I can't do that. I have worth and value. I just have to break these fear patterns. At the root of all this must be fear.
The Bible says "Perfect Love Casts out Fear."
IF I could 'get" how much God loves me, my shame ,fear and guilt would probably just melt.
Dear Ami,
Perfect Love does cast out fear. But, the root of fear is SELF. Self can't overcome self. So the real question is how do you get rid of self?
Throughout my ordeal with N saint I have seen amazing opportunities for growth. As N saint has taken my spiritual director, which was her first hit, I learned that my pain and anguish was because of my attachments to how I was seen in his eyes and his opinions of me and appoval. Having that relationship smashed, because of her betrayal and slander, was a good thing for me. Instead of clinging I let go and went to my wounds, cried and hurt the deeper stuff behind the attachments and worked through my deep layers of victim anger.
N saint has taken my reputation and taken my ministry work which is a passion for me. My opportunities to use my gifts and talents were diminished but I learned that N saint could never take my God given gifts away.
I remember the day I got an email from her about a banquet event (power, prestige) it irked me, I felt envy....but I sat for a minute, prayed and then saw how all of my pain was rooted in selfishness and if I just gave myself over completely, gave her everything she wanted and supported her in that, without giving in to worshiping her, which is what she wants, but instead worshiped God in how He would treat someone, I could be more free from self and pain. That was the moment I began to really grow in humility.
It took an enemy to teach me about love and humility, not a friend.Instead of seeking to eliminate fear, try seeking to eliminate self, very hard....trust me. But if there is one prayer that I know that God will answer, it is "Lord, help me rid myself of self, help me grow in love for others." And, self-respect for ourselves will follow.
God does not want us to spend all of our time trying to rewire our thinking and change our hearts on our own. We can't really do that anyway, well, we can, but it takes a long time and a lot of dedication to......drum roll............ guess what......self!
So in AA we simply confess our selfishness our fearful inclinations and then we trust God to root out self for us as we turn our attentions to others and seeking ways that we can help others.
I have not been emotionally available on this board lately because of the pain I have been in as well as I am trying to just be gentle to me. There is not a lot that I can give right now anyway. And, sometimes that is just OK.
My focus has been on simple things I enjoy, music, books, warm cups of tea, facials, walks on the beach, etc. because I know that is exactly what God wants, for me to be happy and enjoy.
Lise
