Whole family in denial

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,
I was wondering whether anyone out there has had experience with being the only member of the family who believes a parent is a N?  If anyone has spoken with the other parent/siblings who completely disagrees with your belief that a parent is an N, please share your experience.  

How does the family member who's figured it out...not get stamped more "dramatic or difficult" than they have already been deemed their entire life?  

I'm comfortable with the rest of my family not agreeing.  Personally, I never had great expectations that they would.  However, it's difficult not having someone within the family that is even slightly on the same page to comiserate with.

It's great to have a support group like this, but hard not to doubt your entire life when noone seems to feel the same as you.  Especially hard when your own family doesn't agree.

Others who have been friends of the family & my lifelong friends from early childhood were not in the slightest bit surprised when I told them I had made a discovery about mom and narcissism.  Most responses were..."I always knew somethng was up...now I've got confirmation."  

I cling on the the notion that my other immediate family member are jaded because they were living it as well.  However, they chose to have it affect them differently.  They fell in line and are staying there.  I tell myself that I was the only "free thinker" that spoke up...therefore I was most negatively impacted by her.  It's the only thing that keeps me sane...however I must admit I question myself all the time.

[bunny]

I was always the 'identified patient' in my family. Considered wierd, black sheep, etc. For no reason! I'm a total square. But I'm the only one in my family who has always seen a therapist. This makes me the 'crazy one.'

Guess what - I am the sanest one of the bunch.

I would not label my mother (to my sibs) with the word narcissist. Siblings wouldn't like it and I'd lose credibility as an extremist. I have described my M to them as "immature" and they agreed with that. Maybe if you tone down the description, you will find that your siblings on the same page with you.

If they remain in denial, that's a bummer, but you don't have to second guess yourself. You know if your parent is a narcissist, and don't need the siblings confirmation of it. They may choose to live in an alternate reality. That's sad for all concerned, but it doesn't make your perceptions wrong.


bunny

[Jenocidal]

My Narcissistic mother is self admittedly a Narcissist (she admits it with a smile on her face).  And all sides of my family have had such difficulty maintaining a "normal relationship" with her to the point that  NOT ONE member of all sides of her/our family have contact with her.  They are all not onspeaking terms.

~Jenocidal

[Anonymous]

Hi Guest,

The nature of the relationship with N’s usually leave one baffled and in doubt of the validity of our thoughts about them as it is, and I empathize with the difficulty added by your very own family members denying your reality.    

In my case, it was only myself contending with an N boyfriend.   I too received all of the wonderful validation from message boards, but didn’t have to contend with conflicting influences outside of that.

How does the family member who's figured it out...not get stamped more "dramatic or difficult" than they have already been deemed their entire life?

Unfortunately (because one would hope that sharing a revelation could be healing to all) I would say that there is no way, other than by not discussing it with family anymore at all for now.

You can always let them know that if they ever come to want to talk about it, they can always bring up the issue with you.

It can be frustrating, but sometimes others are not ready to look at things, and under the circumstances of their opposing views and willingness to label you negatively for calling up the subject, it seems it might make your life and healing, easier in one way.    Difficult in that you wouldn’t get validation from the co-people in that situation, but easier in your being more clear regarding what you had been living your entire childhood, and not continuing to question it to large extents.    Sometimes it is necessary to seek out our own specific validating sources.      

It also took me a long time to stop questioning whether I was right or not  regarding the N-traits of my x dating partner, with whom I never received validation regarding his behaviors from personally.   It was all validation from non related sources.

If I were in your situation, I would only discuss it with the supportive friends you have mentioned if appropriate, and a counselor if wanted, and/or discussion boards (offline support groups) like this.

At first you might (maybe not) find it very challenging to have this new discovery and not be able to keep voicing it around family in a convincing way.  

If you do so and keep getting the same negative reactions, you will know by the way that the family dynamics become, that it is time to let go of the issue with your family(if you are not going to be estranged from them), and to begin to just deal with it within your own self, and with other supportive people.

Best of luck.  

BT

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Guest,

The nature of the relationship with N’s usually leave one baffled and in doubt of the validity of our thoughts about them as it is, and I empathize with the difficulty added by your very own family members denying your reality.    

In my case, it was only myself contending with an N boyfriend.   I too received all of the wonderful validation from message boards, but didn’t have to contend with conflicting influences outside of that.

How does the family member who's figured it out...not get stamped more "dramatic or difficult" than they have already been deemed their entire life?

Unfortunately (because one would hope that sharing a revelation could be healing to all) I would say that there is no way, other than by not discussing it with family anymore at all for now.

You can always let them know that if they ever come to want to talk about it, they can always bring up the issue with you.

It can be frustrating, but sometimes others are not ready to look at things, and under the circumstances of their opposing views and willingness to label you negatively for calling up the subject, it seems it might make your life and healing, easier in one way.    Difficult in that you wouldn’t get validation from the co-people in that situation, but easier in your being more clear regarding what you had been living your entire childhood, and not continuing to question it to large extents.    Sometimes it is necessary to seek out our own specific validating sources.      

It also took me a long time to stop questioning whether I was right or not  regarding the N-traits of my x dating partner, with whom I never received validation regarding his behaviors from personally.   It was all validation from non related sources.

If I were in your situation, I would only discuss it with the supportive friends you have mentioned if appropriate, and a counselor if wanted, and/or discussion boards (offline support groups) like this.

At first you might (maybe not) find it very challenging to have this new discovery and not be able to keep voicing it around family in a convincing way.  

If you do so and keep getting the same negative reactions, you will know by the way that the family dynamics become, that it is time to let go of the issue with your family(if you are not going to be estranged from them), and to begin to just deal with it within your own self, and with other supportive people.

Best of luck.  

BT

[BlueTopaz]

Sorry about the repeat.   I thought I'd stopped the first one from going through (tried to stop because I forgot to add my name) but I can see that I didn't...