Confused~~~~~~~~~~~~I apologize

[Izzy_*now*]

At this point I can admit that I feel 'ganged up upon'

I can think of only 3 posters who have not taken part in disparaging me.

I can think of a few, whose posts are 'unreadable'..... meaning I feel they are sitting on the fence and don't want to say what they really feel. That is cowardice!

Then there are the ones who don't understand/know  me at all. That is lack of interest or maturity.

Then there are some who are so 'grounded' in their own misery that they hate me. That is envy.

I posted (before) about an incident involving my siblings. I was a bed wetter and had to sleep with my mother. My 3 sisters shared a big bedroom and my brother, the youngest, who would be 6, slept with my dad....and no he is not gay.  I was about 10 at the time. I was changing my clothes in my bedroom, door shut--on the farm, the house was old and doors didn't close as they do now--but it warped open at the top.

I heard a noise and a giggle outside the door and later that day I was called 'Baldy' by all 4 of my siblings. I had no pubic hair at the time and had no idea what the nickname was meaning. It was so hurtful from my little brother and my younger sister.

I mentioned the incident to them when they came to see me last summer and neither one had recollection of this. They were instructed by one of the 2 older sisters, and the one I suspect is the one that I suspect is an N.

They also 'ganged up on me' because I had brown hair and they were all red-heads. There was a song out one year back then ...let's see.. ummm...1947-50 "Everybody Loves Redhead" It was constantly on the radio and the 4 of them, joined hands after making a circle with me in the middle and sang the song while skipping around in a circle and wouldn't let me out.

My eldest sister told me I was adopted.

Those are things from childhood, that have no meaning to me now, but I  never went to my mother about the teasing and taunting. These are long ago incidents, but the ganging up  here rang one Hell of an Ugly Bell.

This can be such a pleasant home for the voiceless ones to regain a voice, but that voice, as well as my own, ought to be helpful and not hurtful.

My sincere apologies to you, Ami.

My sincere apologies to you, Gabben

My sincere apologies to you, Leah

My sincere apologies to you, tt

My sincere apologies to you, Beth

My sincere apologies to you, Gaining Strength

My sincere apologies to you,  Dr. Grossman, for whatever part I played in the  upset on your Board

My sincere apologies to  anyone I have forgotten

Izzy

[Certain Hope]

I can think of a few, whose posts are 'unreadable'..... meaning I feel they are sitting on the fence and don't want to say what they really feel. That is cowardice!

Izzy

Izzy,

I disagree.

Just because someone doesn't say what they really feel doesn't mean he's sitting on the fence.

In addition, I'd say that sometimes it takes more courage to hold one's tongue.

Carolyn

[Izzy_*now*]

My sincere apologies to you,, Certain Hope
when I say that those who are not honest are cowards.

[Gabben]

Love you Izzy....I knew that pain was surfacing for you and it was being channeled in the wrong direction, towards Ami....please accept hug from me to you (((((IZZY)))))

A couple of years ago, before I got really in touch with the deep deep layers of victim anger, I read a news paper article about a young ivy league college student who committed suicide. Her father refused to accept the police's foundations for her death. It eventually became apparent to me, and many others following the case, that the woman had indeed killed herself and it was in no doubt a form a revenge on her narcissistic, domineering and uncaring father, his true colors really began to show as the investigation carried on.

The story evoked rage in me...I hated the father....I wanted to lash out at him and make him understand that he killed his daughter and that he should feel miserable.

Looking back now I realize that I was all wrong; the story became for me a channel to get in touch with my anger towards my own parents and victimization.

Sure, the daughters father was coldblooded and drove her a bit, but she had every chance to seek help. She had every choice to try to overcome her situation. She was not trapped. She was well cared for materially, she had degrees and accolades up the yin yang...not that all that matters because it obviously did not matter to her, but she had a choice, she had resources...that is my point.

This story in no way is reflective of Ami's situation....they are completely separate scenarios....my point is that I can relate to your pain and the lashing out. I have been there.

Also, I think that was also what Kim was trying to say too.

((((((Izzy)))))

here for you if needed.

