More Anger

[darren]

I still have some serious anger and resentment going on.  During my five year relationship with the very disordered girl, she spread a lot of lies about me to her friends and even my coworkers.  I'm over the fact that my ex did these things, and I've forgiven her for it even though she isn't sorry.  I haven't been able to come to terms with destroying my reputation among certain people, who still feel the need to talk about it. 

The things she did were just aggravating.  For example, she'd lie to me and see guys behind my back.  She even cheated on me.  I told her I was going to leave her because I couldn't trust her anymore, and I couldn't handle her lying to me and going behind my back.  She apologized and begged me to stay, but then would get resentful.  She'd tell her friends I was controlling and wouldn't allow her to talk to guys.  She left out the parts that caused me to act the way I did.  I mean, she'd lie to me about some guy and I'd tell her I'd leave her if she talked to him again.  She managed to convince her friends that this was controlling and abusive.

But it wasn't like that.  I wouldn't have been inclined to leave if she had been honest about who and what she was doing behind my back, and I did give her the opportunity to do that.  But she would just lie more under the guise of "I didn't trust her anyway" so she had to hide it.  She never made an attempt to gain my trust back, she simply made it worse day by day. 

Any time she'd do something horrible to me, she'd tell her friends but distort the truth.  She convinced some people that I am a very horrible and abusive person, and she gets away with all the abusive behavior that she did.  Its upsetting that she doesn't have to account for her actions and I do.  They consider her odd, or eccentric, or "unconventional", and thats an excuse to lie and spread rumors about people.

She's not an innocent girl.  She has lied to, harassed, and attempted to destroy peoples lives.  Why am I the only one who recognizes that she does this?  I feel for people who had horrible childhoods that have messed them up mentally as adults, but she does not have a conscience. 

I wish there were people around who'd stand up for me and defend me, but unfortunately I didn't share what was going on with people.  I didn't offer anybody an alternative view.  I just don't understand how people can believe her.  The people who do, are fully aware that her lying is pretty much pathological.  Nobody can deny she has trouble with honesty.

Anyways, this is still haunting me several years later.

[Gaining Strength]

I am going to offer this comment at the risk of sounding pat and superficial.  Perhaps the door has closed on those friendships because they were not strengthening or solid relationships to begin with - so they closed so you would be forced to open the door to better, more beneficial friendships.

I say this out of having had an entire circle of friends closing the door on me because ofo one friend closing the door and then falsely maligning me.  When I tried to open the door with some of the others they would say, "Why don't you apologize?" to which I would ask in earnest, "Tell me what offense I have given so that I CAN apologize." But noone would answer.  Very, very painstakingly I have slogged through this life without a circle of friends believing in spite of the inordinate loneliness and aloneness that that door closed so that another would open. 

The other door has not yet opened - but after 6 years I am confident that it will.

So I do not say this lightly but as a possible thread for you to cling to and to climb out of the pit with.

yours,
Gaining Strength

[darren]

I am going to offer this comment at the risk of sounding pat and superficial.  Perhaps the door has closed on those friendships because they were not strengthening or solid relationships to begin with - so they closed so you would be forced to open the door to better, more beneficial friendships.

I say this out of having had an entire circle of friends closing the door on me because ofo one friend closing the door and then falsely maligning me.  When I tried to open the door with some of the others they would say, "Why don't you apologize?" to which I would ask in earnest, "Tell me what offense I have given so that I CAN apologize." But noone would answer.  Very, very painstakingly I have slogged through this life without a circle of friends believing in spite of the inordinate loneliness and aloneness that that door closed so that another would open. 

The other door has not yet opened - but after 6 years I am confident that it will.

So I do not say this lightly but as a possible thread for you to cling to and to climb out of the pit with.

yours,
Gaining Strength

I don't think that sounds very superficial at all and it makes a lot of sense.  There might be a part of me that feels I deserve what these people think about me.  It could be that I have problems getting angry with them because of that, and that I cannot accept that these people are generally... bad people.  What they did was very wrong and were very bad decisions on their part.  I might have a hard time accepting that and letting that door close.

I've been much better off since I've been developing healthier friendships.  I just have a hard time understanding people, and how they sometimes normal decent seeming intelligent turn on one another and get full of anger and rage for reasons that aren't justified.  I don't seem to have that problem, and it just doesn't make sense.

Thanks for your advice =)

[James]

Darren....well maybe other people don't see what she has done because you have not voiced your side but also even if you did they might refuse to see it anyway. In the past yr i have lost most of my friends. I found that as i confronted my truths some of them didnt like what they saw because they were being exposed. They simply rejected me for personal weaknesses in themselves or i rejected them. I am refusing more and more to let others shake down my integrity and even though i have fewer friends the couple that still remain are worth knowing. Maybe you are partially angry because you feel the need to defend yourself against people who's opinions don't really matter. You are trying to figure yourself out, thru truth, and as far as you have indicated your ex and her friends don't engage in a self search like you are. I am not sure people like this can see and appreciate what is really going on. In my case letting go of destructive people has opened the door to find others who are healthy. I am better equipped to do this now.  My anger that i had is nearly zero simply because i refuse to let these people mess with my self worth/esteem anymore by seeking their approval. I dont care what they think and i'm glad they're gone now. I believe the type friends you are looking for are difficult to come by for any of us.This is just my opinion compost if it doesnt help........James

[Ami]

Dear Darren,
  What hit me when I read your post was thst your g/f was a sociopath. Sociopaths can fool most people. That is why she fools people.You are not a sociopath. I can tell that by how you write.
 She ,probably , appears to be the "good one" b/c she is  a liar and a wonderful actress. That is my take on it, Darren.   Love    Ami