Hi Everyone - Wanted to give update - Been out of touch!

[Ami]

Dear Beth
 What in you caused you NOT to repeat your childhood ,in your marriage. Is it a second marriage. Did you repeat your FOO issues n a first marriage?
 Thanks Beth. I know this is a hijack ,in a way, but actually very relevant to the topic(IMO)            Ami

[Elaine1966]

Axa, Lighter, Beth, Ami,
It really helps to hear all your insight, this is why I continue to write you.  In the counseling that I have been in, we discovered that things that happened to me in my years between 12-15 have affected me in my adult life.  I am very blessed to have the parents and family I have.  But without going into a long drawn out ordeal, I was an accident in which my parents had to marry at a young age.  My mother used to tell me how it was the worst time of her life and how embarrassed she was and how she had shamed her parents.  Well, when you are telling your pre-teen this, it has a huge impact as I grew up thinking I was the embarrassment for my parents.  There is a bit more to it, but my counselor thinks this is one reason why I feel I don't deserve to be happy and therefore go the type of men who are controlling, narcissistic etc.  Also, when things do go too well, I subconsciously sabotage the relationship.  We are working on these issues with myself as well as, I am also trying to figure out if I should tell my mother; however, she is going thru a rough time right now and I don't need to unload this on her now.  My parents have been very good to me, like I said, I am very blessed and yes, they are still married today.

This may help you all to understand a bit about me.  I just have to remember....I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be treated well!

Thanks to you all,
Elaine

[gratitude28]

Ami,
I always wonder the answer to your question... sometimes I think it's because my dad respected me and treated me well. He made me feel strong, intelligent and able. Fortunately, I identified more with him than with NM. I really think that is how I managed to escape that type of relationship.
I had a 6 year relationship before I met my husband with a controlling (or rather, he tried to) guy. I treated him badly, I am embarrassed to say. I should have been a better person and just let him go, but I used him as a fall back.
I never did this again. I met my husband and we have been married, as I said, for 15 years. I have been reading Dr. laura's book on marriage lately, and I love the idea that you can be annoyed with your husband, and still think he is a perfect spouse. I have to say, there are some days when the air guitar and the farting and the dirty clothes all over the room make me want to live by myself in a cool flat in a city somewhere...
Maybe I did the FOO thing with the 1st boyfriend. Also early in my marriage, but we were both a bit broken and fixed ourselves together.

Elaine,
Did your mom tell you the story in the hopes of preventing you doing the same (i.e. to help you) or to hurt you and make you feel you were a bad thing in her life? Is there more to the story? This seems like very little to make you want to hurt yourself.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth
I guess my problem was I married my mother(lol).              Hugs   Ami

[gjazz]

I can add this: my NF has been married three times.  Three times the pattern has played out: great courtship, sweeps them off their feet.  And they marry him and never find their footing again, until he finds someone else.  His second wife has spent years battling addictions she didn't have until she met him.  His third is stronger, and in fact younger than I am, but he still has control over her, their lives, the money.  Always, the money.  My M has spent the rest of her life trying to figure out what hit her, and she said it started on the wedding night.  Jekyll and Hyde.

[debkor]

Hi Elaine,

As much as we all here want to scream run and, we do,  it does not mean you will or are ready too.  I was the same.  I know you feel like a Queen right now but it can/and most likely turn around to see Prince Charming is really a monster in disguise.  

Keep your ears and eyes open.  Don't' forget what you learn. Don't' forget to self protect and be ready, if and when it happens.

Having knowledge of N's and how they tick you are one step ahead, even if you are not ready to go yet, Gather all knowledge and if you must run this will help you soften the blow.  

And Elaine, you are living in the moment, day by day, it's all about moments and they can change like day to night in a heart beat.

Love
Deb

[lighter]

Elaine... not only are you worthy of respect and being treated well/fairly/with consideration.....

it's your responsibilty to take care of yourself and make happy choices.

Knowing what you know.....

not being able to walk away......

can you at least limit yourself to remaining unmarried to this man, while involved with him?

Just trying to limit the damage.... when it arrives.

Not a matter of if......

it's a matter of when.

Lighter

[debkor]

Lighter,

*ditto to what you say*.


Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

Ohhh, Beth...I want a farting husband who plays air guitar!

 

(really. well, as long as he's not all-methane, all-the-time)

Hops

[gratitude28]

Yeah, usually I decide to keep him anyways...
I wonder how he deals with living with me? Wonder what annoying things I do that make hm cringe - lol. I KNOW they don't include air guitar.

[Elaine1966]

Beth,
In answering your question, I am certain my mother was only trying to avoid me from making the same mistake she did; however, as a young child, I perceived it wrong and grew up with this feeling of "everything is my fault," I don't deserve to be happy," I am the embarrassment for my parents."  Again, I am very fortunate to have such a great family, but things happened in my childhood that affected me and now I am learning that through my counseling.  My counselor is now trying to work with me on I guess changing my perception of myself, which I know will just take time.

To all others,
Again, thanks for your words, it keeps me on my toes and reminds me to stay guarded every day.  And Deb, you nailed it by saying I am not ready to leave especially when he is being so nice.  And Lighter, I will say that I am not ready to set a wedding date with this man.  He wants to get married and is only waiting on me, i am sure so he can back to his "monster" way and drop the charade, but I will say he is not pressuring me, at least not yet!

Hugs to all,
Elaine

[lighter]

It's much easier to escape someone if you're not legally bound to them, Elaine.

Look around the board.... so many here have made that mistake. 

I'm not sure you can ever get completely free.

You don't have to learn the hardest of hard ways.

As always, be careful.....

while you still can.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lily.......oh Lily.

I cannot tell you adequately how HORRIBLE it feels to marry an N who's been wooing you so sweetly (who then stops).

It
is
so
painful

Hops

[debkor]

Elaine,

What Light is saying is so very true.  I happened to escape the easy way.  If there was not an intervention I would have been in it, although I was out, only 3 years ago and I left over 15  or more, I think, I forgot. 

I had children with the man.  Long time to go00000 even when your out!  And right Light, is it over ever?  Don't know, so far so good.  I would think so, but never know.  But there are no more legal ties.

Love
Deb

[Elaine1966]

But my question is......how long can a N keep up this behavior?  Am I sure he can't change his behavior?  He is still in therapy every other week.  I would think in due time, I will start seeing the flickers, the signs, the reg flags.....and I haven't yet.  He has changed his ways for two months now.  That seems like a very short time frame but for him, that is a long time to maintain his composure.

Thanks to all,
Elaine