Some Big Breakthroughs

[Ami]

I have had a few breakthroughs in the last week.
I had one, yesterday. When I would be with female friends, I would have the feeling of being numb.I, also. would have a depression come over me, and sometimes, a stomach ache--bleh.
  My friend told me to just sit with these feelings, first of all and just note them.
  I have been doing that.
  I have seen that I am 40% present and 60% numb.
  He said to just "BE  in the 40% present" , not  in the 60% part which is trying to protect myself(from my M, the old tapes)
 He said the 40% part would grow and at some point, I would just BE present.
 I tried this today, when I was with a friend. I did not hold myself in a defensive posture, to ward off her anger or rejection(i.e. treat her as if she were my M). I just relaxed and realized that IF I was hurt, I could handle it. I didn't have to be in a "suit of armor"--bleh.
 We had the best conversation and were the closest we have even been and I have known her for over 20 years, from before I had children.
   I had another breakthrough, too. I had always pushed myself to go out and do things with people and activities, even though I ,usually didn't want to. I made a decision to have a program to be more social, but do it at a pace that was comfortable.
  Also, I am going to accept help on fixing up my house, without feeling guilty.
  I need help in many,many areas. I AM a failure in ALL those areas ,according to my M, but screw it, so what? I AM a faliure in her eyes and always will be,but I just can't do things up to that standard,in the  outside world OR  myself.
  I am a faliure ,in her eyes, b/c I am NOT the "top" in everything. I am NOT.
  My house is always going down and I, myself, have many sides that are not good, but I have many sides that I like, too.
 I just have to surrender to God b/c I made a huge mess of my life trying to follow what I was taught.
 It never worked.
 My friend accepted me, as I was and I was able to begin to love myself. Then, I could see these long held patterns that were based in self hatred and shame b/c I was not meeting perfectionistic standards.
  I think a good deal of our self hatred is b/c the standards were so impossibly high that anyone would fail ,who was trying to meet them. Then, we were set up to hate ourselves.
                               Ami
 

[Ami]

My other breakthrough was in always looking for a mother from the outside. I see that it won't work to go more IN to dependency. I will go down,not up, even if I could find s/one who would "be" my mother.
 It was a huge revelation b/c I have tried to find a mother in all of my relationships, male and female---bleh.
 I feel a sense of hope for finding my own core and with  my own inner peace and happiness.

[ann3]

Ami,

I'm at work, so this is a qwik post, but WOWSER!!  These are such big, huge, enormous revelations.  Gosh, These revelations go to the core of who you are and what you feel and your awareness can only eventually lead you to a happy life.

One clarification:  You are not a failure, your NM may see you that way, but it is not true. It's just another of her distorted lies and I'm glad you see this. 

I think that when we feel our parents view us as a failure, it taints our entire life because kids naturally seek approval from parents and when the parents never give approval, kids feel defective to their core.  So, we must give up the wish, dream that our NPs will EVER approve and instead, we must get approval from ourselves-I guess this is what is meant by reparenting ourselves

love,
anne

[Gaining Strength]

Oh Ami, I am so glad that you have had these breakthroughs and insights.  That will be a great help.  I really want to encourage you even though I can't quite come op with more depth to my post.  You are on an important journey and are clearly moving straight towards healing.

I am standing by cheering for you.

Love,
GS

[Ami]

Dear Ann and GS,
  Thank you so much for your posts. I am all "over the place", emotionally, right now.
   I see that my M told me I was 'bad". This encompassed ALL of me, my emotions, thoughts, perceptions. I am getting the "inkling. "(lol) that it was a lie. I have a huge rage . I could really destroy her.
 She "fooled' me in to throwing myself, away. She fooled me in to thinking 'human" was bad.
 She is still trying to undermine any confidence or trust.
  I am going between depression and rage.
  I am thinking that ALL of it with her was a big, fat lie.
  I can see that I truly got broken down emotionally ,like they would a POW. I could not hang on to truth. I got "blank".
  I could not reason or see myself, as I was.
  I, virtually, WAS the clone that Vaknin talks about.
   The N's send out clones.
  I am blown away by seeing this--bleh.           Ami


PS  The ONLY thing that keeps me going are my dear friends on the  board b/c whenever I want to think that *I* am all alone, I think of you, who struggle with the same thing----N damage. Other people could not get it.
 My friend, whom I talked to ,today, had an alcoholic for a F, BUT can not understand what I went through. When I tell her about my M,she cannot understand---period. You, on the board have been through N 'torture" and do understand .

