Breakdown...

[James]

Darren.......Consciousness is a matter of health for me, both physical and emotional. As a child I had forced into the subconscious the feelings/memories of trauma and I slowly became unconscious in this way. i became a sleepwalker constantly being triggered by my past, thinking I had my eyes wide open. Bringing the subconscious back to my awareness is very healing by way of seeing the truth and I cease to be unconsciously triggered back into a reliving of early experiences which no longer exist, at least not as much. I have learned to read my signals to distinguish if I am in the child or adult state of awareness. Often when I am in child consciousness i feel overwhelmed and confused, I just can't make sense about what is going on and it appears so real, but it isn't I was just triggered by the suppression of early stuff without knowing it. The child's stuff will overlay current reality and make it feel perfectly real. The way out is to know your subconscious suppression and then you will find the insight which will allow you to distinguish the past from the present and much of the pain will leave and then you are free to change. Afterall, the pain of the past was banished to the unconscious b/c it was too painful to feel back then. It's presence now may make you feel unsafe until you know your truth. I hope this makes sense....James

[Hopalong]

Hi Darren,

I am sorry the black dog is after you.

I don't know if you can take a few hours a week to do something. But if you can, have you ever thought of being a regular volunteer for a therapeutic riding program? Or for a petting zoo? Or a wildlife rehabilitation center? Or for a training program for therapy or companion dogs? (Not a shelter where animals are forlorn and wind up euthanized.)

I think working with animals, just being in their nonjudgmental company, while feeling the things a human being feels while creating a meaningful life for an animal, could be very healing for you.

How does that scenario feel?

You could go just three times. And then decide.

Hops

[Gabben]

  Small talk seems so strange and foreign to

I get this too...I am not much of a small talker. I have an intense personality which is OK. When I am in pain I want someone to talk about to. Small talk can seem so unconsciously dismissive of my feelings.


Dear Darren,

Thanks for your openness, believe or not, it is inspiring and comforting to me, I relate. After reading parts of your story I find myself sensing that you are a good hearted person, caring. Caring people tend to be more sensitive, we think it is a curse, but really it is not. Big hearts are rare, when people who have big hearts spend time with people who have little ones it can be confusing and draining on us.

You described the emotional hang over that I know so well from my days of not knowing how to process my emotions, or not even knowing it was OK to have them, to have fear, to have feelings of sadness, or any strong emotion.

Here is  a link -- it may be helpful it may be not -- compost if you need.


http://www.lifechallenges.org/create/solomo2.html
Hugs,
Lise

[Ami]

I have experienced what James writes about . I feel hope for the first time in so long(decades). I KNOW  I will heal and it will be enough that I am "normal", which to me is centered and balanced, facing life and myself, as it is.
  Darren, I think you can heal this pain, totally and completely,if you take it from the unconscious to conscious awareness and then "out". The Jensen book tells you how , in practical ways. Also, the Alice Miller website is a shining light to the same end. I am so glad you shared , Darren. You can see that you are not alone or "weird".   Love   Ami

((((((Darren))))))))

[darren]

Darren.......Consciousness is a matter of health for me, both physical and emotional. As a child I had forced into the subconscious the feelings/memories of trauma and I slowly became unconscious in this way. i became a sleepwalker constantly being triggered by my past, thinking I had my eyes wide open. Bringing the subconscious back to my awareness is very healing by way of seeing the truth and I cease to be unconsciously triggered back into a reliving of early experiences which no longer exist, at least not as much. I have learned to read my signals to distinguish if I am in the child or adult state of awareness. Often when I am in child consciousness i feel overwhelmed and confused, I just can't make sense about what is going on and it appears so real, but it isn't I was just triggered by the suppression of early stuff without knowing it. The child's stuff will overlay current reality and make it feel perfectly real. The way out is to know your subconscious suppression and then you will find the insight which will allow you to distinguish the past from the present and much of the pain will leave and then you are free to change. Afterall, the pain of the past was banished to the unconscious b/c it was too painful to feel back then. It's presence now may make you feel unsafe until you know your truth. I hope this makes sense....James

Thanks for response James.  I think we might share a lot of the paths that it takes to heal.  I think that more often than not whats going on with me is that I'm responding to adult situations with al those defenses I developed in childhood.  What you're telling me is still very useful though, I just don't think I've gotten to a point where I can recognize my childhood wounds.  From my perspective its as though I have no feelings about my childhood.  I know they are there though, so I'll find them eventually.

