Think I got it really wrong...

[spyralle]

OK so I sold my house, quit my job and then I looked around and still felt uneasy.  I need your help to look at something I really don't want to see.  You know I was talking about the younger man.  We've been together 6 months.  He is a newly qualified teacher 7 1/2 years my junior and I think I did it again.  WE moved in together after four weeks.  We have been happy ever since cept I'm sitting here today with my whole world crumbling because challenging my boss made me start to look at other stuff.

See his brother is getting married in Sri Lanka in August and he doesn't want me to go with him.  I mean he never came out and said that but never asked me to go either.  He didn't have the money to go though so I said I would pay for it on my credit card and he could pay me back monthly.  I felt for him.  Who would want to miss their brothers wedding.  (Well I did but that's not the point!!).  Last week we went to see his family.  They were lovely but I noticed that he never touched me at all while we were there.  I paid for the petrol also it's about a 700 mile round trip..  His mum and his sister were asking me if I was going to the wedding I said that I didn't think he wanted me t go.  They asked him.  He left the room...  I was so humiliated...  I kept it bottled in this week cos all he work stuff was going on but yesterday I asked him about it..  he got very defensive but I pushed him and he said.  Yes I was right he didn't want to take me to the wedding.  Since then I have been thrown into total disarray.  later that day I was going out to get my grandson.  He said.. I don't like that top..  I went to get another one as I was ironing it he said..  I like the other top now as I don't like that one.. 

I guess I don't need to say any more do I...  It's over isn't it?

Spyralle x (feeling like she's had her insides sucked out all over again)

[Juno]

Sorry to hear this, Spy.  The red flags are definitely there.  Wish I could offer more comfort.  You have a big heart.  It's a shame he seems unable to give back as much as he receives.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you.

Juno

[Izzy_*now*]

Aww spryralle

I am so sorry.

How long was it since your last relationship?

I fear for anyone who jumps into ½ commitments too early and falls for the as*hole of the week.

Yes, many red flags.

I guess I don't need to say any more do I...  It's over !! isn't it, ?

Feel better soon
xx
Izzy

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry, Spy.

I had to do it over and over and over and over again, before I realized that my fusion fantasies were about fusion, not healthy reciprocal love.

I feel for you, heart-feeling. I know you won't be anywhere near as slow, but I'm in my 50s and I've finally, imperfectly gotten it.

love,
Hops

[Sela]

Also sorry you are experiencing this, Spy.

Did he say why he didn't want you to go to the wedding?

I hate to say this but I keep wondering if it all comes down to dollars and cents?   Is it possible you're not worth as much to him without a job? (even worse....were you--in his head-- his sugar mamma??).

One thing.......you don't have to do anything drastic at this moment, right?  Maybe you can take your time, make plans, get yourself into a more secure mode (both financially and emotionally) and then decide what to do next?

Sometimes I wish people were see through .......so one could tell what's really going on indside.

Silly thought, I know.

(((((((((((((Spy))))))))))))

Sela

[Gaining Strength]

I am writing this without reading any of the replies.  As I read your post, I felt my heart sink with every sentence.  I so want something wonderful to lift you up after that incredible experience with that N boss.  When I got to the end and read this, "I guess I don't need to say any more do I..." I expected my heart to sink even further but what I got was an immediate lift.

Oh yes - it is sad that this is the end but suddenly I saw the other perspective.   This is not the end of a job well done nor is it the end of a nice, new relationship, rather this is the beginning of the Spyralle you have been on your way to becoming.  Yes, it is an enormous amount of significant change - but not significant loss.  Suddenly you are the Spyralle who sees what is good and right and wonderful and you see in a fabulous way was is wrong and bad and not good enough.  That vision that leads you to write, "I guess I don't need to say any more do I..." is the new Spyralle.  That vision sees in your life the closing of the doors on the person you have worked so hard to let go of.  I know it is painful but heavens know Spyralle you had to let go of these "wrong" job and relationship in order to be ready to accept the right ones.  They are coming because the new Spyralle is here to receive them.

So what felt heavy at first became light and joyful very quickly.  You will see.  Do you believe?

[Ami]

Dear Spy
 I am going to disagree with many posts.  I don't think it is over just b/c he acts like a jerk.
 We ALL do.
 We all show our asses in close relationships. We all have pain from our FOO(family of origin) that makes us act like petulant children.
 We all act poorly and have our partners act poorly to us. I wish you had a really wise person to help you and him to see what is UNDER the interactions. I bet he is replaying HIS FOO stuff and you are, too.
 If you could get to the deeper needs and fears of both of you, you could get closer . That is how I see it, Spy.     Love  Ami


(((((((((((Spy))))))))


PS Maybe, he is not relatiionship material ,but from those interactions , alone, I would not draw that "absolute" conclusion. I agree with Bean.

[Hopalong]

Spy, this may seem silly but to me it is very serious:

"I don't like that top."

(Spy goes to change it.} RED FLAG. (Why are you going to iron another top? What does this man have to do with what you wear on your body? Letting a man have any sort of controlling authority over what you wear is letting him treat you as an object. Absolutely enormous bright red banner. And I know you know this. Because of your beauty, you have lived through this with men who objectify you before. And you're ready to NOT do it again.)

Funny how I can preach to other women what's healthy and be confused about it for myself. But that's a different thread.

I just want you out of this. Quickly and surgically with your self-esteem intact. (Think. Taking it back quickly and decisively is worth all the money lost and time spent. It's a GOOD thing that you are seeing that.)

