Have you ever "felt" really loved?

[Ami]

Thank you Bee, Darren Lise, Deb, Beth, Sun, Izzy, GS, Alone, Kelly and Leah.
 I learned so much .
What struck me about love was the foundation ,which it can provide or not provide.     Love    Ami

[Gabben]

for a long time, I resisted feeling love because it HURT too much... the deficit from before; the love that should've been there...from my parents.
That's a wound I've been paying special attention to healing.

Amber,

This was a powerful line for me and it put well into words the grief I have been experiencing, a sort of overall grief at the loss of love and the loss of my voice.

Your line above really helped me to see it in a different truth, or light, there is pain in embracing genuine love because it touches the wounded hollowness of our hearts. As I write this I get the emage of ice and the extreme of heat....for me, the pain is the pain of intensity.

I'm working my way through your threads and reading....my heart and mind have been quiet lately but I am taking in what people write here.

Peace,
Lise

[Lupita]

Hi Ami, very interesting thread. I think that it depends in what is the concept of love for the person. Some times, twisted parents make believe children twisted concepts of love and when they grow up they look for the twisted concepts of love in other adults.

In my case, I would be happy with being welcome. Just that. That would be enough.

Many people, after a difficult childhood, they feel like Goldilocks. I dont remember how to spell it. Too hot, too cold, too hard, too soft, and they do not feel comfortable anywhere.

Thank you for your idea Ami. I only feel loved by my son. He is the onlyone who loves me unconditionally. And I love him back unconditionally.

Only God and parents can give unconditional love. Unconditional love is indispensable. We are human and after divine love we need human love too. And if we grow up with parents who always condition their love to something, we grow up confused, very confused.

Thank you Ami, love to you and all dear freidns in the board.

[Ami]

Dear Amber,Lise and Lupita,
 Thank you for your responses. I really love this thread, too.                                         Hugs,   Ami

[Ami]

I was talking to my Aunt ,last night. I was asking her if her D's felt a tortured sense of being insecure,as I do. She said,"No."Her D's are  successful and very sweet and humble.One travels all around the world, often alone. They meet life, as it is. They ALWAYS have my Aunt there, as a root. My Aunt was telling me how her youngest D is pregant and she goes to the doctor with her ,helps her with her other son etc.My Aunt is there, always, to give love and guidance. Can you imagine how wonderful that would be?
 My Aunt said if her D's were ever abused , she would open her house to them, as a "normal" parent would---bleh--NOT side with the abuser, as mine did.
 I really can't imagine the type of security my Aunt's love would give to her D's. My GM loved me like that and I DID have a security when she was alive.Life seemed like it had a right and wrong, up and down. After, she died,my "compass" died ,too, in a way. I would never have been abused as long as she was alive. She would have helped  me or demanded that my M and F did.
  I have had love from my GM and other extended family.
  I guess my M's love was predicated on my being weak, and I became weak.
  Sick love pushes you to your worst,in order to recieve it.
 Healthy love allows you to unfold.                                      Love   Ami

[darren]

Hi Darren,

Perhaps you felt guilty or frightened to let the real love in due to the comfort zone of your parents toxic love and the fears that letting in new healthy love could generate...loyalty is an issue for me to.

Low self-esteem was and is a battle for me too.

Thanks for the advice, Gabben.  In the past  I think I did feel both frightened and guilty of love and didn't allow it to happen.  I was afraid of failing at it.  Nowadays though, its a little different.  I'm not interested in love or forming any relationships, but I don't feel the fear and doubt that I did in the past.  I hope to figure out why I stopped being afraid yet still don't seek out loving relationships.  Maybe I just got so used to all that fear and guilt that I don't notice I'm feeling it anymore. 

[Ami]

Dear Darren,
 Intimacy(in to me you see) is terrifying when we have beem abused. We bought the lie that we were bad. The last thing we want is to open ourselves up to s/one and for them to see that we are bad, too.
 As we heal and see that we are not 'bad"(slow as hell-lol), we can take small risks to let a trusted friend see us. Then, we slowly see that we were not bad, just told that by abusers for THEIR good, not ours.             Love and Hugs    Ami

[Ami]

I think it is scary to feel loved, when you have believed that you are NOT lovable. You have a cognitive dissonance. You believed you were not lovable so you could believe your N parent was "right". You needed to believe  that or the world would "implode". So, you take the "truth" that you were an unlovable, shameful person and your parent  was right. Then , the world has 'harmony", but you are in trouble.
 You have a belief system which wants to stay "stable". That is what cognitive dissonace is about. You reject what does not fit your original beliefs so you can have consistency .The human craves order in their belief systems, I guess.
 For me, as I am loved, I get "screwy" sometimes. I want to reject it and make my original beliefs true(I am worthless). I have to leave my whole history with my M behind. It was all a lie, if I am worth s/thing, after all.
 Then, I feel tremendous anger at what she did to me. She convinced me I was worthless ,when I was  not. My belief  sysytem gets turned upside down.
 Then, I have tremenous anger at her for fooling me. In fact, I could kill her for the lies she gave me.That is where I am ,now. She taught me I was worthless . If I believe otherwise, my whole set of childhood beliefs must come crashing down.
 With them comes ALL the anger, rage, and pain that went in to their construction.
 The anger I feel at my M for forcing me to reject myself is tremendous.
                               Ami

[Overcomer]

Does anyone have this happen?  Am talks of her mom not letting her note in when her H was abusing her.  My M has sided with the abuser twice in my life but she did it so subtley and then blamed my brother and I for our unreasonableness and never took ANY responsibility for what she did.  That is what hurt so much-this betrayal and then denial of wrong doing.

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
 I think the factor that made me give up on life and set me up for abuse  WAS the betrayal by my parents and the siding with my abuser against me.It was  a blow that knocked me off my feet.
  When my M would not help me when I was being abused and THEN sided with him, I had no reason to really go on, if I was that worthless that my own M would let me get abused and not care. Then my H told me I was worthless, too, of course.
 When your own M betrays you, it is a very,very deep cut.
 My M ONLY just stopped,a few months ago.
I told you how I got in her and my H's faces and would not back down. Now, she is on my side, but it was purely from being beaten down by me. She would not have done it on her own.
 She realized that the gig was up with abusing me. The game was over. The 'stupid" person(me) learned and woke up. My H is the same way. He is so "good" to me, BUT the real him is still an N, who willget me when (of if )I am weak ,just as my M will.I have to than Janet for the training in martial arts(LOL)
                         Ami