How Do I Know If I Am Mad Or They Are?

[midnightrose]

I try to make sense of my life and acknowledge that I have made many mistakes.  My mother had mental illness my brother too.  I at ten years younger always thought I had escaped.  But I lived for many years with a disturbed husband and my eldest child is narcissist.  I have spent so much of my life treading around these people and trying to be happy in spite of them.  Trying to make things as normal as possible but when I get things sorted out one of them comes back into my life and starts playing games again. Lately I have lost a friend who was dear to me and she is now ignoring me.  I believe this is due to manipulation by eldest grown child.  I feel like there is a lot of game playing around me but no one owns up and actually says what is going on directly.  This leads to me doubting my own sanity.  I think this is the aim.  One friend said I was paranoid and I should take prozac.  I feel healthier than I have ever been mentally and physically but when no one else sees what is happening I start to lose faith in my judgement.  I would so love to sit down with everyone and have a honest conversation resolve the issues that I believe are at the root of all the trouble.  They will never do this and so I try to make sense of it all and it is tiring me out.  I have had to physically change myself from being one of those people who tell too much to a much more cautious one.It is hard.  I hadn't spoken to anyone apart from children all week  and then today had a good natter with two friends.  Just silly mundane stuff but felt so good to talk!!!!!!!  I realise I had been so lonely. I don't talk about personal stuff any more though I learned to keep that close.  Am I mad?

[seasons]

((midnightrose))

Am I mad?

NO! NO! NO!

I understand how frustrating it can be, looking around and wondering how your family and friends cannot see the truth.
I think it's easier for them not too, look away, deny, ignore you, your voice, your truths.

Keep reading, as you will see it is a vicious cycle, you can't win with any N, once you realize that your on your way. It is very painful discovery, but can be overcome with love and support.

Check out What Helps on this boards. It has been very helpful in my healing process. Knowledge is power.
I wish you love and peace. seasons

[lostkitten]

I think when a person questions their own sanity it is a good thing. It's the ones who know for sure that nothing is wrong with them that worry me. Just the fact that you can ask means that you may be okay and are open to help. I would think that you must be suffering some depression. And no wonder. It wouldn't hurt at all to talk to a doctor.

What you are going through right now takes a huge emotional toll on a person. It is very draining physically also. When someone worries both day and night about something like this it's going to make them ill.

I agree that it may be wise to be carefull what you tell your family and neighbors.

I'm sending prayers  (((((midnightrose)))))

[midnightrose]

I am getting counselling but have only had few sessions.  I had severe depression postnatal and know the signs but this is different.  I read a book about serial killers once and it said often they go unnoticed for years as people do not link the murders or crimes.  This is how my narcissists work.  They do not confront directly or rarely but mostly by spreading rumour or lies.  For years I did not truly see what the mechanism was.  Now I see and of course I feel paranoid to a degree as the whole premise of friendship and truth has been undermined.  My relationships with my other kids are great and life in general is ok.  I have come to terms with alot of stuff but this seems unresolvable with the narcissists and so it drains me. 
Still I say to myself each day is an adventure and look upon any strands of narcissism that I may encounter in the day as not real ....like a movie...and regard it as entertainment.  thanks for your prayers lost kitten.  I say the lords prayer as a comfort and it helps to disperse negative thoughts.

[lostkitten]

I am relieved to hear you are in counseling. You should probably talk to your doctor also. Some type of medication might help you feel calmer. You might consider something herbal like Valerian root tea at night or taking St John's wart. But talk to your doctor first.

I saw this on some website earlier today and thought I would share it with you:

"Long term exposure to an person suffering with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will have left you in an extreme state of mental distress. You may feel that your very sanity is open to question! This is believe it or not, very normal for a person who had been exposed to such a pattern of behaviour from a sufferer of NPD."

When you say the Lord's Prayer add a little prayer to just bless her and your relationship. Then try not to think about her. When she pops into your head just push her back out with a little prayer. It helps I promise if you just believe it will.

I'm not trying to push prayer upon you, I'm just telling what has helped me.

Hang in there and try to  , we can just take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. We are all just taking baby steps.

Sending blessings your way. (((((midnightrose)))))