should I worry?

[Anonymous]

Hi Pandora,

All along your stbxh's behavior has seemed really creepy to me. I have been concerned for you. I think you are right to be concerned.  

One book I read said that women are the best predictors of whether or not the abusive man will become physically violent.  That was Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That?:Inside the Minds of Angry and Controling Men.  I think that book would recommend a restraining order.   That was a great book.  Simple to read, and it answers all kinds of questions I had.

It's understandable to not want to have to go that far.  I think you are absolutely right on in telling friends, and not having any unnecessary contact with him.  You are very self assured and that is good to see.  I think you did the right thing in the situation you described.  You were forceful in setting boundaries, and you excercised control.  You handled it perfectly.

[phoenix]

bye

[Onyx]

OK

Are all men Narcissist?

Are all women bunny boilers?

Does the sun come up in the West and go down in the East?

If a man smiles at a women, is he a rapist?

When divorcing, is it normal for the people involved to be upset...are emotions going to run high?

Joking aside, I feel that it is easy to tar way too many people with the same brush strokes. I had a relationship with a girl who it has been suggested suffered with BPD. The shear anger and hatred that spilled forth from her mouth at times would scare most people. It wasn't pleasant and it was frequent. I was stretching my ability to cope to the limit. But she had good reason to be as she is. I'm going to standby her as she receives treatment....from a distance! She isn't a bad person.....just a girl who's in trouble right now! Believe it or not, she is a friend of mine and aren't we supposed to support our friends.......

Now I could transfer my anger and feelings over what I've experienced from this girl to other women. I could say that all women are nasty and bad. I could tell all my friends to avoid women like the plague. I could......burst a blood vessel when someone dissagreed with the above. Or then again I could treat it as an isolated experience and learn from it. Isn't that what life's all about.....learning?

I compared this thread to my situation and found her experience unpleasant, but not dangerous. I've also just read her update concerning the fact that he's never been violent toward her. Therefore what I wrote, is with some degree of balance. Balance is hard to achieve when some are soooo shut off to others views. Sometimes we feel that only our view counts when we feel so strongly about issues.

I'd agree that most men are penis driven and are idiots for being so (I'm one of them)! But that doesn't make me a rapist and violent wife beating sadistic bully. One sizes does not fit all (shoes) and I don't subscribe to the 'Hang em High' brigade in all circumstances. Balance is just that...!

Chill out Liz, not all men are total a..holes

Onyx

[phoenix]

bye

[Anonymous]

Can't agree with you more Phoenix As I've written, I think Pandora should have no direct contact with this chump and only do so via her lawyer. The marriage is over, bar the tidying up. His problems are no longer hers.......of which I'm certain she's very happy about!

I do feel for Pandora and all women in her situation. In fact I feel for anyone, man or woman, who suffers from such emotional abuse. We live at a time when marriages between men and women have never been so fragile.

I have three teenage daughters. I don't for one moment believe that I'll be 'walking down the isle' just once with each one! It just doesn't work that way anymore! And dealing with ex hubbies/boyfriends is going to become an issue that I hope the girls drag me into. I would never allow anyone to hurt my girls!!!

I know that this site is for people who've experienced abnormal stuff, that's why I came here in the first place. Unfortunately there are differing levels of abnormality in marriage breakdowns. My ex wife and I argued prior to our divorce. Yes there were tears and yes, one or two things were said that shouldn't have been. She would phone me during the night for a conversation that would inevitably turn into an arguement. She didn't want to divorce. Nasty things would be said. It was a time of tension and emotional turmoil....most divorces produce just that. It was a very saddening experience....it was painfull.

I remember especially her hurt at the thought of me sleeping with another woman. That really ticked her off and she would really 'kick off' at the thought of it! I'd listen over the phone as she'd slowly wind herself up until she was emotionally kicking the hell out of herself. I'd just say nothing and waiting until she'd calmed down from her short term roller coaster ride.

Anyway, I'm fully supportive of anyone who's in emotional distress of what ever kind! I'm Irish by birth and my 'mammy' always wanted me to become the 'priest' of the family. Every Irish mother wanted at least one in the family in those days! Not so sure now with all the bad press and things  these days:) ! I thank god I was saved from becoming one as I found the joys of women in my youth , although then agian, maybe I'm changing my mind again on that one  

Pandora is scared. She asked for opinions...and I gave her one. That's all it is, just a guys opinion....sorry if it upsets people.

[CG]

Hi Pandora, how ya' doin'? Long long time, so speak. But   (Big Hug).

I've got a completely off the wall question for you.    Have you seen 'Zen Boy's post/thread way way back on page 5? I dunno why, but I thought at the time (when we were all kicking his butt) that it may have been your H.   I was worried about you even more after that. As I'm sure were other posters here.

Anyway, if it was the/your'H', I'm even gladder you're doing 'your' thing. And yes, I'd be very careful with this one. Take as many precautions as you can think of. And go to those web-sites the girls posted and learn a few more safety meaures. Take care Pandora.

CG

[Lizbeth]

Onyx, no where in anything I said to you did I say that all men are narcissists or a%%holes, or women are bunny boilers, I'm married to a very nice man myself.  However, domestic violence is not a funny subject, especially for the victims.

What I said was you are making light of a situation that is happening for Pandora of which you seem to lack background information.  Maybe I hurt your feelings by disagreeing with you but I did it politely.  You were pointed in the direction of reading about her past situation with her husband by another poster, and I thank them for that.  