Hi Darren,

I am sorry the black dog is after you.

I don't know if you can take a few hours a week to do something. But if you can, have you ever thought of being a regular volunteer for a therapeutic riding program? Or for a petting zoo? Or a wildlife rehabilitation center? Or for a training program for therapy or companion dogs? (Not a shelter where animals are forlorn and wind up euthanized.)

I think working with animals, just being in their nonjudgmental company, while feeling the things a human being feels while creating a meaningful life for an animal, could be very healing for you.

How does that scenario feel?

You could go just three times. And then decide.

Hops

Thanks Hopalong, thats a great idea.  I've heard volunteer work is helpful but I'm not sure I'm ready to get out into the world yet.  I love animals, and I'm much more comfortable being around them than people.  I like them much better =)  I think that after I remove some of these stressful things out of my life its something I should consider.  But maybe I'm doing things backwards, I've been told that before.

I get this too...I am not much of a small talker. I have an intense personality which is OK. When I am in pain I want someone to talk about to. Small talk can seem so unconsciously dismissive of my feelings.


Dear Darren,

Thanks for your openness, believe or not, it is inspiring and comforting to me, I relate. After reading parts of your story I find myself sensing that you are a good hearted person, caring. Caring people tend to be more sensitive, we think it is a curse, but really it is not. Big hearts are rare, when people who have big hearts spend time with people who have little ones it can be confusing and draining on us.

You described the emotional hang over that I know so well from my days of not knowing how to process my emotions, or not even knowing it was OK to have them, to have fear, to have feelings of sadness, or any strong emotion.

Here is  a link -- it may be helpful it may be not -- compost if you need.


http://www.lifechallenges.org/create/solomo2.html
Hugs,
Lise

Thanks for the compliments.  I don't know that I'm a caring and good hearted person.  I think I used to be just that, big hearted and over sensitive.  My last relationship zapped all that thouh, and I'm very low on empathy and caring at the moment.  I'd like to get back to that person though, even if I'd still need improvement.  I think my last relationship hurt me so badly that I know don't care to form attatchments because its a sure fire way to avoid feeling hurt like I did before.  I will check out the link and thanks for sharing it.  I get a lot out of all the information presented here.

I have experienced what James writes about . I feel hope for the first time in so long(decades). I KNOW  I will heal and it will be enough that I am "normal", which to me is centered and balanced, facing life and myself, as it is.
  Darren, I think you can heal this pain, totally and completely,if you take it from the unconscious to conscious awareness and then "out". The Jensen book tells you how , in practical ways. Also, the Alice Miller website is a shining light to the same end. I am so glad you shared , Darren. You can see that you are not alone or "weird".   Love   Ami

  ((((((Darren))))))))

I'll check them out Ami.  I will get better eventually.  I was at rock bottom so there's really no where else to go but up =)  I've got a lot of things out of my awareness that I need to get in touch with.

[Hopalong]

after I remove some of these stressful things out of my life its something I should consider.  But maybe I'm doing things backwards

Ja...I think spending time helping animals, maybe even especially some that are unfamiliar, or that really need help...would be a way of sustaining yourself, healing. Now.

And that will help you cope emotionally with the stressors that life is handing you (and will always, to one degree or another).

Why wait to feed your soul when it's hungry now?

I vote: ANIMALS for Darren. Once a week. Soon.

xo
Hops

[towrite]

Darren - you are so articulate. I am convinced your feelings aren't 'dead' (which is what I feel you are trying to say) - I hear clear evidence in your writing that you feel very deeply, otherwise I don't think you'd have been able to write this post.

My feelings, smiles, laughter, playfulness, all live in the little kid inside me. She was so sad and scared when we were actually 2-7 yrs old, that I've had to have conversations with her in which I promise to take care of her if she'll confide in me and tell me when she feels bad. The adult me has learned to treat her with respect and to take better care of us; as a result it seems she trusts me more and the feelings come out. She's coming out of a deep freez brought on by that terror and sadness, so it takes time. And I had to look very deeply to even find her in the first place - she was deeply hidden behind the numbness.

My wish for you is that you could find a quiet place and try to contact your little kid who, I'm sure, is very frightened and un-trusting at this moment. It can be scary to touch that place for the first time, so perhaps take a trusted guide with you.

One day at a time, Darren. Please take care.

towrite