Emotional Divorce

[genuine]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a new member so I apologise if this has already been addressed. Has anyone ever emotionally divorced a NParent or NSibling? My partner and I no longer see our immediate families. Unfortunately our families are mirror images of each other. I know that I am blessed to have someone in my life who fully understands this dysfunction. It has come to a point where I am sad to say that I no longer care for them, its true. Does anyone feel this way? My NMother forced me to have an abortion at 19 years of age and has never given it a second thought, I used to see her shower affection on my 1 year old nephew and it would kill me inside. How can she dismiss what would have been her first Grandchild, I'll never know. Has anyone's Nparents ever played mind games like this? It's hard to get into this and I know my thoughts are scattered but I would love to hear your experiences.

Regards
genuine

[Onyx]

Hmmm......I know how you feel. I stopped speaking to my father for a number of reasons which over time, I couldn't resolve. We never had a good relationship so to speak and I won't go on about why. I tried to put them behind me, but I couldn't. In the the end, something relatively minor tipped the scales and I just switched off!

Even to this day, some twelve years later, I don't think that I've missed a moment of being without him...I just don't give it a moments thought....until I read your post ! Am I wrong....probably....and I happier for not being in touch....yes! As he's not in my conscious thoughts, I don't drag the past around with me today....so yes, I'm much happier.

If you can honestly feel the same way about cutting off from your parents, then both you and they will probably be happier. We pick our friends and not our families

The trick is in watching your own behaviour for signs of theirs inside you. At times I've had to catch myself before saying or doing something in anger to my children. We share the same genes in more ways than I care to mention.....so do you! So give yourself time to reflect in future when they try to break through via you. Don't be hard on yourself, you have been programmed   !

We develop from generation to generation, the past doesn't have to be in our future! If it was good, then allow it. If it was bad and causes you anguish....then don't allow it to affect tomorrow! Talk if it causes you to hurt, seek therapy if it continiously causes you to cry!

Onyx

[flower]

Hi genuine,

I can relate with a lot of what you are saying.


------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

------------------------------------------------------------

[leaf]

Hi Genuine,

I too am married to a non-n the support and understanding from him helps me a great deal.

He broke contact with his n- father three years ago and no longer thinks about him.

I am at the stage where I realise my parents have no real feelings for me and am trying to detach from them.

I do not have any feelings left for them and see more clearly their guilt trips, mind games and devaluation of me as a person.

They still ring me and want to see me purely for their own selfish reasons.

I feel stronger by the day but still need support in breaking away from them.

[Moonflower]

.....

[ch]

I am so glad that i have finally came to my good senses and divorced from my parents for the last time after realizing what a burden they have been to my psyche throughout my life of 37 years.  

looking back, i have been living with the preprogramming that my life was lived for them, to serve them, etc....  i also realized how many periods of silent treatments i had endured where either i do not speak to them, or see them at all.  and it was during such periods that i lived with some normalcy and peace. it was then that i was able to find my lost self.   in my late 20's     i gave it one  last chance for reconciliation and to be a family by moving back home as an adult. this was before i realized the N disorder.

Thanks to all these forums and support groups and resources for help, i feel better equipped and stronger than ever in my convictions to move on, without them.  once and for all.  i will no longer  have any regrets since N people can never really get better anyway, and only get worst as they age.

Thank you all for writing and sharing your stories.

My question is how do you handle the disapproving looks and people's negative reaction when you tell them that you are not in contact with your parents?  its so hard to get past this part without explaining the whole tragic life story of many generations of N.  What to do???

[Ellie]

Hi CH,
I can tell you in my experiences, the people that give dissapproving looks or negative reactions are usually controlling people themselves.

As I have progressed over the years from a distant relationship with my family to a non-relationship, I have noticed the kind of personalities that respond with different reactions. The people who are self-assured, respectful, considerate, etc. appear to accept my response of "we have no relationship" and say things like "I'm sure you have a very good reason for your distance from your family and I will not pry".

But those who like to tell others how to live their lives are the ones that attempt to snoop to find out why, how, who's responsible, and then judge me. I just stop saying things to those who come across in a controling fashion. Actually I may even say very mean things just to get their goat.

My H's brother's MIL is very controlling. At a Thanksgiving dinner last year with H's family, who is very normal, the MIL of my BIL asked about my parents, asking when I saw them last, how are they, how are we getting along - like it's any of her business. To keep things light, but express my disapproval of her asking I said "I don't talk to them, care about them, hell, I know nothing about them anymore and don't want to talk about it". Her expression was complete surprise. I guess she thought I should respect her more than to say a thing like that. She tried to pry and I just turned and started talking to my MIL, laughing and completely ignoring this busy-body. It felt good, I didn't get drawn into an uncomfortable conversation, refused to let her ruin my Thanksgiving by bringing up my family and felt good about it all.

It has taken years to get to this though. In the beginning of all of this, I easily got drawn into explaining everything and in the end, if the person prying was of an N personality, they ended up making me feel as bad as my own family. You eventually learn to pick them out quickly and shut them down before they can get to you. The world is full of controlling people.

[genuine]

Hi Everyone,

I am so angry inside and I'm worried that my heart is just going to
give up one day because of all this stress. I feel like I'm heading
for a nervous breakdown.

