Dear Flower,
boy can I ever relate to your post!!!

I'm laughing hysterically because you and i have an identical situation..an oblivious Dad who is only willing to believe and see what he wants to see and an N mom who is manipulative and totally N. Without going into details, and I have to agree with bunny here..our dads have been brainwashed by our N moms.
Flower, i've been to hell and back with my parents and it has not been in vain.
Flower, I think i'm further down the line than you as far as this is concerned. It is very exact to say that nothing, not even you can change or will ever change your parents. They have an agreement, a private world of their own, a very fusional relationship which you cannot change, they are joined together, albeit dysfunctionally, at the hip. You will always be the child..you will most likely never have complete personhood with your parents.
Like you, i've beaten my head against multiple walls to try and make the other one believe me..always to no avail. My parents believe they will die at the exact same time and date for God's sake! How unrealistic is that?

But they really believe it..they have their common set of beliefs and ways of acting,, including a life plan for me which I know nothing about and in which i've been caught up more times than I wish to know about.
Like your dad, my dad always ran errands for my mom..always did her business...he was the mouthpiece for her threats etc. She was the QUEEN and he was the castrated King. Their relationship has been, is and always will be impenetrable. I think that's GREAT!!!!!!!!
There it is staring us in the face Flower..we're FREEEE...this impenetrableness lets us off the hook.
In a cookey way, we have to accept the role they've given us. We are appendages. Once you shed the shame and hurt of never having been heard by them ( voicelessness) you can begin to disengage from them. Personally, i've given up my no.1 job which was thinking/caring/doing/prioritizing their needs before mine. I somehow brainwashed myself into believing I was heard by them only to realize it was by fluke or because it had been convenient for them to have pseudo heard me..Do you grasp that? I'm not sure if i'm explaining it well enough.
I also know, now more than ever that my parents DO love me..in their own way of course..and i've learned to accept that. i take what they are willing to give me as far as love and attention are concerned, but it's so much easier now since i've become aware of how they operate and since I've accepted their way of doing things and stopped fighting it.
I've made some rules which are my own, i didn't share any of those boundaries with them..i implement what I need for me as the need arises.
For instance, i've reconnnected with them after a lengthy and horrible nightmarish battle with them. I've said what I needed to say without becoming accusatory toward them ( 'cos you know the truth always floats to the top sooner or later). My 80 year old mother emails me and I email back..we do telephone one another too...way less often than before. I never ask them for anything, especially money ( very important to clean that area up..gifts are ok but not projects) . N mother wanted my partner and I to spend some time with them this weekend. She wanted us to go to their flat where she would have cooked up something...I wasn't into that and invited her/them to a restaurant instead..my partner wanted this restaurant in the first place. So she asked me to let her know what all would happen " in good time" so She could get organized.
i gave her 24hours...telephoned this morning and confirmed that we are all going to the restaurant and not their place. All polite, all smiles with a stopover at the pet store to pick up some fish for our acquarium.
No more games, no more endless thank yous, no more sitting there and watching them run the show..watching them watch me run the program they so meticulously installed all those years ago.
Voicelessness..HA! no more! I've since discovered how at least 80% of communication is non verbal..it's amazing!
more later!
Nic..