Non N's appearing as N's ... i.e. the craziness of others.

[Newguest]

Hi.  I have never posted here and am relieved at the guest feature, though I guess there would be no better place for it than on this board.  

I grew up in an extremely N house.  My father was successful, intelligent, and tyrannical with frequent boats of rage for anything from raising your voice (that's challenging) to crying (that's showing weakness).  My mother was also intelligent, but was constantly put down and called stupid.  She began doing this to herself over time and also became manipulative and controlling over her children, oftentimes losing credibility with us because she could not stand up to him and never backed what she said.  Her manipulativeness was usually to deal with him i.e. wanting to bend the truth so that he and everyone would just calm down etc. but sometimes dealt with us i.e. wanting her children to be her friends and therefore not setting any boundaries or rules and then yelling at us for breaking the rules we didn't know about.   To this day, the contol and name calling and manipulativeness continue.  

I am now an adult and have recently gone through a wedding.  It was the most horrific experience of my life.  I wanted, for one day, to feel connected with my family but instead they all acted out their roles ... father was in control, mother was manipulating and anxiety laden, siblings were (for the most part) unable to be supportive and instead tried to plan parties for relatives without telling or inviting me the day before assuming that I would be "too busy" to come, everyone lied about their role in any of this.

My question is this.  I know that I grew up voiceless.  It took me more than 30 years to find a voice.  It took me bad relationships, poor choice of friendships, much therapy and a lot of hard work, but I did it and I have one now.  I also now have a great husband who is supportive and not condescending.  He hears me.  He sees how my family treats me.  

Is it possible to take on the appearance of an N, even when you are not?  I am constantly dubbed as the "crazy" one in my house.  I scream and yell at the inequities and unfairness, and I recently learned that someone in my family called me an N.  (The person who did so is an N of the worse kind, drawing people into two categories, those that are worthy to him and those that are not).  I am a figher by nature ... flight is just not who I am.

However, I am now starting to realize that my kicking and screaming can make me look like an N when I am not.  The expression don't let the craziness of others make you crazy rings in my head all the time.  I guess I do let them get me crazy.  But, the contrary is to let them get away with lies and manipulation and control.  

Is there an answer for any of this?  I have lurked on here quite a bit and seen that many of you just cut the ties.  Is this the only way?

[Portia]

Is it possible to take on the appearance of an N, even when you are not? I am constantly dubbed as the "crazy" one in my house. I scream and yell at the inequities and unfairness, and I recently learned that someone in my family called me an N.

Do you think you are an N? Kicking and screaming doesn't make an N.

You mention therapy. Has it dealt with expressing your anger? Check out:

http://www.mtoomey.com/violating_liberating.html

[Anonymous]

I SO understand what you are talking about. I've always been the one to point out the 600 lb gorrilla in the room when no one else would. I've grown up with a crazy Nfather and Nmother. My brother was the "sensitive" one who acted out all the anger and I was the "heartless and cold" one who didn't play along with the rest of the gang.

My wedding was a disaster. My unstable brother decided on the Thursday before hand that he wasn't going to be standing up in the wedding. Why? Because grandma and Nfather weren't allowed to have any part in the planning of it. Would have been nice if they would have said something to me about that. Nfather didn't do anything to encourage my brother to change his mind and behave himself. He also couldn't promise me that he would behave in front of Nmothers family (they were divorced by this time). So, I told him to stay home and I had my grandfather walk me down the aisle. I really had no intention of having him walk me down the aisle and "giving me away" as I cringed at the thought of 'belonging" to him anyways.

You're not the N for screaming about the circumstances you see them doing all the time. But I'll tell you from one who's been there, now that you're married, step very far back from your disfunctional family. You will be a much better and happier person for it because you won't be dragging their problems into your marriage as much. You have your own home and husband, now is your chance to get out. I've been married for 10 years and my husband has seen the craziness that my family brings, and we won't be a part of it anymore. Much more peacefull without it.

[Onyx]

Your post struck me as being Freudian.

[Ellie]

Hi Newguest,
I can tell you from my experiences that when you take a stand against an N, they will defend their territory - their control over you - to the bitter end. They will call you names like selfish, demanding, immature, narcissistic, whatever they can pull from their file of lovely names.

They do not want you to stand up for yourself, and will make you feel like you are the problem child. They do not want you to continue on with your plan to remove yourself as their supply. They want to keep you as you presently are, and will belittle you until you think you are Crazy! I'm dealing with this right now and it is very difficult. I spend time everyday asking myself if I am crazy. Then I think about how peaceful things are becoming to one extient and I decide to continue my journey.

I also had Nparents attempting to destroy my wedding. The wedding ceremony itself became their design. But H's mother planned a reception in his home state for his family and friends a week later. They are Italian and love weddings. My family is bible belt religious and there was no real celebration at their ceremony. To this day I call it their wedding ceremony. They palnned it, decided who would be there and pulled selfish and immature acts to belittle me and others who were getting some attention that day.

My Nparents were extremely agitated that they could not stop H's mother from serving alcohol, having a DJ and dancing, all the fun wedding stuff at the extra reception. They sat at the reception with long faces, refused to get out of their chairs the entire night and try to get to know our new family. Ndad refused to participate in the traditional father/daughter dance and H's father was deceased so his uncle stood in. I still wonder to this day how my father could sit there and watch someone else stand in for him and embarrass him in front of so many people. He is so stubburn, he was proud of himself for his actions!

When I said to Nmom a few weeks ago that my wedding was all her desing, that she said if I had alcohol there she would not attend, she responded with "you had alcohol at your wedding!" I replied that I did not and she said "your mother-in-law server alcohol at her reception so you had alcohol at your wedding and you refused to stop her from serving it even though you knew we were against it".

These were two different events, and they were 17 years ago, but Nmom still can't give up on the fact that even though she got full control of my actual wedding ceremony and little plain reception after, she could not control the recption H's mother threw for us.

N's are in their own little world, a world none of us can understand or participate of our own accord. We are participants none the less as they write the story line and control our lives as we allow them. But when we scream enough is enough, we may as well get a frontal lobotomy if we want to live around them and keep our sanity. Their world is insane to an extent. Get away, get away, get away!

[Anonymous]

Newguest,

It is common for a non-N to become hysterical around N's. This is what makes the non-N look crazy and gives the N's something to criticize.

Therefore my feedback is to stop allowing them to make you hysterical. I wouldn't bother fighting against them, it's futile. They aren't going to learn. What I do is avoid a lot, and just let them know that I don't agree with them. I also behave firmly so they learn not to mess with me.

bunny

[Newguest]

Thank you for your responses.  

I am sad about the need to remove and distance myself from family members.  I feel like it is the only way to start my marriage off on the right foot.  Doesn't make it any less painful.  

Thanks for listening.