sexual abuse

[darren]

Ami.......let me give you an example of how it occurred recently in my life. Do you remember when i posted "sexual abuse" and i dropped off a cliff and was flooded with memories and pain. By challenging and moving thru a very stubborn fear. I essentially freed up repression and found the original pain repressed that i never felt as a child. This original pain rushed out freeing up old memories at the same time  (flooding) and now you see i have a more relaxed attitude because my energies are not being used for repression of so much old fear. Now im starting to find healing but there is more to be felt and each time we challenge our fears thru action we find relief, even if painfu,l as the original trauma is FINALLY processed. This really is about the physiology of the brain.......... James

I think I do this... as if sometimes certain things are so painful or traumatic that I'm just not able to process it and work it out like a normal feeling.  Now that I think about it, it sounds just like my procrastination problem.  I seem to file alot of thoughts and feelings away to deal with later, much like the housework and chores.  I've been wondering about therapies like CBT and EMDR for those of us who get stuck that way.  Often its as though I'm feeling nothing at all, or I'm feeling like its the end of the world.     

[James]

Darren.."often times i feel nothing at all, or everything seems like the end of the world"  Those sound more like the emotions of a child. Shutdown totally or completely overwhelmed.   I was shut down almost totally with the sexual abuse trauma. But when i stated to deal with it here i was flooded with overwhelm. Sounds similar don't you think?.... James

[Ami]

Ami....let me share with you some of the knowlege of a scientic nature that i have acquired the last year thru my reasearch. The right side of the brain is the portion that deals with emotions but it not exclusive here only. When traumatic pain occurs, the brain represses here by the use of it's own neurochemicals the pain we feel. This is repressed because we can not bear it all at once. Thru time when we are ready these nerochemicals can "unblock" and then the original pain can finally be felt. It happens in stages only when pain is severe. Unfortunately for childen, because of their helplessness, their pain is extremely intense and life threatening. Its stored in this way because of its danger to the child. As adults were fear this pain and its reasons lie repressed and unconscious. When we are ready the neural pathways will free up old memories and then we feel the old pain we never felt in it's original intensity. This, as it occurs, leads to eventual healing and we no longer suffer from what happened. Anti-depressents serve to block pathways similarly as our brain chemistry does and makes it difficult to find the memories/pain which lead to a true healing. The oringinal pain has to be felt for the suffer to recover his life now. Does this make sense?........i do not take these drugs but have under severe pain for short periods....they are anti-healing in the long term IMO and others....... Bottom line you are healing as the orinal pain surfaces as it can.....James

Dear James,
 THANK YOU for this. I never studied it,but it makes so much sense. So, when we keep facing the truth, we ,eventually, FEEL the original ,repressed pain and can heal. Is that what you are saying? It makes so much sense.
 Your posts have really, really helped me ,James.              Love   Ami

[James]

Ami......don't quote me on what I wrote. I'm just a casual reader of this stuff. A. Miller covers this  and so does arthur Janov and numerous others. You can for sure find the details in their works. I guess this is the brain chemistry side of it all. As Darren mentioned CBT and EMDR are newer ways to find the old memories thereby reprocessing the trauma thru both halves of the brain hopefully with a cure.  I have no idea if they really work or to what degree. Everything when it boils down to it seems chemical in nature. I don't know why i got into all this today except i'm just letting my emotions roam freely and they took me here. This is very important though in understanding the unconscious and the "chemistry" that seems to make it work in processing trauma. Theres a lot to it but i found reading it fascinating and helpful. I'm a big believer in ALICE MILLER'S stuff. James

[Ami]

James
 Had you read Alice Miller before Papillion wrote about it ?                    Ami

[Ami]

James ,
 I am going through s/thing .It seems like it would fit here ,on this thread. I realize that I must be my own mother. I have given up my power  to my M.
 I gave " myself to her . Now, I feel sick, even "thinking" of taking myself back. It feels so scary and "wrong". It feels "right" to have no self, no power, no 'choice" and  be a blob of jelly that SHE can mold. I feel very afraid of having my own power.
 I have a stomach ache,now, just thinking about having my own power( the audacity of me---bleh)
  My friend was right when he said that I have to be my own mother, now.
That gave me an instant stomach ache--bleh.
When I turned myself over to her, I went in to shock(age 14), as I said. I feel like I am "killing her" or doing d/thing really "bad" ,if I take my own power back.
 I hope that s/one can relate.
 I think that this relates to this thread b/c when you get abused ,you throw away parts(or almost all) of yourself----bleh!!!!!     Love to you, James

[James]

Hi Ami.........to answer your first question. Yes i have read a lot the last 2 1/2 yrs including much of the work by MIller.  Yesterday was sort of different for me b/c i got into a state where i think i was denying some feeling from being a little overwhelmed. I was talking more intellectually abt the stuff rather than feeling it. What you're describing seems to be something that i have found deep down as being the childs fear of abandonment when he tries to become his own self. It occurs especially around parents like ours because we sense as children but don't understand that our feelings are not alright and then it feels dangerous. I think this takes place way down inside.can you relate to this at all in the way you're feeling right now?  Big hug James

[Ami]

