Some Big Breakthroughs

[Ami]

Dear Hops and James
 I was really embarrrassed to write about my H,but I am so glad I did. I told him that I cannot "engage" with him on anything other than "practical  topics" .
 I can't. I cannot be an emotional rock for him, when I am just beginning to feel a little better, or I was , before this.
 I simply can not go on with his burdens,on top of mine.
 I told him this and he did not like it,but it is a pure survival mechanism for me.
 Thank you so much for your responses. I really needed s/one else to help me see the obvious.S/times the most obvious thing eludes you.          Love    Ami

((((((((James, Hops)))))))))))))))))

[Leah]

I might as well spill ALL my guts on here.
 My H is telling me that HE wants to kill himself. My best g/f says that she has a vision of it. She DID have a vision of Scott's death, a year and a half before he died. She told me to take him out of school. I tried ,but he convinced me he wanted to stay.
 My H is home for 2 weeks.
 I am really, really "hitting the wall".
  I am going to have to tell him that I cannot "engage' with him emotionally. I really am just starting to feel a little bit better.
  I will have to do that. I will call Ann and have my H talk to Ann, not me.                                  Ami

Hi Ami,

Praying for you in this situation.  I thank God that you have Ann as a means of support. 

Your H maybe wanting to offload his emotional burden, selfishly, to ease himself, I say this from personal experience as that is exactly what my now exH did to me, though at the time I did not realize.

I pray, and hope, that your H will sit and open up to Ann.

You have carried too much (((((( Ami )))))) too many burdens.

There is a generational spirit of suicide passed down from father to son, in my now exH's family, which I believe is now broken, by saving my exH from suicide at the brink, with God's help, not I alone.

I extend my sincerest empathy, Ami.

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thank you, Leah. Your prayers mean so much, as do your kind posts.
 ((((((((Leah))))))))        Love   Ami

[Ami]

I see that my stomach problems are about losing the ability to protect myself. When I told my H that I can ONLY have practical interactions with him,I felt better.
 I see how I have been living 'outside " myself, meaning that I am furiously trying to get the outside to make me OK, validate my reason for being.
This  time period(right now) seems to be the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am hoping that I have 'gone back" emotionally to the time when I gave myself up and am  NOW are taking myself ,back.I am hoping that this is why it is so hard, righty now.
 It would be worth everything ,if that were true.
  I appreciate so much the love you give.           Ami

[Ami]

Thank you Amber. That post really helped. I appreciate, so much, that you shared those insightful things with me.   Ami

[towrite]

Ami - I know, for me, that when my NPs were never pleased with me, never praised me, never showed any appreciation for anything I did, I myself kept raising the bar (expectations), thinking that if I could only do more/better, I would win what I craved. As an adult I was/am stuck with those high expectations of myself. And I keep disappointing myself.

towrite

[Ami]

I have had some more breakthroughs.
 I talked to my M ,this morning. She owned HOW she was as a M. My friend, beyond smart(lol), showed me just how manipulative my M was. I  saw how sly she was,finally.
 She owned many things that she had previously 'thrown" on me. It really helps if the N CAN own things. Vaknin says as the N gets older, s/times they can change. I don't know. I just know that it does help to put back ON her what WAS hers,
 My H and Ann decided that he cannot put emotional issues on me. That has ended, Thank Goodness and thank you to  sweet friends, here, for your love.
 It is so wonderful not to be alone. The people on the board understand N's and thus understand the life experience you HAVE . I realized ,yesterday, that a person ,with  non N parents, simply cannot understand the experience with an N parent. I am not going to try to "go there'any more ,with 3 D friends, who simply cannot understand.
 The mothers in the grief support group understand my experience with Scott and another mother cannot. It would be impossible, no matter how hard they would try.
 That is understood by people. The N parents is exactly the same. S/one HAS to have lived it. If I expect s/one to understand, I will be dissapointed and feel a rift with that person. If I know they can't,I will enjoy our relationship,on other levels.
 That was a big breakthrough.      Love   Ami
 

[Gaining Strength]

I am so cheering for you.  I don't understand what you posted about your husband's putting emotional issues on you and would like to know what you mean.  But if you don't want to go into it then I am just glad that are free of it now.

I think that realizing who can and cannot understand is a major insight.  For me it was life-saving but only because I found this place with people who could understand the N parent.  I had wasted a life-time trying to get people to listen to my pain and having friends and people I really cared about turning away from me.  I was desparate for understanding and compassion.  This article that LilyCat provided the link for really helps me understand why noone cared or had empathy for me and why they all turned their back on me.  This article - especially the end - opens up an understanding of this lifelong struggle of voiceless screaming and doors shutting.

