Gratitude, I have been thinking a lot about the after effects of what was done to us in the past and how we try and get passed them. I have been through a whole cycle, including forgiveness of those narcs that hijacked my life but I still trip up. I trip up because we have been brainwashed into believing we are someone we are not. I notice a number of people have addressed the issue of shame and I apologize to anyone, who feels that I have stepped on their toes, by posting this. That was not my intention. I just feel that there are several ways to tackle our issues and no one way is right for all of us. I struggled through some incredibly intellectual discussions and still couldn’t come to grips with this whole issue. It might be a cultural issue. I don’t know but I did find this seemingly light weight and easy to understand synopsis about shame. I thought I would share it. I know a lot of people who have talked about shame, have also contributed to this discussion. Once again, I am sorry if I have offended anyone/
About Shame
http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/shame.htmlSHAME AND GUILT
Shame is not the same as guilt.
When we feel guilt, it's about something we did.
When we feel shame, it's about who we are.
When we feel guilty we need to learn
that it's OK to make mistakes.
When we feel shame we need to learn
that it's OK to be who we are!

WHERE SHAME COMES FROM
Shame comes from being taught
that we are worthless or bad or something similar.
It comes in childhood from adults who say things like:
"You'll never amount to anything!"
"You are worthless!"
"I wish you were never born!"
"Shame on you!"
It also comes from severe physical discipline
since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child:
"You don't matter at all!
Only what you do matters!"
And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior.
It comes from adults who say:
"What would the neighbors think of you if they knew...?"
"You look ridiculous!"
"Don't you have any pride?"
"What's wrong with you anyway!?"
And it comes from being threatened
with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation.
When we are threatened with these things,
the psychological message is the same:
"I can and will treat you any way I want to...
You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!"

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SHAMED?
People who are shamed
have to live in the same world as all the rest of us
but they have to live in it
with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless.
The amount of continuous pressure
a deeply shamed person feels is immense.
When they are doing well,
they think it's only a matter of time
before they are discovered as useless.
When they make mistakes,
they expect a terrifying degree of anger
from the people they disappoint.
Every act is a "test"
- and they are convinced
that it's only a matter of time
before they fail completely.

LIVING IN SHAME AND LIVING "AS IF" YOU ARE O.K.
Some people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives to prove that they are worthless!
The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts,
and impulsive criminals are good examples.
Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen
and to be recognized "for who I really am."
But since they actually believe they are worthless,
they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness
to everyone in their lives.
They don't hurt their families and friends because they don't love them
or because they want to hurt them.
They hurt their families and friends
out of this need to be "known"
- and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless.
Most people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth.
These are the people who are constantly worried
about what you think of them,
and who constantly think
that you are judging them.
When you tell them they did a good job
they feel good for a few minutes,
but they soon feel worthless again
(and think that you wouldn't like them
if you "really" knew them).
If you tell them they did a poor job
they will either feel a strong urge to cry
or they will show an immense amount of anger
at you for saying such a "horrible" thing!
They don't understand
you are only commenting on the last thing they did.
They think you are commenting on them,
and on their worthlessness as human beings.

WHAT HELPS?
People who've been deeply shamed
need to be fully loved and accepted and valued!
Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them.
Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them.
Most people need a therapist along the way
who shows them their value,
and who, perhaps more importantly,
helps them to stop
all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.
Every person who is overcoming shame
will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.
One lover or friend or therapist is never enough.
The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life,
the more deeply they will accept the love they need.
(The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course
- just not nearly as valuable.)
Overcoming shame takes a long time.
But it is well worth it for the moment
when the deeply shamed person finally says
with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:
"You know, I really am a good person!"
EVERYONE:

Shame: What You Can Do About It
http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/shame2.htmlMost of us have problems with shame, to one degree or another.
The first article in this series ("About Shame")
helped you to learn if you have a big problem with shame.
This second article is for anyone who finds any shame in their life.

YOUR OVERALL GOAL
To overcome shame, you need to learn that
it's OK to be who you are!
To get there, you must have
and absorb deeply
many separate moments
of being accepted, loved, or valued.
I'll be giving you some practical ideas about how to do this.

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO YOU
Stop relying on anyone who treats you as if you are not OK.
Spend more and more of your time with
the people who know you are OK the way you are.
And let them know more and more about you.
Choose your relationships based on how you are treated
- not just on whether the other person feels "comfortable."
[We are "comfortable" with what we are used to
- even when it's bad for us!]
Treat people the way you want to be treated.
It's contagious.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU POORLY
Tell them to stop it!
If they keep it up, don't tell them over and over.
This is like "begging."
It makes you feel weak in their presence.
You need to feel strong when you have to be around such people!
Expect people who treat you badly
to keep it up
and hold them responsible
for how they treat you.
Hold yourself responsible
for how much time you spend with them,
how you respond to their mistreatment,
and whether you take their opinions seriously.
When people imply that you aren't valuable,
they are wrong.
You must learn how to throw away such comments immediately.
(You know how angry you get when you are treated this way.
This anger is your guide.
It tells you that this person's opinion of you is worthless
and can be thrown away without question.)
Know that only a few people are likely to treat you poorly.
The rest of us are ready to treat you well!
(If you catch yourself thinking otherwise,
at least remind yourself that I am positive you are wrong!)

NEXT...
The suggestions coming up next are even more important than what you've read so far.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU WELL
Absorb it!
Always take at least a few seconds
to FEEL the good feelings you get when you are treated well.
Let your appreciation show.
(Your natural smile will do just fine!)
Showing your appreciation reinforces the other person
and encourages them to stay around you longer.
Don't talk yourself out of it!
Most compliments are honest.
Even when someone is trying to manipulate you they say things they mean!
Turn down the manipulation
but accept the compliment!
For example:
"Thanks for noticing how attractive I am,
but I still don't want to give you my phone number."
and,
"Thanks for noticing I have good taste in cars,
but I still won't pay what you are asking for this one."

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT LATER
The most important factor in overcoming shame is
how you treat yourself when you get home!
When you've been treated poorly
how do you treat yourself afterwards?
The Unhealthy Option:
Focus on yourself and wonder if they were right
about the bad things they said!
"Maybe they are right and I am a jerk!"
"Maybe I am stupid!"
The Healthy Option:
Focus on your anger at the mistreatment!
"What a jerk he was!"
"What's wrong with someone like that!?"
"Who asked for her opinion?!"
When you've been treated well
how do you treat yourself afterwards?
Do you relax and think about the good things?
Do you mentally recycle the best parts?
Do you notice how much you agree about your good qualities?
Do you take the time to ENJOY feeling good?

ANSWERS TO THE USUAL OBJECTIONS
Q: "What about all the horrible mistakes I made in my life?"
A: "You needed to make them, to learn.
Now that you know they were mistakes, you have learned!"
Q: "What about all the people I've hurt?"
A: "And what about all the people they've hurt?
Hurting each other is awful, but it's part of life."
Q: "Won't I keep screwing up if I don't feel ashamed?"
A: "It never stopped you in the past!
Shame doesn't control you. YOU control you."
Q: "This is all B.S.! I'm bad, and I know it, and I need to feel this way."
A: "Your pain is only a warning.
You've got your warning.
Feeling more of it won't help anything."
Q: "We all need to suffer or else terrible things will happen in this world!"
A: "If you ever meet the mean people who taught you that,
tell them I said they were full of it!"
Kim in Oz, struggling to understand this concept of shame and worth.
