Transition

[Gaining Strength]

Transitioning from what I have always been to what I am aiming for.  i have always lived in shame and expected to be rejected within the bounds.*  I am transitioning into expecting good things - to be included, to be liked, to have a nice home, to have a lucrative job/business. 

I am beginning by expecting good things to happen, expecting good things to come of even unpleasant times, of expecting the dark days (years) of my life to be made whole.

I am surprised at how difficult it is to move up in energy levels - to move from energy draining anxiety to energy enhancing joy. 

I am tired but it is strange because this work that I am doing is much easier than the work I have been doing in overcomig the state of toxic shame and yet it is not EASY. 

I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm lonely but my job right now it to keep my eyes towards tomorrow - 24 hours ahead, a week ahead, a month....  The more I change my thoughts the better I get, the more hope I have.

I understand so much now that I had not understood for so long.  If I had understood it when I was a teenager or in my 20s my life would be very, very different.  I wish that I had understood.  I have hope now but I don't understand how much I can still achieve.  But it doesn't matter now.  The key is to hit ground level.  I am close.  It is like starting life over again.  If I can make it work I will be incredibly thankful.

[Iphi]

Tremendous GS!  I am so on board with you and have come from the same place and am cheering you on!

Along with all the good things I look forward to exploring and cultivating, I also want to share with you a couple from my list - interpersonal, reciprocal respect and appreciation.  Wonderful new experiences.

[lighter]

Yup yup yup.... counting blessings and being thankful.

To starting over.

Light

[Gaining Strength]

interpersonal, reciprocal respect and appreciation.Wow.  Say more!

counting blessings and being thankful. So surprised it isn't a wonderfully easy transition.  Wonder why.

[Gaining Strength]

I know how I got where I am in this dark and lonely and poor place.  For years I had no idea how I had gotten here.  Now I know.

I come here as a way to connect to other humans, for a place to belong.  I feel I belong here.  I now need a 3D group to belong to.  I am holding a vision of belonging in 3D. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for that to happen.

My last big issue - the issue that took me to my therapist 12 or 15 years ago, the issue that became my issue when I left my parents home so many years ago - Money.  Soon I must begin to address that issue here. 

[Iphi]

Say more?  Uhh    Well I just came to see it was really what was missing in a whole set of my relationships, both personal and business.  Partly this was from repeating relationship patterns from my FOO.  I was blind to seeking out better quality, just defaulting to the familiar and going along in the rut.

At work I expected to work like a dog and never be rewarded, other than being granted the privilege of getting up and doing it again tomorrow - keeping my job.  In retrospect, I can see that if only I was free and knew more about what good things are out there - I never would have settled for that.  Since then I have worked with people I admire and respect and I try to find things to admire and respect in the people I work with.  I'm not so sure it is reciprocal at work, lol, but it is a goal.  Now it is a clear goal of mine - interpersonal respect and appreciation in work.  

In friendships, the same.  I have in past worried more if I am doing enough to be accepted by others.  This left things so imbalanced and my own agency was unexplored - it reminds me of when I was in credit card debt - always paying the minimum balance to the friendship, never out of the hole - always owing.  Does that make sense?  It seemed to me I needed a whole different way to think about relationships.  I would take less closeness if the distance was full of respect and appreciation.  I want to listen and be listened to.  I no longer want to tolerate someone bossing me without even knowing my situation or taking time to learn.  And when I put myself out specially for a friend, I will pay attention to whether they notice and appreciate that, because I've had many friends who were natural, thoughtless takers, as I was a thoughtless, reflexive giver - didn't even know that giving is a choice.

Uhh - how was that?  

[axa]

GS,

I am so pleased to read your posts.  I am moving along the road with you.  Life is still a struggle a lot of the time for me but there are some parts which are just so good.  I love what I am doing.  I have made some lovely new friends in my new city.  I am alone but have a fine level of contentment much of the time.

xxx

axa

[lighter]

I don't want to go OT but it's so nice to hear you're happy and enjoying your life, Axa: )