I feel confused, sad, cheated, dazed and extremely vulnerable.. and have in a way some 'noises' in my head have gone quiet.. I hear silence sometimes now. I feel as if I am listening now
I 'listened' to the views posts below about the women who protects her husband who abused her own child.. to the counsellor who made me realise that I feel overwhelmed by the events in my life.. I read about the psychology of victims protecting their abusers etc etc
I still do have secrets despite putting on a brave face and trying telling it 'all ' to you. Why am I hiding others ? I will try and put that feeling away from me.. let the earth swallow me alive if I am wrong.. but no harm I will post these
mother : she is the most self serving, dazed creature in the whole world I have ever seen. I blame her for seriously neglecting me emotionally, physically and for sexually touching me inappropriately despite knowing what she was doing. Her neglect of me particularly is so inhuman I feel deepy deeply BETRAYED and as if I have been stabbed in the back while I was sleeping even in my own home
father : for being the greatest coward in the world and putting on an air of 'authority and command'. For considering abuse as love and try propogating even others to provide me that 'love'. For using me to give him that much needed supply.. for being a codependant at the same time too and very very seriously IGNORING my boundaries.. it is almost like ignoring my entire presence..he just needed my body to project his frightened self into. I also hate you for abusing my mom.. or is it the other way ? they are the pefect couple in a way. I have a deep sence of resentment for him and feel so ashamed that I have on occasions projected what you gave onto others
my 'saviour' : the professor/ priest who insisted that I call him 'Father' as he took it upon himself to 'cure' me. You are trapped in your intellect and have sent me into orbit myself. You lead me to believe that I was neglecting my father ? You empathised more with his sufferings that mine ?
Get your head checked. You burdened me with severe guilt about even trying to speak up to my father. For conning me into 'therapy'. Using it as a cheap means to feel superiour about yourself. You are a simply power monger with unhealthy emotioal and psychological balance. You have dumped me with so much of negativity, prejudices, toxic guilt, shame, fake arrofgance, falsse ego you almost make my dad feel better. Also I think you would be hurting many other student now. You are simply sick and I know you are suffering
my second counsellor : You never wanted to touch me even with a barge pole. Why the false tears ? I am sorry I wasted your prescious therapy time. You left me feel more neglected and defeated. You never let me be me. You perhaps had your own issues and values but sorry you left me feeling more confused and sending me into more introvrted spirals.
relatives : I hate and feel sad for your ignorance. You make me feel helpless. You are all self serving and are only re emphasisinng that social norms are fmily protocol are more important than being spontanious and present.
culture : religion, patriotism, or whatever name they come. These are real pillars for me. Prison walls in my case and I was the one who was inside. I feel a victim of social norms and cultural pressures 'keep it within the family' attitude etc
I from now on will try my hard not to foster and hide such people based on merit in my head.. I really need to unload them all. I do realise that I do still go very much into spiral and not always feel what I think.. but I will cultivate a habit of putting everything down in words. There is nothing wrong in refusing to accept you all . I am not responsible for all of you.. you can be responsible for yourself. Thanks
Spirit
