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Adult Siblings Who Were Raised in Narcissitic Families

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Ishana:
Jenocidal,

It is very sad what has happened in your family.  Even though your brother received the brunt of the sexual abuse you were abused also.  Just having the knowledge of what might have existed between them...there is definitely boundary issues there...is unhealthy for you.

You need to focus on your own healing.  That way, if and when your brother reaches out to you, you will be strong and ready to give him the information, support and guidance he will need.  

Good luck and keep posting!

Ishana

Ishana:
Bunny,

Thanks for the IMO definition.

And I apologize.  I think I got your post and Dawnings confused in my pea-brain.  My deepest apology.

I appreciate your responsiveness, Bunny!  I look forward to your posts!

Ishana

Ishana:
Moonflower,

I appreciate you sharing about your life.  I could relate to much of what you said and mostly how your NMom sabotages your sibling relationships.  

I remember noticing this right away when my father remarried my N Stepmother.  My mother, who had passed away, was not like that AT ALL.  As a matter of fact, she did a lot to encourage and support our love and care of each other.  I miss her still.   :cry:

My stepmother did everything...and still will if we let her...to cause problems and discord between us.  

And I really, really relate with the silent treatment.  It is her speciality.   :evil:

I don't have any contact with my father and stepmother either.  I agree, its worth it!   :)

Ishana

Moonflower:
.......

Moon:
Hi Ishana,

I am new to all of this this is the first time that I have responded to anything in this forum.   One thing that I want to mention that I don't know if anyone wants to hear is that many people who come from N house holds with one or more N parents will be have many N characteristics themselves. As N's make N's.  I included myself in this statement ( much to my own horror),and have recently discussed this with my sister who also has many N traits. My point regarding this I will make later.

The trouble I found in the past is that the damage that my N mother caused for myself and my sister was and still is to a lesser degree, so damaging that it is like going through a war zone.  It takes time to undo the damage that a destrauctive parent like that has done.  My mother frequently put my sister and I against each other.  Amongst many, many, many other abusive and hurtfull things.

I was the first one to pull away, in fact I had to for my own survival, my sister took longer ( it took a complete nervous breakdown for her with Electro Convulsive Therapy) to finally start to be able to break away from Mum.  I would find it very hurtfull when she would act out on me and defend our mother for the horrible acts that she was doing to both of us. As she just couldn't deal with reality.

 But in time she has healed(sort of).  In time I have healed(sort of). And with time and patience and understanding our realtionship has not only healed but she is my best friend I love her truely and deeply.  We understand the place that each other has come from where not many others do.  I will be 40 this year and my sister 36.  She started on her journey to healing when she was 27 I started on mine when I was about 22.  So it took some time and for us it is still going on but in a differnt way.  Now it covers what kind of parents we are to our children. What could we do better, how can we heal ourselves so that we can remove the last holds of our mother and be better parents.  

Getting back to my earlier statement. We have only just started to address the painfull issues of negative N tendancies within our selves and how it shapes and has shaped us. Something to consider that many or not be relevant to you. Is, your sister and you both prob have N patterns of behviour that are learned ( that is not to say at all that either of you are N's).  This type of behaviour doesn't leave alot of space for others to express or get over things in their own time as it is very me focused.

So keeping that in mind maybe you can slowly and evenly introduce her to your personal barriers ( in a calm way) and let her know that it is ok that she is hurting, cause you are too. Let her know that you are there for her but you wont put up with verbal abuse ( or whatever). But don't withdraw your love and affection. Keep plodding away try and see how it is for her.  Create a space where the two of you can argue but it's ok because you will still be there.  Eventually she will be encouraged to trust that she can express her self to you in ways that are positive, rather than N emotional blackmail. One of you needs to take the emotional initiative to be strong.

This is pretty much what I did with my sister.  IT WAS NOT EASY. But when I think of where we are now it was all worth it for both of us.  

I don't know if this will help at all. But I hope that it does.

We are now going to go to therapy together to sort out these other little issues ( does it ever end ha, ha).  At the end it is all about the heart, our hearts and how strong and true they were in connecting with others.

Moon

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