re-inventing or re-writing my past

[towrite]

I've decided to re-write my past. I'm going to take every bad memory I have involving my NPs and rewrite it the way I wished it it been or the way it would have been healthy for me. There are so many things I love that I am blocked from doing because of some intense fear. This rewriting, my therapist says, is a good way to nurture myself. It will show I have the capacity of a "good" parent inside me, something I've feared for a long time. I mean, I've feared I didn't have it. It won't be a chronology or in any kind of order, and it may be just snippets of my past, strung together. But I am going to do it.

My friend that I am living with has become very depressed and it's affecting me. I am trying to hold myself separate, to maintain my boundaries and keep my "zipper on the inside". It's hard.

towrite

[Gaining Strength]

ToWrite - I am with you on both accounts.  In my (ridiculously long) post on shame today, I describe a Memory (?) or image from age 6 that came to me in a rewriting moment.  I did not will it but used an image that came to me.  I have been doing this every now and then with images that come to me.  It has been so, so helpful - in two distinct ways: it helps alleviate the fear of old shaming memories (now that I can rewrite them I do not fear re-experiencing the shame that they bring up) and it gives me a new "memory" that is pleasant and not painful.

On the issue of your friend's depression - as someone who has suffered from debilitating, clinical depression I am fully aware of how infectious another's depression can be - especially when you are in close proximity for an extended period.  One way to protect yourself is to put up a psychological barrier.  You can invision it as an invisible shield that bounces the depression off of you and protects you.  If you are interested in a biblical passage that can help with this read Ephesians 6:10-24.  It is about putting on God's armor as a protection from "the cosmic powers of this present darkness."  I have found it helpful.

My thoughts are with you.  Even in your dark struggle you are finding ways to survive.  but I see you as being on the path to triumph which is much greater than mere survival.

yours,
Gaining Strength

[ann3]

Hi Towrite,

I agree with Amber and GS. Wish I had the mental energy & courage to re-write disturbing past memories.  My desire is for the opposite:  wipe my memory bank clean, have no memories at all, a blank slate.  Probably unhealthy and impossible to do.

Sorry you're absorbing your friend's depression.  I agree the best thing is internal psychological/emotional boundaries.

Best to you.

ann

[seasons]

Hi Towrite,

That sounds for interesting and cleansing. ((Strength)) to you as you rewrite your past, making way for a loving future.

Keep up your boundaries. Best wishes seasons

[Gaining Strength]

Ann3

My desire is for the opposite:  wipe my memory bank clean, have no memories at all, a blank slate.  Probably unhealthy and impossible to do.

I wish you a reprieve and protection from your memories - a sort of "virtual" clean memory bank while you fortify yourself until you have the strength and desire to re-write.

Yours,
Gaining Strength

[Ami]

Dear Kate,
 I am wishing you healing,as you undertake this venture. I think that facing truths IS  the healer .
 I am beside you, as you walk down the road to freedom, dear friend.     Love   Ami