Thank you all for your kind comments---and especially, your interest. It is so foreign to me---that someone would express interest in something about me.
I seem forever to be struggling against the seeminly daily reminders from my Nfamily that I don't matter. My Nsister (the chosen child) is a successful (translation: makes tons of money in her own business, has many material things) "professional". While neither she nor my Nmom and co-D dad would ever acknowledge it, my sister's success has been the result, in large part, due to my mother's help. After graduating, my Nmom intervened and got a colleague of hers to get my sister her first job in a firm. My Nmom told anyone and everyone she ever met (including the customers she came into daily contact with in her own job) about my sister and her business. The result is that my Nmom has referred literally hundreds of clients to my Nsister over the years. She even got her own company to use my sister for much of their legal needs. Yesterday, it happened again. My dad told my mom of a phone message she got in which an acquaintance of hers asked for my sister's phone number because she knew of someone who needed her services.
I felt the pain of the proverbial cut of the knife again. My Nmom values only money, material things, "fame". Intellectually, I know she favors my sister so much because she believes any success or "fame" she has is a direct reflection on her. But, emotionally, it is still painful. Neither my Nmom nor co-D dad have ever once mentioned to anyone they meet the kind of work I do---thus eliminating any potential that I might get referrals for the kind of work I do. My Nmom never once has taken interest in my career or my chosen field. Neither one has ever even asked me what my new job or title is....That is still very painful. So, I am constantly reminded of my sister's "success" but no one but me acknowledges that the very reason she can be so successful is the constant attention, client referrals and direct business my Nmom gves her.
Not only does my Nmom spend literally every evening on the phone with my sister rehashing every client or every little detail of what happened to her during the day, but once again, she and my dad are spending the weekend with her. Whenever my Nsis asks for anything, they RUN, not walk to fulfill her every whim. This time it involved driving an hour away to meet her at a store where my Nsis intends to make some appliance purchases. I think for me what hurts the most is watching the spark of joy on my Nmom's face when my Nsis calls or when they go with her for the weekend. She never once thinks of me or my brother or my father, for that matter, in that way. I know that my Nmom regards me only as a failure and has no respect for me.
This all is really just an aside....One common thread I've noticed in all the board's posts is that because there is no changing the N's behavior, regardless of how much we'd like to, the key seems to be in cultivating relationships with others outside the N family. I have had no luck whatsoever in doing this. I think this is partly because I never really learned how. My Nmom and dad were always ridiculously private about everthing in their lives that we never had any extended family in our lives...no friends....no acquaintances really. They always instructed us not to tell others things about our family or home. Everything was and is always a secret. Now, keep in mind, it's not like anyone in our family was a serial killer. Their idea of "secrets" included everything from our getting a new car to my dad's change in job, to the kind of furniture we had in our house. Neither of my parents know what is means to BE a friend to someone. My mom always brags that she has these two, life-long women friends. These individuals are wonderful people. They always remember my mom on her birthday or holidays with phone calls or gifts. Needless to say, she never returns the favor. She never initiates a phone call or buys a card, claiming she's just not a "believer" in that. She was asked to go on a trip, but never would, saying she had absolutely no interest in seeing a different place. My parents never initiated connections with neighbors or other parents or even colleagues. Our dysfunctional family was a very isolated one.
Even though I always made an effort, and frankly, have always been told that I was a really good friend to people, those very people never returned the favor. I always found myself in one-way relationships (really just connections) or rejected or ignored by those who I did make an effort in getting to know.
So this whole "make new friends and relationships" thing is really very difficult for me. I think other "healthy" people who haven't grown up in an N household assume that it is just natural to know how to make and have friends. I mean everyone assumes that a person has friends. But I don't. At least not the kind of friends that made for two-way relationships. What I find perplexing is that among myself and my siblings, I'm the only one that had difficulty in this area. My "healthy" brother has always had ease in making friends and is currently happily married with a number of people he and his wife socialize with. My Nsister, although truly incapable of knowing what a friend is, has at least been in a relationship with a decent (although I believe a co-D) guy all of her adult life. She also keeps in touch with childhood friends....
So I don't get it.....Perhaps I'm just feeling low..and that's why I'm spouting off about all this....It just seems sometimes that I am in this hopeless, endless cycle of pain. Someone on this board noted that it seems those that are the most introspective, the ones who "understand" NPD the best, the hows and whys of it all, are those that have the most difficulty. Those like my brother, who understand there is dysfunction but is not interested in delving into the issue anymore than that, seem to have it much better...
Oh well...for some reason, just needed to get this down today....Thanks for all your support...I hope there is much sunshine where you are right now....At least I hope there is more SUN than Blue in your life...
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