Darren.........You are not alone in not being able to articulate your emotions much of the time. I do the same thing on a regular basis. I find that when i look closely a lot of what i perceive as being about the here and now is actually my emotional state of childhood. Trying to be an adult but reacting unconsciously as a child causes me a lot of confusion and pain. Now that i've become aware of this sometimes i am able to find the old pain etc. and feel it. This seems to free me up a little and i can make better sense of whats going on in the present. This process for me can be difficult and confusing.............james
Dear James
I really can relate to reacting as a child to present situations. I have been doing that this past week.The event,on the board,opened up issues which were already there,but I had healed to some degree. I am glad they opened up again b/c they were not actually healed,only dormant.
I feel like everyone is my M ,as far as getting ready to wound and decimate me IF I set a boundary and they get angry.
I am replaying it, again and again.
I have stomach aches when I get in this mode and cannot eat. I get in a defensive and submissive mode and wait for s/one to wound me.
I feel helpless and powerless.I feel like I have to give them my soft underbelly to wound.
The answer is my own power,as I did ,last week. I can do it,in action, but it sets the old emotions in to play.
It is about not feeling that I have the 'right" to protect myself AGAINST abuse. I feel like I am "bad" when protect myself. I feel I am "bad" when I want to take care of myself and stand up for my own right to exist, to be.
I was conditioned like this by a raging, scary NM and inside I am trying to get small enough and weak enough as a way of protecting myself.
Love Ami