attachment disorder

[alone48]

I'm begining to wonder if I don't have this and maybe would somewhat explain why I get attracted to N's, knowing that I will never have to get close. MY mother died when I was five and my father was an alcoholic that was only warm when he was drunk.  I know that I have a very hard time getting close to someone in a romantic type relationship and refrain from physical contact such as hugging and holding hands....? Just soemthing I came upon and wanted your opinions, do any of you feel you may have this?

[dandylife]

I don't know a ton about the disorder, but it's mainly used to describe children who have trouble with relationships due to not having a close loving caregiver before the age of about 3. If this happens after 3 years of age, generally a child can cope without developing a disorder. Why? I don't know!

I've never heard the term used to describe an adult with the disorder.

I think if you really want a diagnosis, you should see a very competent, trusted therapist about it.

It would make sense to me that if your "shining example" of a male in a relationship was your father, that you would not trust or want much to do with males in a relationship. Meeting a good one, and learning to trust is pretty difficult. You probably have a huge protective shell you've built around yourself.

Love yourself first. Then allow little steps toward trust until you have some good experiences to build on.

Just my 2 cents.

((alone48))

Dandylife

[Leah]

Interesting, (((( Alone )))0

I don't know anything about this concept, however,

I find Dandylife's illustration most interesting ...

I don't know a ton about the disorder, but it's mainly used to describe children who have trouble with relationships due to not having a close loving caregiver before the age of about 3. If this happens after 3 years of age, generally a child can cope without developing a disorder. Why? I don't know!  I've never heard the term used to describe an adult with the disorder.

Warm thoughts and good wishes, dear Alone and Dandylife.

Love,

Leah

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
 When I read your post,I thought of two things. One is that,of course, you would have a hard time with attachments. You were responding to an environment where you could NOT trust. It was a survival skill.
  The remedy is harder than seeing the problem. I view  your lack of trust in the "outside" as a lack of trust in your "inside" to KEEP you safe. I know when I have felt that I was my best friend and loved myself, I "trusted" the outside more.
 When I felt insecure ,inside, I trusted the outside less.
  It is really,really hard to learn to love yourself when most  of the childhood messages have been negative. I am on that journey with you, Alone.          Love,  Ami

[James]

Hi Alone.....A year ago i asked my therapist if i had an attachment disorder and she replied yes and explained it. She described what you said. She is convinced, and now am i, that mine developed before the age of 3. My parents were dangerous to the well being of my child. I sensed it back then but couldn't explain it until recently. The more i'm able to feel the pain from being abused it makes it easier to understand  and see how it's affected my life. Real intimacy simply can't be established easily without trust IMO. The good news is that much of the damage can be undone as one learns to trust. My therapist assured me of this. I'm starting to see this happening in myself. Its' only a normal reaction to have this symptom as a normal reaction to untrustworthy caregivers. I think the statictics i read were that up to 1/3 of adults have this probably in varying degrees. Don't quote me on that but the info is on the net.   Regards,  James

[Betelgeuse]

Hi Alone,

I think of myself as a bit commitmentphobic. I suppose everybody has to face the opposing fears of abandonment and engulfment (we don't want our loved ones to leave us and we don't want them to invade us), but for me both fears seem to be worse than average. I have had relationships with narcissists for all sorts of reasons, one of them being the certainty that they'd never try to get to know me. Very painful of course, because there's always been a craving for intimacy as well.

Ami is right, these fears lessen when one feels safe and secure inside. It sure is an uphill struggle, though..

Bee

[Ami]

Yesterday, I felt self love . I felt liike I had really gotten s/where. Today, I feel self doubt and like the shame will be endless slime, invading me. This must be what it means to take one step backwards(lol).
             Ami

[James]

Ami.... No, you really have gotten somewhere its not a step bak you can recognize "slime" when you see it.  James