dealing with dissociation

[James]

Ami.........That is a very powerful insight. How are you feeling now towards your mother? Do you feel like this is beneficial in detaching from her and stronger in your own self?......James

[James]

Darren.........You are not alone in not being able to articulate your emotions much of the time. I do the same thing on a regular basis. I find that when i look closely a lot of what i perceive as being about the here and now is actually my emotional state of childhood. Trying to be an adult but reacting unconsciously as a child causes me a lot of confusion and pain. Now that i've become aware of this sometimes i am able to find the old pain etc. and feel it. This seems to free me up a little and i can make better sense of whats going on in the present. This process for me can be difficult and confusing.............james

[Ami]

Darren.........You are not alone in not being able to articulate your emotions much of the time. I do the same thing on a regular basis. I find that when i look closely a lot of what i perceive as being about the here and now is actually my emotional state of childhood. Trying to be an adult but reacting unconsciously as a child causes me a lot of confusion and pain. Now that i've become aware of this sometimes i am able to find the old pain etc. and feel it. This seems to free me up a little and i can make better sense of whats going on in the present. This process for me can be difficult and confusing.............james

Dear James
 I really can relate to reacting as a child to present situations. I have been doing that this past week.The event,on the board,opened up issues which were already there,but I had healed to some degree. I am glad they opened up again b/c they were not actually healed,only dormant.
 I feel like everyone is my M ,as far as getting ready to wound and decimate me IF I set a boundary and they get angry.
 I am replaying it, again and again.
 I have stomach aches when I get in this mode and cannot eat.  I get in a defensive and submissive mode and  wait for s/one to wound me.
 I feel helpless and powerless.I feel like I have to give them my soft underbelly to wound.
The answer is my own power,as I did ,last week. I can do it,in action, but it sets the old emotions in to play.
 It is about not feeling that  I have the 'right" to protect myself AGAINST  abuse. I feel like I am "bad" when  protect myself. I feel I am "bad" when I want to take care of myself and stand up for my own right to exist, to be.
 I was conditioned like this by a raging, scary NM and inside I am trying to get small enough and weak enough as a way of protecting myself.
              Love   Ami

[Ami]

Ami.........That is a very powerful insight. How are you feeling now towards your mother? Do you feel like this is beneficial in detaching from her and stronger in your own self?......James

Dear James,
 I felt like I was doing really well, as a result of this insight. However, now I feel like I went back a few steps. Maybe, I didn't. It might just feel that way.
 I had an interaction with my b/f which was very big. I wanted to be mothered, too much and he said that I was pulling on him too much. I saw that he was right and *I* would not like to mother him, to the degree that *I* was asking.
 I saw that I could not go back and be mothered b/c it would not work EVEN if he would or could "mother' me. I would be going back to being dependent and weak. I would get worse, probably, b/c it was a backwards slide ,not a forward move.
 I feel stronger,now. I see that my "dream" to be mothered can not come about from finding an "outside" mother.
 It is a lie that I can get whole this way.
 My wholeness will be in embracing my own core and center.
  I feel a sense that my b/f lovingly pointed me to health by refusing to "mother' me, excessively. It was an act of "tough love" and health.
                Love    Ami

[James]

Ami.......I can relate to what you said about looking for an "outside" mother. I think i have been doing the same thing to a degree with an 84 year old woman who is in bad shape . Her 5 kids have abandoned her and she is facing many serious late life issues. Myself and several other people have tried to help but i came to the realization yesterday why the kids abandoned her and I don't blame them at all. I will not be helping her any more. On my part i was drawn into this situation because i felt sad for her but i also realize that i might have been looking for the mothering i never received. The best thing that i can do is to "mother" myself and stay away from this very abusive person. This several month ordeal felt like a repeat of my childhood.    James

[Ami]

I have had a huge breakthrough on this ,James. I will write ,later.      Love   Ami

[James]

Hi Amber.....thank you for writing about this. My dissociation is so strong that it makes putting my feelings into words very difficult. I know this might sound strange but it just shuts down my feelings in general until i feel numb and struggle to sort them out. When i open up to childhood pain, often i am flooded with emotions sometimes to the extreme. The worst of this occured in my T's office when i remembered my dad terrorizing me . I did have a classic out of body experience where my body sunk downward and my consciousness was floating above. It was shear trauma remembering all that had been repressed. I have had a no of very scary memories or feelings without memories in the last 6 months.Even riding my bike for long distances started to jar lose old feeling but not necessarily memories. I wound up crying while riding many times. I am not riding at the moment. Have you ever experienced something similar? I really need the memories but i can experience an almost shutdown state as i feel this. It can last for hrs and push me to the limit. I wish i could make them come slowly so i don't short circuit, if this makes sense? i believe the intensity drives my anxiety and eventually forces me back into a dissociative state. Are you saying be very aware of the body when this happens in order to ground myself in the present while experiencing the past? Also did you ever have flashbacks etc just coming on for apparently no reason. I have had several while driving in traffic and it was difficult to maintain. I went home and got in bed till all this passed (hrs). I have them at home also for seemingly no reason.  All of this started in therapy within the last 8 months. I get confused not knowing if it's now or then. I hope this makes sense i feel a little confused trying to write this?...........James

[James]

Amber...I thank you for writing this. It's nice to know i am not alone with my experience. I have an appointment with my T this morning and this is going to be something to talk about. I have posted here more in the last few days since i spoke of my sexual abuse. This activity is really opening old wounds and i do need to develop a pacing as this occurs, otherwise it's just too much. My whole childhood has been lost and its because of the constant terror in my "home". This terror is exactly what i feel coming up even though it may not have specific memories attached, sometimes with a full range of sensory data like you said. Its strange as you know, unnerving. I get very impatient just wanting to get all this out as fast as i can, to get it over with. I will keep in mind having to go back and re-explore old stuff because i moved too hastily. Good point. I feel for you Amber, but i am glad you have put a lot of this to rest even though it must have been painful. Your story gives me a lot of hope. I may have more questions to as as this unfolds but if my experience is bringing up bad memories for you just ignore these posts. I will understand.................thanks again James

[James]

Amber........i had my appt with my T today. we discussed a lot of things including dissociation and she gave me the tips that you did. We were talking abt the terror that i experienced with my dad and suddenly i was starting to blank on everthing and had the sensation i was leaving my body. I told her what was happening rather than just sit silently and become more confused and then i made a conscious decision to feel my feet on the floor. Almost as fast as i did that i found myself back in my body and could continue the conversation. Wow, i have a tool now that really works, at least this one time but i am betting it will work most of the time.........thanks James

[Ami]

Dear James,
 Just thinking of you and saying "Hello". I am glad that you are getting help from s/one who has experienced what you are struggling with. It is so helpful not to be 'alone",on this "crazy" journey.
 I am sending you peace, joy and prayers, James.     Love   Ami

(((((((((James))))))