How They Made It My Fault

[gratitude28]

I remembered something that shows just how I got to the point where I believed that ANYTHING bad in my life was my fault:

Growing up, I sneezed and coughed ALL the time. As I've told you, my parents house was tiny, full of animals (cats, dogs, birds, you name it - lots), dirty, full of smokme (both smoked about a pack a day.

When I was in middle school or early high school, my mother took me to an allergist to test me. The tests showed I was allergic to molds, feathers and cats hair, if I remember right. She was so triumphant in finding out it was my fault/my problem. She got me medicine, which helped minimally. After leaving the house, I was treated ike every time I sneezed while visiting, it was an insult to her.

How perverse is this??????? Blame the sickness you give to the child on the child.

Love, Beth

p.s. I also remember there was a doctor my mother ended up hating, and I am sure it was because he suggested making changes in my surroundings.

[sKePTiKal]

yeah, Beth, I hear ya... sick, ain't it?

Like I was supposed to just "get over" my concussion, brain issues, and rape...all by myself after she thought enough time had passed and I should just automatically be better, "because she said so".

But, now I'm wondering - my mom was crazy for cats, dogs... at one time she had 20 cats - at least thats how many were inside. And she is an amazing packrat - used to be only enough room to walk on a path through the junk... and I won't get into how filthy things were...she set up outdoor dog kennels inside to pen up the dogs, so they wouldn't get into her "stuff"...

I'm wondering if this is a common "symptom" among abusive parents... or at least, certain kinds.

[Hopalong]

oy Beth...

You made it out of that toxic nest...intact, lungs that work, and only ole Henry to make you sneeze.

Now if they only grasped that you've become allergic to hurtful selfish parents, that would be nice.

But you're not holding your breath on that.

love
Hops

[darren]

yeah, Beth, I hear ya... sick, ain't it?

Like I was supposed to just "get over" my concussion, brain issues, and rape...all by myself after she thought enough time had passed and I should just automatically be better, "because she said so".

But, now I'm wondering - my mom was crazy for cats, dogs... at one time she had 20 cats - at least thats how many were inside. And she is an amazing packrat - used to be only enough room to walk on a path through the junk... and I won't get into how filthy things were...she set up outdoor dog kennels inside to pen up the dogs, so they wouldn't get into her "stuff"...

I'm wondering if this is a common "symptom" among abusive parents... or at least, certain kinds.

I never really thought that this would be a common symptom among abusive parents, HOWEVER, my father just so happened to be a compulsive hoarder.  From what I've read it along the lines of an obsessive compulsive disorder, and people can hoard junk, trash, or even animals.  I knew a guy a while back who was diagnosed NPD and his mother hoarded cats.  My father hoarded junk and you could barely make it through the house.  I didn't know there was a name for it till I ran across it on a talk show one day. 

Apart from my fathers controlling behavior, the hoarding had some extreme effects on me too.  I couldn't have friends over to visit, and most often I always felt as if his hoard was more important than anyone else in the family.  Actually, I didn't just feel that way, it was.  There are support websites just for people who grew up this way such as Children of Hoarders http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/bindex.php and I think there is one for Children of Squaler but I don't remember where it is.  Its got some videos and I myself found them a bit triggering.  I suffer from "door bell dread" just like a lot of the people on those sites, where you get all panicky when people come to visit your house and people might found out about the family secret. 

I'm finding the hoarding issue had effects on me all of its own even seperate from the abusive behaviors. 

[debkor]

Beth,

There was this woman who had 3 cats and a child.  She was a single parent and loved her cats.  Her D developed allergies and the M was told to get rid of the cats.  She got rid of the D and sent her to live with the GMA which was upstairs but the D could only be in her M's house for moments and had to leave.  She was 13.

She was more proud of her cats then the D.  Her cats were pretty but you should see her face when you would say, that's a pretty cat, she would beam. 

Crazy.

Love
Deb

[sKePTiKal]

Yes, Darren, I connect with separate issues about this.

My hubby likes to "collect" things, and I find I'm the "mean old wife" who won't let him collect stacks of magazines, stuff we never, ever use... and I've even told him, I feel like that "stuff" is more important than me... and he'll talk to our animals while cleaning off the dining table: "I have to get this done puppy or Mommy will divorce me..."

He's kidding; I know it. BUT STILL.... to him, it's simply not important that it's in the way of normal functioning.... sigh. When I relent, it's because I realize there are much worse things.

[Leah]

Gosh, Deb

Unbelievable, yet the mother thinks that is okay!

My heart goes out to the 13 year old girl, with regard to the long term effect this will have in her life.

Love, Leah

[gratitude28]

Yes, all I really do wonder if the hoarding and all is related.

Deb, there was always enough money to get a new animal or take care of an old one, but spending money on me for anything was a hardship. I would have lost out to the animals too. My NM was infinitely more excited when I got Henry than when I had my children.

OMG, Darren, I never heard of 'door bell dread,' but BOY does that fit. Ugh... I was sooooo ashamed. I still wonder if they will be turned in some day.

Yes, Hops, no allergies in my house I do pinch my nose at Henry's BO on occasion, though

Amber, You sure had it all, poor thing. I am grateful I never had the physical abuse - I might not have been as strong as you had they piled that on top of it all.

Ugh... ((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))

[Gabben]

((Beth)),

For me it sounds like your parents were lazy. It is so much easier in life to blame others than to take responsibility, eh?

Lise

[gratitude28]

Lise,
I think that was a huge portion of it. I think it has also been a game of trying to prove that although they do selfish things, they are not responsible for the outcomes. But laziness was, and is, a main factor of their relationship with anyone. They don't want anything if there isn't something in it for them. So they mostly don't bother...
Love, Beth

[Juno]

I happen to think that laziness can be pathological.  It can be taken to an extreme and used as a way to control and manipulate others.  I learned that from my workplace situation.

It drives me bonkers there.  I can't imagine what that would do to your soul if you were raised in it.  Well, I can imagine on some level.  The same thing any of the different pathologies each of us was raised in did to us.  Here we are, curing ourselves of them.  Two, three, four, five decades later.

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((Juno))))))))))))))

It's always nice to hear from you. The whole laziness thing is an aspect I have not really considered fully. But I think you both are right. It takes energy and knowledge both to raise children, or do a job well. I need to think this over a bit longer - see if it fits.

Love, Beth

[Juno]

Well, perhaps the laziness is just another aspect of complete self-involvement?  And the self-involvement is the pathology?  Ha!  I can make anything complicated.  This thread started out with it being your fault.  Laziness is certainly a good way of off-loading responsibility--and therefore, fault.

It's just too damn bad our parents got such good little kids as us.  We were too nice.