Self Protection

[Ami]

Laughing is VERY healthy. It is one of the ways to cope with pain. When you can laugh about anything, you are on your way to healing.
 I know that I can laugh about my M's craziness in a way I could not before.
 Once when I was going to college. She took me to the airport.(We were all afraid of flying in my family).As I was getting ready to board the plane, I asked her if she wanted me to call when I got there.
 She said,"No , I'll hear if the plane crashes."
  Now, I can laugh about it.
 James, if you are like me, you are  afraid of your feelings. When any different  feeling comes out, you get nervous.. I still am afraid of my feelings, so I understand.Today, I had a "new" feeling and I felt very  unsettled and insecure.
 Laughter is very healing and shows that YOU are healing. I am so happy to see your progress. I feel a joy in my heart, James!  Love   Ami

[James]

Ami...maybe you're right. The feeling of laughter feels strange. Guilt associated with that a least with me. Thats nuts what you're Nm said probably knowing you were afraid of flying. The rage and hate lies unseen in the abuser's unconscious and it comes with precision and on target. Hate sealed with a kiss sorta thing. It really messes with our reality as a child and for me it even seemed to grow worse thru my adult life.      James

[Ami]

Shirley Temple with a shiv (lol)                    Ami

[alone48]

Ami,

I remember once when my T asked me to describe my personality, I said "well, I don't really have one" When questioned further, I admitted that I was whatever anyone wanted me to be so I didn't know who I really was. About time to fine the "me" in all of us?

[Ami]

Dear Alone,
  There IS a you ,in there. Fear buries the real us,but it IS in there. I know it is beautiful, too.  Love   Ami

[hardtotrust]

I DO relate. I had to surrender to my parents. Everything that was me wasn't acceptable. Couldn't have my own opinions, tastes, feelings, preferences. It was so strong that I programmed myself to not decide anything alone. Everything had to be subjected to them first. Total mind control. If I did anything for me, I felt guilty. I remember when I had my first really serious girlfriend, I felt that I was betraying somebody. I still wonder if it wasn't my mother, who taught me to be an appendage of her.

There's a reason self-help books and counselors explain that "Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" means that it is your obligation to love you first.

Another very known observation is the inflight announcement: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children". If you aren't OK how are you going to be able to help anyone?

But our parents didn't want us to be autonomous, they wanted us to be quiet.

[Ami]

Htt,
 THAT was brilliant.It says it all. Thank you for your insight!            Love   Ami

[James]

Hardtotrust......for many of its surrender or die!   James

[hardtotrust]

Thank you, Ami!

You're right, James! No option was offered or acceptable.

Hugs.

[Ami]

Dear Htt and James,
 As we were writing these posts,I really "got it" that we didn't have a choice. We bent and morphed for pure survival, not b/c there was anything wrong with us(Light bulb going off--lol)                            Love   Ami

[hardtotrust]

I just remembered that some psychologists say that one of the first phases of individuation occurs when the child learns to lie. Today I understand that as having your own thoughts, without the necessity of approval by others all the time (something I became able to do only recently).

Since our parents were "inside our heads" bossing us very early, IMO we didn't pass through that phase very smoothly (if we did passed), so our individuation process was damaged.

[Ami]

I, STILL, don't have my own thoughts ,without approval of my M, in my head----bleh(lol)             Ami

[James]

AMI.............exactly Ami, its done without conscious awarness as a child for protection. We as adults battle continually until we unlock the nature of our conconscious and find the truth. Then we are free to leave behind old struggles and find freedom now as we make the connections.   James

[Ami]

Because of our talk here, I had a big breakthrough ,just now. I was supposed to go some place with my H. As I was starting to get ready, I realized that I did not want to go, so I told him I wasn't going.
 In the past, I could never, ever go "against" something he wanted to do.
 I feel like I have a new paradigm where *I* have choice .
 It was symbolic of my life, always doing everything to please others, not asking MY inner self mif it felt
'right" or wrong.
 Thanks James!                        Hugs    Ami

[James]

Ami.....good for you!!!! It really is the child's repressed fear of the parents which the adult is unaware of that forces us to deny our true wishes thru old fears. We fail to see this NOW because of repression in the brain.  Right?   Love James