Sinking in Easter sadness

[sunblue]

I'll say upfront that this is a vent.  I just needed an outlet to express what I'm feeling today.

This being Easter, my Nmom and co-D dad naturally spent the day with my Nsister, the chosen child.  So, I spent the afternoon with my "healthy" brother and his family.  He hosted an Easter dinner for 20 people.  I am always the only person there who is not related to his sister-in-law.  It is always a bit stressful but today seemed so much so.  There was a lot of true celebration at the dinner due to happy events occurring for some of their family members.  A young niece was there with her boyfriend announcing their new engagement and plans for a destination wedding.  Her parents were there also celebrating a 25th wedding anniversary and their upcoming anniversary trip to Aruba.  Another sister was there with her husband and three children talking about their plans for a vacation and their twin's upcoming communion celebration.  My brother was talking about his recent business trip and relishing in my niece's activities.

It was just all too much for me.  I was sincerely happy for them---weddings, anniversaries, children, vacations....But I couldn't help feeling very alone and left out....I couldn't help looking around the room at everyone and wondering that they had or did that I didn't.  Why had I never had any happy moments to celebrate?  Why did these others always have happy events to celebrate with seemingly little effort?  The one girl who just got engaged, for example, had no business experience and no education yet got a really good job easily.  She never wanted for boyfriends and now nabbed the guy she has been after to marry her since they met. 

I don't mean to sound selfish, because I truly am happy for the....All the events they are celebrating are really happy ones, worthy of the champagne and cake celebration that occurred today.....But I couldn't help thinking, especially of my brother, why he couldn't see how such a day might be difficult for me...I remember a few years back when he and his wife were having trouble getting pregnant, he took me aside one holiday and make a point of telling me to avoid talking about any topics related to families or children because his wife was having a hard time dealing with her disappointment.  Of course, I understand and made sure to steer clear of any such topics and tried to cheer her up.  The year she did become pregnant, I acknowledged her mom-to-be status on Mother's Day with a card and small gift....I just couldn't help wonder, "Can he really not see why such a day would be difficult for me on a certain level even if I was happy for them?"  "Couldn't he see how being surrounded by people who were experiencing happy, positive events, surrounded by people who loved them and paid attention to them, could make me feel?"  But I know he doesn't think that way.  In fact, when I got ready to leave early, he was shocked and asked me "Why?" in an incredulous tone.  I just couldn't handle it any longer....I had to leave.

I know this all makes me sound really selfish...but I just can't help thinking, "What is so bad about me?  Why has nothing happy or positive ever happened to me?  Why am I never a priority for anyone?

Well, I apologize again.  Like I said...this was just a vent....Just feeling sad and trying to cope with my sinking depression....Trying to keep some kind of perspective so my thoughts don't go in a direction I can't afford to let them go...

Thanks for listening...

[Overcomer]

I do not know if you are like me but it seems just like you say and I always feel like I am the odd man out ALL the time.  Then I really start to think-step back and look at my life and wonder what I am bitching about.  I am not sick nor is any of my immediate family.  I have a good paying job.  A lot to be thankful for I guess.  Can you think of all the good things?

[Ami]

Sorry Sun(((((((((((((((((((Sunblue))))))))))))))
 Sometimes, you just hurt. There is no right or wrong. You just hurt. I am sorry you are hurting, Sun, dear.                Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((Sunblue))))))))))  it all sounds quite overwhelming... just alot of - - everything, for one day.

Festive occasions and "special days" can be that way at the best of times. When you're not feeling up to par, it's all aggravated.
Betcha alot of folks feel that way at times, but they just put on a happy face.
Hope you're feeling better now.

Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Sun-I did not mean to be insensitive-I only wanted to say something someone said to of and that is LOOK LEFT AND LOOK RIGHT AND YOU WILL SEE MANY PEOPLE HAVE IT WORSE THAN YOU.  But I agree that sometimes we feel beaten down and ARE beaten down.  I know my M kicks me when I am down and often leaves me feeling used and abused.  Sometimes I cry out to God to GET ME OUT OF THIS NEVER ENDING STORY PLEASE!!  So I hurt with you but I also say to try to put things in perspective.  Love to you.

[sunblue]

Bean, Ami, Certain and Overcomer:

Thank you for your kindness and support....It means a lot to be acknowledged.....Today was just one of those days when the unfairness of this life kicks you right in the stomach.  Nothing to do about it....just sometimes really hard to swallow....So an empathetic ear is really appreciated.

Overcomer, I understand totally where you're coming from because I very often say to myself the same things you indicated...some days it's the only thing I can think to get myself through...I know so, so many people have it worse than me----people who are homeless, addicted to drugs or alcohol, those who are unemployed and desperate, those in third world countries with nothing to eat, those plagued with terrible and debilitating illness.....I do know that.....I think, though, that it is partly due to my Nmom's constant focus on perfection and lack of respect and interest in me that prompts me to consistently measure myself against those who have more, rather than less.  I never measure up...to them or myself....Some days I just don't understand why seemingly everyone around me, that I see anyway, come by things most people believe are the normal rewards of life---relationships, family, opportunities---and I never could...Like I said, some days are just tougher than others.

Anyway, I do understand your point and you are right in that so many people out there have it worse than me....I will try to focus on that this week....

Thanks again everyone.....Appreciate the warm regards..