Lise

[Certain Hope]

Well, thanks, Izzy... but you haven't offended me, as far as I'm concerned. Just wanted to express one point on which I strongly disagreed, because it's important to me to validate my own decisions not to spew all over the board about every feeling which crosses my heart.

Carolyn

[ann3]

Dear Izzy,

I, for one, am so happy to see you post this.  I apologize to you for making you feel that I was part of a gang that ganged up on you.  I know what that feels like, it's terrible.  It was not my intention to gang upon you.  My intention was to voice my feelings.

I think you said words which were intentionally hurtful and that felt triggering to me.  I say this not because I want to revisit the incident, but because I want to explain my reactions, actions and feelings.  As far as my involvement, I am more than happy to put it behind us.  I hope feel similarly.

I know you have had a hard life and I want to acknowledge that.  I am sorry for all that you have suffered, including the accident and it's aftermath, the loss of your baby brother, your cruel siblings, your daughter's father and your relationship with your D and grandchildren.

ann

[lighter]

::clapping::

Well done, Izz.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

Ah, lighter

I love ya!!

Thank you for the applause!!

I just had to chuckle. You are one in a  million!!

Love
Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

Aw. Ann

I think you said words which were intentionally hurtful and that felt triggering to me.  I say this not because I want to revisit the incident, but because I want to explain my reactions, actions and feelings.  As far as my involvement, I am more than happy to put it behind us.  I hope feel similarly.

IN Bold ...............I just didn't need, at this time but you are using your voice...keep it up.

[lighter]

It's interesting to see you navigate the board with a wider scope of understanding.

Your horizons are broader..... more enlightened and, if one really pays attention.....

it's easy to spot.

Lighter

ps... I have to apologize myself for my earlier feable attempt at an explanation (you asked for.)

The truth is..... you have every right to express your opinion. 

Of course you do.

SOmetimes..... the punishment/backlash/reaction to one's valid view.....

isn't worth the effort to form the words.

Of course, having been voiceless the majority of one's life..... it's about more than saving one's energy.

It's about taking one's place as a human being and accepting that we have a right to speak.

It means more than it should to some.... and less than it should to others?

Not sure but.....

the journey continues: )

[Izzy_*now*]

Mucho thankio, lighterooooooooooo!

Dinner is almost ready, Pacific time 6:04. I think I must be the only one on the West Coast. Had I not met up with the N I wouldn't be here, but back in your time zone, totally ignorant of N-ism and the kind of abuse my daughter endured.

Love your post and sometimes a repetition in life can allow us to make us take a more solid stance with the given triggers.

Note the pic and I will send you a PM

Love
Izzy

[teartracks]

Hi Iz,

I can think of a few, whose posts are 'unreadable'..... meaning I feel they are sitting on the fence and don't want to say what they really feel. That is cowardice!

I'm happy to say that I have no splinters in my arse!  I like you!

No apology was necessary, but I accept your good intent.

tt

[lighter]

Is that Streep, lol?!?!?

Yup..... that's kind'a similar, Izz, lol.

Just not so tall.

Light

[gratitude28]

Izzy,
I am so dense... not sure why you are apologizing to me. Are you upset with me???? I love you warts and all. I would never pick on you. I am learning to love my warts, and it helps me to see other people are accepting their sick childhoods as well. I am grateful I never was treated as you were. I think it took great courage to apologize. I never had an apology as a kid, but I have learned well enough to make them, especially with my children! I don't mine being infallible.
Love, Beth

[towrite]

Iz, I can completely identify with your childhood shaming. You reminded me of an incident when I was in 3-4 grade: my mother made beautiful clothes for me and frequently embroidered the dresses. One day I wore one to school, on which she had embroidered "It's nice to say Hello" on the skirt. I got surrounded by a group of older girls who pinned me against a tree, joined hands and danced around me in a circle, taunting me with the slogan on my skirt. I was so emotionally frozen at that age; I knew it hurt but had no idea how to express the hurt. I never cried - couldn't. Did you cry when your sisters and brother did that? I suspect they were jealous of your sleeping with your M. Of course they didn't remember the incident years later! They obviously are not as sensitive as you.

Kate