This  time period(right now) seems to be the hardest thing I have ever been through. I am hoping that I have 'gone back" emotionally to the time when I gave myself up and am  NOW are taking myself ,back.I am hoping that this is why it is so hard, righty now. I posted on another thread today about how fear and doubt of healing have negated the positive effects of so much healing that I had accomplished earlier in my life.  I feared that the healing wasn't real and feared that I didn't deserve it and I doubted that the healing would last.  Those fears and doubts became more powerful than the healing. 

I'm telling you this because I see the fear and doubt in this part of your post. You are healing but you are afraid that you are not and you are afraid that you don't deserve it.

You are healing.  Go back and read your posts from the past couple of days and you will see it.  Don't doubt it.  Don't give power to the doubt.  Believe, have faith and wait for the healing to manifest.

[Ami]

Dear GS
  You are such a wonderful friend. I read a some  of that article and may have understood, a little. I can see that there is tremendous wisdom, there,but it may take time.
 What I got on a first reading was that we have to OWN our feelings and not minimize them b/c they are not "politically correct," unacceptable to us or unacceptable to our "parents".
 I used to do this ,when I was younger. IF I had a feeling, I owned it,simply b/c it was mine and I trusted that it was human and OK, just what everyone had.Is that what the article was saying, GS?
  My H wants ME to absolve HIM of guilt over Scott. My H wants me to tell him that *I* need him ,so he doesn't commit suicide.
  I told him that I cannot do those things or *I* will go under. It is that simple.
 Thank you,GS, for assuring me of my healing direction(Up , rather than down,lol). I can see it, today. Your reassurances were a big part in my seeing that I AM going upward.   Love    Ami

(((((((GS)))))))))))

[Lupita]

What makes me sad is that your husband and you never talk about your other son, as he did not exist. It makes me feel like me. My ;arents treated me as if I did not exist.
How about Gregory, he might need you. Can you tell us some about him, please, please?
I feel so much for him!!!! Is he doing fine? does he have a good rel;ationship with you?

Love for youa nd praying for you!!!!

[Gaining Strength]

My H wants me to tell him that *I* need him ,so he doesn't commit suicide.
  I told him that I cannot do those things or *I* will go under. It is that simple.

OMG - That expectation is way too much.  We all need someone in our lives to understand us and care about us but he has crossed the bar by trying to hold you responsible for whether he choses to live or die.  But look - you drew the line.  You are able to claim your boundary and that is very, very important part of the healing.

[Ami]

Lupita
 The point is I CAN"T talk about my son with him . I CANNOT handle discussing my son with him.                    Ami

[Iphi]

Dear Ami - You have my support and encouragement.  I am just catching up now and can only second what people have said.  This is so super-hard.  It's way wrong of your H to put these things on you.  I rejoice that you have been able to stand up for yourself and disentangle from his crazy net on this. 

Reading this, it strikes me that he put a crisis on you.  And I recall that he did this before around January, I think, when he feared he had a life/death health crisis - and he put that on you.   Two things hit me (1) he creates crisis and (2) the crises are about him.  This stuff is his responsibility to pick up and work on, if he ever does.

Both my parents create crisis (or use a crisis that happens) in different ways.  It is a struggle for me not to go into red alert (and allow myself to be used and controlled) when they do this.  I see it as a way that they get people to act for them.  At bottom maybe that's how they seek love, you know?  And/or reassure themselves that things are still the same (fear of change/loss of control).   I can feel compassion toward that.  In the past, my feeling for them seemed like a reason to dance to their crazy tunes.  But it is not a reason.  Time to stop dancing to the crazy tunes.

It is their responsiblity and they own it, whether they want to or not.

Our issue is to extricate ourselves from them placing all the stuff they own onto us.  I think you are doing a great job and your growth and progress really, really, really shows, through all that has happened.

Also, the picture of yourself that was built by your NM and that dogs you and you are struggling to overcome - I see a totally different person than that picture describes.  It's the difference between a phony picture and a real live, living being.  And the picture just doesn't even look like the living being at all.  No resemblance.

[Ami]

Thank you, Iphi. I really appreciate what you wrote. I love your quote at the bottom. Who is the person who wrote it?   Love   Ami

[Iphi]

Ami - she was a writer who wrote fiction books in the 30's and 40's.  The books are set in past times and have a big preoccupation with ethics, how to live, god and spirit.  I like them a lot.