[Juno]

Sunblue--I think it's the holes in us that cause those feelings to be so easy to tap into.  And which make it hard to feel better in comparison to those in wartorn countries.  Logically it is true that many, many others are worse off than us and would love to just be lonely rather than in refugee camps, etc.  But they are in survivor mode and don't have the luxury of loneliness as we do.  We are no longer in our survivor mode and have to face those holes in us.  It is a different challenge.  And a painful one.  It is a reminder to keep working on  healing and filling those holes in you--with a healthy you.

[alone48]

Sun,

My Easter wasn't much different than yours, just a different cast. I remember sitting there just staring at everyone and thinking, it's so odd that know one even notices I'm not interacting with them. Then again, maybe they were glad I wasn't. Of course it was at our house, so I didn't have the luxury of leaving, though I thought about it. I don't know about you, but I feel as if there is no where I truly belong.

[gratitude28]

Sun,
I can empathize with all you are feeling. I have no words of advice. Happiness creeps up when we are not looking for it, somehow. Lots of love and peace to you. Holidays for me can often be sad and lonely, even when I am with people I love and who love me.
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Sunblue - I have lived that type of Easter at so many holidays.  I would leave deeply, deeply depressed, AND resentful.  After so long of feeling that way I finally have come to a very different concept.  I finally have decided to get beyond the resentment and to look at each one of those aspects of celebration and rather than comparing my stark situation to their joy I have taught myself to fel joy for them just the way I would feel if it were me celebrating and I would imaging myself having that same success.  It has really helped me in so many ways.  It has helped me overcome resentment.

I still feel resentment but I can overcome it very quickly.  I found that that resentment fueled all the dark negative thoughts and feelings and kept me bound to darkness.  The process also helped me begin to be able to visualize positive things that I want for my life.  I have not yet manifested them but I have read so many people who write about the power of visualizing and I simply believe it.

I have great sympathy for you.  I would have hated that very experience.  But it is not too late to actually turn yesterday's experience around.  I encourage you to try it. 

If you would like, I would love to help you learn to change these deeply ingrained feelings, thoughts and reactions.  It is not easy but it can change your life.  My thoughts are with you and so is my sympathy - yours - GS

[sunblue]

Thank you Juno, Alone, Izzy, Gratitude and Gaining:

Your kind words of support meant so much....It's a bit comforting to know others have been or are where I've been. It's hard not to feel resentment and deep depression during these kinds of situations.  Sometimes I just can't get past those thoughts of "Why not me?  When will I ever have some measure of happiness?"  It's frightening to think those moments may never come...

So thank you for all your support.  I empathize with you all as well..as I know holidays can be trying for all families, Ns or not....But as one poster here said, it's hard to feel as though you belong.  If I had to sum up one feeling I had during my weekend, it would be that.  I simply below nowhere...Well, except maybe here on the board )

So thanks again....

[Gaining Strength]

Sunblue - I empathize with you and fully understand when you post, "Sometimes I just can't get past those thoughts of "Why not me?  When will I ever have some measure of happiness?"  It's frightening to think those moments may never come..."

I have held those very same thoughts.  I have learned that I can change my future by changing my thoughts.  I started changing my thoughts by thinking, "I want what you have." and then instead of allowing my thoughts to devolve into resentment I would add a thought, "I want what you have.  I will have what you have.  I don't know how but I chose to believe that I will have what you have and what I want."  And I just keep repeating those thoughts over and over not letting that resentment thought get in and if it does I get rid of it.

I actually find the resentment more comfortable than the other.  It sort of feels good, powerful but when I came to understand that it actually kept me down I made a decision to change my thought patterns.  It hasn't been easy and it hasn't been quick but I can definitely see the results and my life is beginning to take the shape I would like for it to.

Give it a try. You can do it at night when you lie down to sleep.  Just think back on your experience on Sunday and reimagine the experience but the way you wish it had happened and remember it by changing your resentment.  Just for and experiement - give it a try.

[Hopalong]

Hi Sun,
I would love to give you a big hug and take a long walk with you and invite you to pour it all out...I'm sorry you're so very sad. Blue.

Would you tolerate some practical questions? If you are willing, could you say whether:

--you get daily exercise?
--you get sunlight?
--you take supplements?
--you eat lots of whole grains and vegetables?
--you have any animals in your life?
--you volunteer anywhere, with other people?
--you attend a support or therapy group?
--you are setting aside most of your salary for your own place?
--you have plans to move out of your parents' house?

love to you, dear,
Hops

[Ami]

Yesterday, I had a session with Ann. She said some things, which sunk down in to my heart. She said that words frame your world. I always "knew" this,but I really "heard " it, this time.
 I feel more power to change my own life now.
 My thoughts are with you Sun. It is so, so HARD to change old established thought patterns!!                  Love    Ami

[axa]

Sunblue,

Can I add that I also have felt what you describe.  Sometimes I have felt like an alien in a room full of people who were so far from my reality that it hurt to the core.  I try to bring gratitude into my awareness the minute I start feeling my disappointment in my life.  Just small things, today I am grateful for the sunshine, the joke a friend made that made me laugh out loud, finishing the first draft of my paper, my friend paying for dinner...........small things, the warmth in the house as I sit and type these words......they help move me from a place of feeling my own loss to feeling grateful for what I have.

I hope yourday is better and you are not feeling so sad,

xxxxxxx

axa