My partner's father is in hosptial after undergoing an operation for
bowel cancer. Now, my partner and I of course would like for him to
get better but made a pact not to see our Toxic Parents ever again.

This decision is purely for our mental wellbeing, it had to be made.
When his father got sick I told my man I would support him either
way, whether he wanted to go see him or not. He chose not to and I
have to respect that.

I don't blame him, because I don't think I would even see my Parents
if they were sick. Anyway his mother rang up and left us an abusive
message on our answering machine. Then today MY mother rings up about
the same shit.

Can you believe she had the nerve to try tell my partner to go see
his father in hospital after threatening to kill him, some months
ago? she even tried to make ME feel bad, like I should drag a 34 year
old by the ear to hospital like he is a kid.

Then finally my mother says 'do the right thing' DO THE RIGHT THING?
This is sweet coming from someone who sent her daughter off to the
abortion clinic at 19. She did the right thing for me didn't she? she
did the right thing for HERSELF.

I am sick of our families bothering us. Neither side has given a shit
about us. I wish we could just move state. I am sick and tired of
feeling the way I do everyday.

Do you know what its like to be unemployed for 8 years due to an
anxiety disorder and know you have $10,000 that you earnt years ago,
that your family ripped off? They let my oldest brother invest it.

I am so angry, I wish they would just leave us alone.

genuine

[genuine]

Dear Onyx,

Yeah thats where I am at now, I have switched off. I have disassociated from any previous loyalty and believe me I was a fervent supporter for them before. I applaud you for doing the same.

Like yourself I have to catch myself because I have been ingrained with their narcissistic ways, mind you I like to think I was never like them. I am deprogramming now as if I have just got out of a cult.

Thanks for your kind words

genuine

[genuine]

Dear flower,

I couldn't have put it better, yes when your family 'betrays' you there is no really turning back is there? especially if like mine they are in denial about everything, that they actually did anything to you. Thats when the relationship can never be resolved. It's like talking to a brick wall otherwise.

I just read your post, I think our mothers must be long lost sisters. Mine also gave me cast offs and always had a problem when I bought something new with my own money. She even would freak if I bought a coffee or spring water.

Thanks for validating that my situation was indeed emotionally charged. Its so nice to recieve that acknowledgement, that someone understands my pain.

genuine

[genuine]

Dear leaf,

I am where you are at right now. Maybe if you happen to be on messenger we could support each other? That goes for anybody else as well.

msn - mc_rubycharlie@hotmail.com
yahoo - malia26au
aol - genuinefreebies

All the Best
genuine

[genuine]

Dear Moonflower,

I understand what your saying. I find it amazing when Nparents use their health to manipulate you even further. My mum had a breast cancer scare recently and she was using my sister-in-law to ring me up so I would go running to her...I know full well that she is a hypochondriac and its normal for someone to get retested, it doesn't mean they have cancer. Its precautionary and to be honest even if she had it I don't think I would have gone to see her anyway.

Thanks for your support

God Bless
genuine

[genuine]

My question is how do you handle the disapproving looks and people's negative reaction when you tell them that you are not in contact with your parents?  its so hard to get past this part without explaining the whole tragic life story of many generations of N.  What to do???

Dear ch

First of all Congratulations I wish I had done it sooner too. In handling people's reactions, I am sensitive with those who are biased. For example there is no point trying to explain your situation to a person who was raised in a totally happy positive environment. They won't understand. Thats been my experience anyway. I personally don't discuss it now..except with a select few who have been there..such as you guys.

genuine

[flower]

Hi genuine,

I wish that your mom and your partner's mom would leave you alone!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------

Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

------------------------------------------------------------

[bunny]

My partner's father is in hosptial after undergoing an operation for
bowel cancer. Now, my partner and I of course would like for him to
get better but made a pact not to see our Toxic Parents ever again.

This decision is purely for our mental wellbeing, it had to be made.
When his father got sick I told my man I would support him either
way, whether he wanted to go see him or not. He chose not to and I
have to respect that.

That is lovely that you support him no matter what his decision is. Very respectful. Sounds like you have a nice relationship. I think if parents were severely abusive, they have lost the privileges that non-abusive people receive in old age and sickness. End of story. So if they receive any kindness from their adult children, they're extremely fortunate and don't deserve it. I know they don't understand this concept but they don't have to. They don't understand that abuse might beget resentment and ambivalence. They think that abuse begets more compliance. But it may not. So they must live with the consequences of their actions. There's no law saying they have to agree to it.

genuine, what your mother did reminds me of a war criminal. She should be tried at Nuremburg. Since that option isn't available, I hope there is some way to console yourself for your great loss. I once read, years ago, in a somewhat "pagan" newsletter (and I'm not Pagan) that unborn babies have "baby-being" spirits who decide whether to be born this particular time or not. Sometimes they change their mind about being born and there is an abortion or miscarriage. Yes, I know the idea is ludicrous but I found some comfort in it, although I've never even been pregnant. I thought some baby-beings might be hovering around me, making a decision...anyway, perhaps your baby is still waiting to be born or was born somewhere else nice.

bunny