pregnant and pissed off!

[ellen]

Hello- I guess I set myself up with my N mom and patsy/arrogant dad (the guy is an enigma), but...

I am expecting twins, and made it clear that I don't want my mother's help. This is due to a strict code I'm keeping that when she dumped me from therapy with her, there would be no outside contact until therapy was re-established.

My dad is rich, but lo and behold, he has told me that beyond the first 2 months, he will not pay for part-time or any help. I need to "fix the relationship" I have with my mother first before that will happen. So he and they are using this time of vulnerability and need that I have, where I feel genuinely off balance and scared, to try to scare me more and silence me back into being the needy child who sucked up and took it in the past.

The part that really pisses me off is that I almost took the bait! What the hell is wrong with me? My dad promised that if I patched things up, he would buy a house near us and a full-time housekeeper maid/nanny would live there. The payoff is that my parents would also get to "take care" of the babies when they were in town.

I saw the movie "Flowers in the Attic" recently, and got very spooked. That woman lost herself in trying to fit and prove and belong in both emotional and financial security. Based on a lie. I came sooo close! Suddenly, a voice kicked in my head saying "are you crazy? You'll be more stressed with them here, not less, and your  mom could have an 'accident' with a baby", which I don't put past her. So the brakes are on, permanently.

I can't believe I was so blindsided by fear and false support that I almost fell for that offer! Its the same issue time after time, except now I keep my head above water, thank God. I got so...emasculated??? that I gave up my own sense of my own power and didn't believe in myself, and I'm 35!

I'm pissed at them for never being parents and pissed at me for having temporarily chased a carrot on a stick. Its so annoying seeing these rich parents kind of enjoy my struggles. No, they do enjoy my struggles. My mom used to giggle when I told her about a drive-by I witnessed etc. in my old neighborhood before we started doing ok on our own (Pre therapy, pre having a fit...). I can't stand it. To top it off, my NO child sister, who is married to a guy who is mega-loaded (music industry), is getting full financial support from them- big house, monthly stipend, new BMW, WTF??

I am now told I get nothing. No private school for them, no help past 2 months (part-time), nothing. I know its not the biggest deal in the world and people have true struggles, but it hurts my feelings so much that they have the money many times over and choose to punish the grandkids because I am the parent. I don't get it. To also help, I am also thinking of posting at a local senior center to see if anyone wants to be with babies (and me!) for low or no pay. Maybe they miss kids? And I'm going to join the PTA and volunteer at the school someday so that the kids will get good treatment. I'm trying to think ahead and be positive, but it can be very sad for me. This pregnancy has brought up a lot of sadness, but better now than when they're born, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Ellen,

I can understand your disappointment. My parents financially support one of my siblings and no one else. I see why they're doing it but it's still unfair.

It's always nicer if parents are financially generous with their adult children. But many parents use money as a manipulation. So it's optimal to be financially secure and independent from manipulators.

Do you have a spouse? Sorry I can't remember.

bunny

[MadameButterfly]

Ellen,
First of all I want to say Congratulations.  You have the gift of two babies at once! wow!  I have three, 17, 14, and 12, they truly are all gifts, so I say hoorah for you.
Now, I just wanted to throw this out to you about your parents and their financial situation and your feeling of being left out.  And please you can correct me if I am wrong here, but I would imagine that you being financiallly supported by them comes with a HUGE price on your part.  If you depend on them for child care, help at home, etc.... what will you have to give to them in return, or better yet, what will you "owe" them?  How good would it feel, eventhough this may be the harder road, to handle this all by yourself?  And to know that you do not owe them for anything!  It was just my thoughts as I read your letter.  I wonder what your sister has to put up with in order to gain there support?  
Seems to me that they are trying to buy you with this therapy thing.  I don't know.  I can understand that this is a difficult time for you.   Do you have someone to support your decisions?  I'm sorry I am new here, so I don't know everyones story yet.  Oh, I do think finding someone who loves babies, like an adoptive Grandma would be a wonderful idea!  You never know, it may be just what they need too! Keep thinking you are on the right track!  I wish you all the best.
Madame Butterfly

[Anonymous]

Hi Ellen,

It must be pretty overwhelming to know you are going to become a new parent and of twins!  Wow!  Pretty great and pretty challenging, too.
I agree with above that one has to cut the ties with any money in order to cut the ties with the manipulation.  Independence is the only way out, whether you think their treatment is fair or not.  

Once while in a fit about my NSIL who tries to mooch everyone dry, I yelled she could take it all and she still wouldn't have what my H and I have: the ability to succeed all over again.  I know that sounds a little full of myself, but it was empowering to realize I didn't have to depend on anyone or twist myself up in order to receive crumbs from the table.  

Ellen, I think your idea to go to the senior center etc is the start of becoming resourceful, independent of your parents.  (It does make me sick to know that your own mom would laugh about your circumstances, but that's revelatory, isn't it?  Don't hand them any sticks (info) to beat you with.)  Play your own game.  They won't be able to stand the fact that you can stand on your own two feet.  And you can.  You will find a way to make it work if you are actively working on it and open to new ideas.  Don't look back.

Good luck!  Seeker

[Anonymous]

Another idea,

new moms often create their own co-op of babysitting.  If you are meeting new mothers through Lamaze, etc., this could be another way to go.  Ask around to find out what others do.   Seeker

[Nic]

Hi! Pregnant and pissed off should never appear in the same sentence!

I'm sorry this had to happen to you.  All that glitters certainly is NOT gold!
my parents are rich too...and they've switched their source of supply from me to my brother, and his wife and their two children.  It's a trade-off that will ultimately pay off! * sarcastic*
BUT..what a clever move on my part and now your part to see and stick to the real issues here!
Freedom has no price..this is more than a cliche, it's quite true!

 Nonchalantely go about YOUR life..don't ask them for anything unless you really have to, this drives them crazy!
Ns do have a tendency to dirty money.  
Congrats to you on your resolve, i'm cheering for you.* pom pom time*
I went from Camembert to Cheez-whiz and I love it!
The family Cheez-whiz  sized Cheez-whiz at that!
*dipping celery ( not celery heart !hahaha!) into the huge vat of Cheez-whiz and offering you some*
I'm so proud of you..bet your twins will be GREAT people.
Love Nic

[Anonymous]

Hi Ellen,

I fell for my parent's money and property bait too many times, I am embarrassed to say.  It came at a horrible cost.

I will be most likely written out of the will now.  My N brother will get it all.
Fair - no! I cared for years about how unfair they are. But now I am just glad to be free.

Healthy support is what you need alright! IMO