I think you are telling yourself the truth that it's over, and you should listen to and trust yourself.

love,
Hops

[Leah]

(((( Spyralle ))))

The RED FLAGS and usual ending of the "honeymoon period" cycle etc., ties in with what you have shared. 

My feeling is that you may have been swept off your feet for a purpose, sorry, but that is my discernment.

I sincerely hope that you walk with your words of knowledge and truth in  "It's Over Isn't It?"

I am genuinely sorry for your pain, but in reality I do feel that it may be better for you to have only suffered for a short time of 4weeks to 6months -- than a future lifetime of ????

Love to you,

Leah


PS >   The "I don't like that top" (and switch)  is a classic "gaslighting" of your self-esteem -- and believe me, it is only the beginning, and timely too, given the added significance of your recent job resignation!

[debkor]

Hey Spy,

I have had my D say Ma, I like that other shirt with those jeans without me asking and I valued her opinion and changed or sometimes not changed depended on if I agreed.

I'm the type that I wear what I want.  I'm not dressing for anyone else but myself.  If I like it I wear it and to everyone else, Too Bad.


Was he being controlling Spy when he talked about your shirt?  Or just being an outspoken Jerk.  I do agree with Amy that they can be jerks and that is not enough to kick to the curb. Or is everything coming together, a puzzle, is starting to find it's places? 

I don't like what he is doing with the wedding that is B.S. and the BIGGEST RED FLAG of all.  My feeling would be hurt also.  It is not ok to brush this under the rug.  That is unacceptable.  You live with him.  Your are sharing your life with him and he is seperating your life with here and then there he has his own. Oh big NO NO Spy.  I don't mean you have to go everwhere together but this is a big Red Flag.  What is he reason?  Being a jerk here just don't cut it.  Sounds like an Agenda to me.  Emotionaly shelfish which is no less then abuse.  He is hurting you and well aware of it.  He would have to have a really good excuse why he didn't want me there, like at 2:15 there was going to be an earth quake and he didn't want me in danger after I confirmed it with News and evacuations were in progress. 

Hon, your giving him to much control over you.  You have got to set boundaries and enforce them.

There a lot of changes for you right now and I can understand the disarray.  It's a lot to take in at one time. 

I am sorry Spy I know it hurts. Ouch! 

Don't you settle for any less then you deserve and I think you are feeling you deserve better.  I agree with you. 

You need to sit him down and tell him this is the way it goes what is and is not acceptable.  Read him Spy, his words, his body actions and his responses.  If there is one thing that Laura (really me) has taught me, it is, if you listen carefully they will always tell on themselves and it is the truth. 

You'll have your answer and I think you already have from what you write.
 

I guess I don't need to say any more do I...  It's over isn't it?

It just well may be.  Your self protecting and that is a (very good thing)  with all the hurts and broken heart your heart will heal. 

Don't tie yourself up with someone who is emotionally unavailable. You deserve better. 

Love
Deb

[gratitude28]

Yes, Spyralle, it's over. Run, don't walk.

Love, Beth

[seasons]

When I read this I felt so sick to my stomache. I am so sorry (Spyralle).

This is just my gut feeling. I agree with Beth, Run, don't walk.

What ever you choose to day, be safe, take care of you. love seasons

[Ami]

I am going to get myself in much hot water , here,but I don't think the wedding thing is that big an issue. If I were living with s/one for that period of time and they wanted to go to a wedding my themselves, I would be fine with it. If *I* wanted to go to a family function by myself, I would hope he would be fine with it.
It is only the beginning of the relationship, not a long established relationship.
To me,it does not seem to be an indicator of larger issues. That is my feeling on it.         Ami

[Gaining Strength]

I don't think it is so much that he did not want Spyralle to go to the wedding it is the way that opportunity after opportunity when the subject came out he did not step up to the plate and say so.  he left Spyralle to figure it out.  That is without doubt a disfunctional way to communicate and that is what is dangerous and disconcerting for anyone but particularly for people who have reason to belong to Voicelessness.

[Iphi]

I like Izzy's edit with the big red exclamation points.  lol!  And I think Gaining Strength shares a wonderful perspective - this is a beginning of brilliant new vision and insight.

I think you are seeing the clear limitations of this relationship.  If you stay - it will be more of the same.  They are his limitations.  You are much much more than a prop in somebody else's drama and there is just no reason to impersonate such a prop when he won't even notice since to him you are a prop.

To me these are all big issues that he allows you to pay for things, that he did not properly support you when visiting his family when a question came up about the wedding, the whole wedding thing - for god's sakes you are paying for him to go.  Honestly, if I wanted to go to my sister's wedding and could not pay and my boyfriend offered to pay - I would not allow that.  And I especially would not allow him to pay but then not invite him.  So what does it say that he is okay with that, within himself?  Selfish!  Sees you as a prop and a means to his ends. 

It isn't that you have to hate him, but honestly, you have excellent qualities and you should be with people who appreciate those qualities in you and thank you for them and share their own excellent qualities with you.  When you are with those people you will experience satisfying reciprocity and gratitude.  He isn't there.  He also has lots and lots of growing to do, on his own time and at his own pace, before he can take part in such relationships.  Whether he is going to get on with that growing - is up to him and not something you could possibly ever do for him, especially if he isn't interested in growing. 

Those are my thoughts from learning things the hard, slow way.