I need some room to talk about something.
I have called a hiatus in communicating with my Dad. Mostly, I just don't call, don't write, don't try to maintain the relationship. I am not sure if I ever want to increase contact. I think a Christmas card was the last move on my part.
My primary feeling about this, is that I need to do this for my wellbeing and to establish new skills, inside and out. I really feel I need this space. For the most part, I feel so much better every day, knowing that I won't be dealing with him.
But pretty regularly, in my own mind, I am haunted by what I imagine (grounded in long experience though) would be my dad's absolute judgment, condemnation and contempt, and especially his bitterness and bitter vituperative lashing out, about me doing this extreme attenuation of contact. For which I am sure he blames me, bitterly. I feel really stressed just writing that.
It has made me realize that it is that strong judgment, rejection, condemnation and contempt that has really been the most traumatic for me. I have so many really painful memories around interactions like this. And I believe it is the reason I sometimes experience extreme withdrawal from others (it's very situational), or muteness - an inability to speak my mind accompanied by a feeling of intense stress and fear of judgment.
When I think of all these memories, plus my current feelings of stress and fear whenever this stuff comes to mind, I also feel a strong feeling that this stress, fear, upset, distress, and my actions - are all stupid and overblown and that I should not feel all this in the first place, or if I do, should apologize for myself. It feels really stressful to write that.
You know, my dad made efforts with us but they were all so thoroughly controlled and one-sided. It's so frustrating. We had easter - we did egg dying and easter egg hunts and had baskets. It was fun. I have fun memories and I appreciate that. It had to be his way, but there were fun times. He was never 'there for me,' but it wasn't always horrible. You know?
But depart from his script or have an unauthorized opinion or emotion - huge repercussions.
I mean, if we were all in the car and he said lunch would be Taco Bell and I said 'no thank you' - there was no end to the browbeating, the disparaging, the mocking my refusal, the shaming, the whole accusatory thing that I am doing this to him on purpose. This is a real incident that happened. Can I just pass on Taco Bell, and skip lunch so as not to further inconvenience everyone by having a need to eat anyway? The answer is no. Not only does it have to be his choice, but I also must be 110% for it and if I am not for it, brother, I am in for it.
This relationship does not work for me and it never will. I can never have respect, consideration, appreciation, dignity - I can never have a voice in this relationship.
But I feel like a bad person for putting so much distance into it, for practically dropping it. I feel confused about what is the right way. And this goes to Ami's new topic on perfectionism, I feel that if I do wrong then that is not okay - then that is terrible, unforgivable.
But you know it always is - so terrible, so unforgivable. So laughable, so unbelievable, so contemptible. Like the time my dad caught me with a cigarette or the time I was surprised that an acquaintance of mine turned out to be very scheming and manipulative (how could I be so naive, eh?). Or when I was very little, about 3, I cried because we donated a sofa and I was sad it was leaving us and I thanked it for being such a good sofa - he laughed at me. Or when a neighbor died when I was 4 and he made fun of me and told me I didn't know anything about death and I couldn't even say it right (I had a lisp. I said 'deaf.')
He makes me feel like an unfunny clown. Or worse. I don't want to feel that way anymore.
I need lots and lots of room. Got to go for now. Thank you for listening.