 . What you're describing seems to be something that i have found deep down as being the childs fear of abandonment when he tries to become his own self. It occurs especially around parents like ours because we sense as children but don't understand that our feelings are not alright and then it feels dangerous. I think this takes place way down inside.can you relate to this at all in the way you're feeling right now?  Big hug James
[/quote]

Dear James,
 This makes so much sense. I have a primal fear of being strong ,protecting , defending and caring for  myself . I feel like I will "kill" somebody. I wonder who(lol)?
 I feel a little better ,now. I talked to my Aunt on the phone. She is my compass for "normal". She told me that a person CAN have a peaceful life with love and respect in it. She told me that it was NOT normal to have all the craziness I have  had in my life. I think that if I didn't marry this particular person, I would not have gone down this far. I really think that is true.
She said to trust myself b/c I have good sense.
It helped. I am going to change my life. Losing Scott threw a "brick " in my window. Nothing is the same, not I or anything else.
                              Love and Hugs  James              ami

[James]

Ami...it is scary at times. But really you do have yourself somewhere down and you are lucky to have an good aunt to reach out to. You also have us here we will help as best we can. You've done the same for me at times when i was feeling similar to what you are now. Lots of times i get mixed up thinking that some feeling is about now but sometimes i find when i'm feeling the worst or just scared its about my feeling back then at a time when i had no one to help me. Reaching out to other people and sharing my feelings really helps it allows me to express old fears (lots of times i'm not even aware they're old) but when other people give me help by way of just aloowing me to be whatever is going on and  do this with compassion it soothes the wounded child in me. does this make sense to you in terms of what you're going thru now. I was so cared to post this topic here you know that, everyone has been so kind and supportive. You guys allowed me something i never had a place to heal in my own way with feeling so ashamed. thatnks for sharing all of what you have. I find you a brave and caring person. I bet you're right that you H if he is aN did trigger a lot of you old stuff and it sorta came down into your reality again UGH. but now you are untangling it maybe for good.. ....Love James

[Ami]

((((((((((((James)))))))))))
You have a BIG capacity for love and kindness.Thank you. I am feeling better. I see that I really DO have a compass. I just need to trust it, as my Aunt said.
Also, my Aunt says that she loves herself .
Also, I started a little 'program". Since I have been so afraid of anger, I am going to force myself NOT to placate, as a way to avoid people's anger.
 I am going to stay "in my own skin", rather that run like a gerbil ,trying to make sure people are not angry. When, they get angry,I will sit with those feelings.
 I started it,already, with my son.
 I am going to "dare" anger to come and "get " me.
 I will let you know what happens, James.       Love and hugs,    Ami

[James]

(((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))  keep me posted.........Love James

[James]

one issue i struggle with relating to the experience of sexual abuse is this...there was an older boy who abused me for several years. I remember my body responding and i feel so much shame about this now. Sharing this is very difficult. It helps reinforce the notion that it was all my fault. It makes me feel sick sort of. I still feel at fault.. My reading and therapist has helped me understand this sort of thing happens, its just the way the body works even in abusive situations. Until recently i didn't have a lot of feelings about all that happened. I did find one day my terror that had been suppressed and i sobbed for a long time. My T has discussed with me that I was also probably without knowing it responding to any kind of affection since i had little if any at home. Now i realise how starved for love i was and it seems pitiful that i might have mistaken this as any form of it. This is such a personal area and my feelings here are intense. i fear others will judge me now. It all feels so unreal. Can anyone understand where i'm at?...james

[seasons]

Hi (((James)))

Thank you, you are amazing. I find your truth healing, rippling through memories of the exact feeling of shame, guilt, nobody believes, or the choose to look away. How painful for you, I am so sorry.

Yes, it does effect every relationship you have. You can have one, a healthy loving supporting partner who sees you in love. I have one so I know its true.
My dh has been through a lot from my scars, ptss etc.

Trust is huge, it takes time and it takes a person who loves you enough to be patient, to earn your trust even when we ebb and flow with it.

((You are so special and have so much to give.)) I have received much by your open heart. thank you.
May your journey to full healing be surrounded by love and support.   seasons

[James]

Hi seasons......thanks for your support. It helps. I do feel like I'm "damaged goods" and nobody would want me if they knew what happened........James

[seasons]

My reading and therapist has helped me understand this sort of thing happens, its just the way the body works even in abusive situations. Until recently i didn't have a lot of feelings about all that happened. I did find one day my terror that had been suppressed and i sobbed for a long time. My T has discussed with me that I was also probably without knowing it responding to any kind of affection since i had little if any at home. Now i realise how starved for love i was and it seems pitiful that i might have mistaken this as any form of it. This is such a personal area and my feelings here are intense. i fear others will judge me now. It all feels so unreal. Can anyone understand where i'm at?...james

((James))
Your therapist is right, that is how the body works. You are not to be judged, you are to be loved, helped, held, and told forever you are innocent, you were the victim, the abuser is to be judged, to be filled with self-hate, NOT YOU!

I think it is huge that you see you were starved for love. Your basic need as a child was never given to you. It is only normal to seek, justify any attention as love or kindness when we have been robbed and do not know what real love is.

Thinking of you, as pure, kind and brave.    seasons