self pity vs. ?????

[nickyinstant]

Overcomer....Me too!!

Vio;et:
"This is just a great topic for me right now.  I have been really struggling with this presently.
I don't want to get trapped in a pattern of self pity without moving forward, yet I do not wish to short change myself by lightly glossing over the things that have happened to me, things that continue to trouble me and shape my life in negative ways.  I need to figure this out...
V"

.....me too

I am soooo fed up right now!  With everything!

xx

[Gaining Strength]

Towrite - I always identify with your posts.  Again I am jarred by this thread as with so many of your posts.  It seems like this topic of self-pity came up about a year ago and I remember being struck suddenly for the first time that I had been a "victim" of self-pity my entire life.  I was quite horrified and realized that I had been in denial of this the whole time. But I came to understand that I had self-pity because as a child, I had never received the caring, nurturing pity for the wrongs and injustices that I HAD experienced. 

I suspect that most children of Narcissists have experienced little consoling and comforting in the face of mistreatment and without that they (we) have turned to the only pity available - self-pity.  The real problem is that self-pity can become a prison and a difficult prison to break free of.

I found a way to use my imagination to create a nurturer.  And when I felt the self-pity or her daughter, resentment, I conjured up my ideal of a maternal nurturer and imagined how she would comfort and encourage me to overcome the hurt or slight or failing so that I could face the pain and find the courage to face it and believe that I could overcome it.  Over time this process really helped me.  While I still face self-pity and resentment, it is easier and easier to identify them and to overcome them very quickly.

I found this board to be very helpful with that as well. I have never found 3-D friends to have the patience and endurance to weather through the repetition of the struggle with issues of self-pity.  The things that engendered self-pity were never tings that I could overcome easily or quickly and without exception the people I confided the issues of self-pity to gave up on our friendship before I ever worked through the issues. 

Now I keep them to myself or put them out here where there seems to always be someone else willing to support and encourage when others tire of hearing me complain of the same thing over and over.

[Violet]

GS,
I am doing some similar things with "inner child" work.  I found some pictures of me as a 1 year old, 4 year old, etc. and am allowing myself to hug, comfort, and console her, with those images as "props" while experiencing and processing the horrible memories.  It seems to be helping, as well as using EFT.  I am really working on processing and LETTING GO of the memories, so I don't get stuck and fall into a pattern of "self-pity" on the same issue over and over again....
V

[Gaining Strength]

OMG Violet.  I have forgotten to get back to that conversation I wanted to follow up with you on EFT and now it's too late you've reverted to lurking.

I am so impressed by the inner child work you describe.  That makes so much sense to me.  I have read so much from so many diverse philosophies that all agree that reworking memories and "changing" them to make it more positive.  I so hate to see you go!!!  I'm so glad you are making changes.  Don't give up and don't give up hope.  I see changes happening in your life.  Those changes are never fast enough.  I sure will miss you. - GS

[Gaining Strength]

towrite - you posted so very significant threads and then disappeared.  I so hope you are ok.  I am a little worried - thinking of you - GS

[towrite]

I'm here, never fear, GS.

I do know mostly where those tapes came from. Whenever I was hurt as a child or teenager, if I expressed that to my NM, her response was always to take the other person's side. "What did you do to them?"   My NF's responses were along the lines of "You're always so melodramatic." And others on that theme. So I just buried any and all pain til I became totally numb. I could not even see myself in a mirror or didn't recognize the image as me when I could. I couldn't feel my body, had trouble coordinating my feet and legs as in dancing. I could never feel my feet - still have trouble with that.

Then I began work with my ex-therapist on revealing and getting in touch with my inner child. I was too young at the time of the pain and too alone to experience it. As an adult it was excruciatingly painful to relive it, even with a wise and loving guide. I know Ami is going thru some of this.

V - what is EFT? Is it that Forum stuff?

[Ami]

((((((((((Kate)))))))))))))))
I undertand,as you said.
EFT is a natural therapy that helps you unblock patterns.            Love and a Hug,  Ami