Hey Ami,
I wanted to sttart on a clean page and address some of what you had written (I finally got to read your post!! - I have been MIA lately).
First, do you think part of your anger now is because you are angry with Scott? I really think that there will be a time that you realize you ARE angry with him. No matter what his reason and whom he intended to hurt, he also devastated you. I think this is an issue you will have to face.
May I ask (and please don't answer if it is too painful), how did Scott take his life? You may have said this somewhere, but I missed it. Again, if it hurts too much, just ignore the question.
I was very interested in suicide as a teen. I dreamed about how I would do it, yet I really didn't need the escape quite that much. I remember telling my parents once that I understood why people committed suicide and my mother told me I was stupid.
I think the anger you are feeling is very important and a necessary stage of grieving.
I was also wondering, is your H seeing a therapist? Scott's girlfriend? Your other son? A lot of people were affected. Maybe you can diffuse some anger by helping them?
Ami, is is not a dishonor to Scott to be angry with him. You love him, and he made a very selfish choice. He may have felt he was making a sacrifice, but he should have realized he would hurt you terribly too.
(((((((((((Ami))))))))))
Love, Beth