[Ami]

I had another breakthrough. It was  seeing that IF you have an N parents, other people do not and  cannot understand YOUR life.
  Part of my going in to a shell was trying to share my life with other people who would look at me strangely. They would give me advice based on Non N's. I felt like I was failing b/c advice that works on a  Non N will NOT work on an N.
  Even with an NH(or very Nsih), the same advice that would work on a non N will not work on him. I tried being"nice' etc. What works is brute force(lol)
  So, there are tools for N's that you have to use ,which other people who do not have N's do not understand.
  The people I share my deepest heart with,now, understand N's.
   I can have friends who do not understand ,but I cannot expect them to
get it",in this area of life.  Ami

[Leah]

(((((( Ami ))))))

Please know you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Leah x

[Ami]

Thank you Leah, Amber, GS and Ann
 I appreciate it so much when I see so many caring replies. I am getting to the deepest level of lies. GS inspired me, with the shame thread, to really dig deeply.
  I feel like I am on the verge of losing my mind, but hope that I am on the verge of gaining it(lol).
  The deepest level of  pain is my NM's brainwashing that I was "bad" for having "selfish" thoughts or wanting to have a sense of myself.. It is funny ,but I just realized that THESE are the things that the N is all about. THEY are supremely selfish and want to be number one.So, I was shamed for exactly what the N is. That is funny. I know this must mean s/thing
  I know that I do have a core inside me. I just don't trust it .
  If I could be convinced that I was "human " and not "bad", I would be well. That would be it. I am on the last step, I think.
  This part hurts the most. I can see HOW violated I was  and how I believed it. I feel like I was scammed ,robbed  , violated as if s/one broke in to my actual house.
  I have been victimized, for sure.I see it and feel it, right now, as I have not before.I feel tremendous rage to my M.I want to fight back ,NOW, the way I couldn't when I was young.
  I am feeling all the things that I suppressed.
  I really hurt badly, but am hoping this is a pivotal point in healing. Thanks for all your help .  Ami

[Gabben]

 My friend accepted me, as I was and I was able to begin to love myself. Then, I could see these long held patterns that were based in self hatred and shame b/c I was not meeting perfectionist standards.
  I think a good deal of our self hatred is b/c the standards were so impossibly high that anyone would fail ,who was trying to meet them. Then, we were set up to hate ourselves.
                               Ami

Ami -- I could relate with this. Self-acceptance is so important but until we find someone that we feel completely safe in sharing ourselves with we will have a hard time accepting and looking deeper into ourselves in order to integrate the spilt off parts, the parts that NM did not want and did not accept.

God can be a source of that unconditional acceptance too, just think, He can see completely into you and He knows you better than you know yourself -- God still wants to be married to us, or united to us despite ourselves and our mistakes.

If God can accept all of me then I can accept all of me too...slowly I can begin accept my low self-esteem, my failures, my own feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.

Your friend is a blessing from God. My girlfriend who got married this past weekend is just one of those blessings for me too. She is wonderful...we met about 6 years ago, I was more a mess than I am now.  She is healthy, capable of genuine love and full of self-respect. She saw my brokenness but she loved me and never made me feel ashamed. The other night I was talking to her on the phone; I asked her why she wanted to be friends with me back then, six years ago, she said that despite my issues and my low-self esteem, she saw so much more -- the cup is never half empty-- It is only almost full Just like with you Ami -- you may see issues but I see wonderful person with some really good qualities.



Hugs,
Lise

[Ami]

Thank you,Lise. That is so sweet. It really touches me.
 You are right.My friend does not shame me. Instead ,he tells me how he felt or feels the same way. It is  special.
 My local radio station changed from regular programmimg to Catholic programming. I am not Catholic,but it is very peaceful . It is 24 hours.
 I, always, think of you, Lise, when I listen.
 The bottom line of ALL is that we have God.
  If you care to, go on U tube and listen to the song,"I will take you home". My friend sent it to me and I started mourning Scott when I listened. I started being able to really cry.
 It is about God's love(IMO) . It says we can't be lost when we are ALWAYS found. It talks about God taking you home ,in His arms.
 We are not lost ,Lise. We are always found . We just feel freaking lost(lol).          Love   Ami


(((((((((Lise, Me)))))))

[Ami]

I might as well spill ALL my guts on here.
 My H is telling me that HE wants to kill himself. My best g/f says that she has a vision of it. She DID have a vision of Scott's death, a year and a half before he died. She told me to take him out of school. I tried ,but he convinced me he wanted to stay.
 My H is home for 2 weeks.
 I am really, really "hitting the wall".
  I am going to have to tell him that I cannot "engage' with him emotionally. I really am just starting to feel a little bit better.
  I will have to do that. I will call Ann and have my H talk to Ann, not me.                                  Ami

[Gabben]

I might as well spill ALL my guts on here.
 My H is telling me that HE wants to kill himself. My best g/f says that she has a vision of it. She DID have a vision of Scott's death, a year and a half before he died. She told me to take him out of school. I tried ,but he convinced me he wanted to stay.
 My H is home for 2 weeks.
 I am really, really "hitting the wall".
  I am going to have to tell him that I cannot "engage' with him emotionally. I really am just starting to feel a little bit better.
  I will have to do that. I will call Ann and have my H talk to Ann, not me.                                  Ami

Ami --

I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers. ((((AMI))))

[Ami]

Thank you((((((((((Lise)))))))))
 I need Ann to help me. I can't carry this myself. I realized that, after I wrote it.        Love    Ami

[Hopalong]

I can't carry this myself.

WHO COULD CARRY SUCH A TERRIBLE THING ALONE???

I'm glad you're getting help, Ami. This is an awful thing to having hanging in the air.

Hops

[James]

Hi Ami....i just read this thread and I am so sorry you are hurting. You are having so many breakthrus, getting to the core of your injuries and then your husband tells you what he did. Thats a huge load for anyone to carry. Please keep writing here as you have friends who do understand. Your decision to have Ann talk with your H sounds very wise and self protective.........Thinking of you   Love, James