Non-empthatic narcissistic men can turn violent on a woman when they realize they are finally going to loose control and their supply, and Pandora's therapist told her that her husband was probably a Narcissist.  He has made veiled threats, a smart person would be aware that he can act on them, it is in the nature of a narcissist to do so, regardless of how he behaved in the past.  It would be far wiser for her to take precautions and come out alive than make the mistake so many women have in the past of thinking "oh, he'd never hurt me" and end up hurt or worse.  There is hidden rage in every Narcissist that can come out when they realize "this is it."

Lizbeth

OK

Are all men Narcissist?

Are all women bunny boilers?

Does the sun come up in the West and go down in the East?

If a man smiles at a women, is he a rapist?

When divorcing, is it normal for the people involved to be upset...are emotions going to run high?

Joking aside, I feel that it is easy to tar way too many people with the same brush strokes. I had a relationship with a girl who it has been suggested suffered with BPD. The shear anger and hatred that spilled forth from her mouth at times would scare most people. It wasn't pleasant and it was frequent. I was stretching my ability to cope to the limit. But she had good reason to be as she is. I'm going to standby her as she receives treatment....from a distance! She isn't a bad person.....just a girl who's in trouble right now! Believe it or not, she is a friend of mine and aren't we supposed to support our friends.......

Now I could transfer my anger and feelings over what I've experienced from this girl to other women. I could say that all women are nasty and bad. I could tell all my friends to avoid women like the plague. I could......burst a blood vessel when someone dissagreed with the above. Or then again I could treat it as an isolated experience and learn from it. Isn't that what life's all about.....learning?

I compared this thread to my situation and found her experience unpleasant, but not dangerous. I've also just read her update concerning the fact that he's never been violent toward her. Therefore what I wrote, is with some degree of balance. Balance is hard to achieve when some are soooo shut off to others views. Sometimes we feel that only our view counts when we feel so strongly about issues.

I'd agree that most men are penis driven and are idiots for being so (I'm one of them)! But that doesn't make me a rapist and violent wife beating sadistic bully. One sizes does not fit all (shoes) and I don't subscribe to the 'Hang em High' brigade in all circumstances. Balance is just that...!

Chill out Liz, not all men are total a..holes

Onyx

[pandora as guest]

Good morning!

I appreciate you speaking in my defense, Lisbeth.  

Onyx, I also appreciate your input, and the caution against automatically  labeling people as "N" or otherwise just because there is some conflict.  We all behave badly and selfishly sometimes.  And I certainly don't believe that all men are jerks!  My X's actions only speak for him, not for all men.  

And the truth is, I did not leave him because of some label, it was because I could not tolerate his actions and deceit.   Does his behavior result from some personality disorder?  - maybe and maybe not.   It doesn't really matter.  It is destructive to me and I needed to get away.  

CG, your instincts are correct - the Zenboy poster was my STBXH.  That was why I backed off posting for a while.  Just did not seem safe.  I suppose he could still be reading, but somehow the thought does not bother me as much now.  

Have a great day everyone.

pandora

[Lizbeth]

Thanks, Pandora, for saying that, I'm really not trying to step on anyones toes, your safety has been my only motivation for posting the way I did.  

Lizbeth

Good morning!

I appreciate you speaking in my defense, Lisbeth.  

Onyx, I also appreciate your input, and the caution against automatically  labeling people as "N" or otherwise just because there is some conflict.  We all behave badly and selfishly sometimes.  And I certainly don't believe that all men are jerks!  My X's actions only speak for him, not for all men.  

And the truth is, I did not leave him because of some label, it was because I could not tolerate his actions and deceit.   Does his behavior result from some personality disorder?  - maybe and maybe not.   It doesn't really matter.  It is destructive to me and I needed to get away.  

CG, your instincts are correct - the Zenboy poster was my STBXH.  That was why I backed off posting for a while.  Just did not seem safe.  I suppose he could still be reading, but somehow the thought does not bother me as much now.  

Have a great day everyone.

pandora

[Onyx]

White flag, I surrender  

[Guest5]

Pandora,
I have to agree Onyx, people in general do not behave well while in the midst of a divorce. You are in a different space than your STBX and that's why you can not see things in the same light. Men are taught to be agressors and women are taught to be nice and submissive, is it any wonder we don't always see eye to eye?   I believe that I read most of your posts and I feel your pain. Being lied to by one's spouse is devastating but I believe most people rush into divorce while their emotions are still on a rollercoaster.

Betrayal of any kind takes a while to get over, believe I know. When I found out about the OW, I rushed out and got a divorce. Now 2 years later, I regret my actions and I do not want you to end up like me. Everyone can change if given a chance. No one is perfect. As Dr. Phil says you are ready for a divorce until you are at peace. If you feel anger, hatred, frustration or any negative feelings towards your STBX then maybe you should take a step back. Nothing in life is ever final.    

My advice to everyone is to take your time and pray on any major decisions you have to make concerning marriage. Marriage is a covenant.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi Pandora,

I have just finished reading about your situation and I want to say that I am sorry that you are going through this.  Please stay strong and take care of yourself.

Guest5-

Yes, you are absolutely right, marriage is a covenant (n. a formal agreement, a contract) and Pandora's husband broke that agreement.  His choice.

Learning