That was an interesting statement, BT, in light of what happened. I was having huge anxiety attacks and my hands were breaking out with excema, something I suffered once before in my life, twenty years ago. I found myself laying awake all night, unable to sleep. Finally I got sick I am sure from exhaustion and anxiety. (I am concerned a bit as I was bitten seven times in three days by mosquitos. WNV?)
One day , I was out in the back lot, checking in one of our UHaul trucks. I just wanted to linger ,it was so peaceful, I could smell the pine, the dirt. I wanted so much to get into one of those trucks and just drive away.I finally faced that it just wasn't going to work for me.
I live next door to my mom, I rent from her. I've been hanging in here at the condo, for financial benefits to her, until next spring. My mom is alot of fun, and I have a pretty good relationship with her, but there are some major problems at the same time. She is more dependent on me than I think is good, and her fearful insecure nature is constantly trying to drag me into her fear-filled little world. It is suffocating at times. I am pretty strong in the face of it. Even when she drinks herself into a massive hateful rage; but that is not often.Still.
I finally realized that I just have to go. I have to get free. I think this job was the last straw.
I told my employer that I honestly didn't feel I was learning as fast as she needed me to, and it would take the whole next three months to learn it all. She was very kind about it, she said she noticed that I was having difficulty, and thought it was good that I could recognize this in myself.
So now I have to tell my mom, and I think she will be ok. She knows it has been hard for me here and that I want to be somewhere else.
I am very excited about this. I feel great. My next decision is do I put what I have in storage for now, and move it later when I am settled, or do I just sell it all and start over?
Hi everyone—a little about the week.
Thanks for telling about your job situation as well, Phoenix. I worded that statement like that because I went through the
exact same thing as you this week, and when I wrote it, I was thinking that though leaving might not be looked at as the best outcome by others (they might think we are upset or “it’s a shame”) it might very well feel like the best thing in the world for someone truly not wishing, or able to be there.
I also had very bad physiological symptoms. I felt almost
delusional by mid-week, and unable to think clearly. By the end of the week, I was not able to focus at all, in terms of retaining any training information. I was going insane at how the clock was moving so slow. I also felt I was becoming very depressed and lethargic, and the quick onset at such depth really surprised me. I was becoming an unfeeling(well, one constant-anxiety), detached, zombie…. and I was going to crack.
This whole way of being is not a normal happenstance for me at all. I can’t remember feeling so emotionally unstable like that in 15 years (since between ages 14 – 21 with anxiety disorder in bloom).
I have to wonder whether the whole thing might seem on the melodramatic side to some, but there really are people whos physiologies truly are not suited to certain environments. I won’t go all into “The highly Sensitive Person” trait thing again, but it was completely related for me. The job was the embodiment of anything I could imagine as a personal nightmare scenario.
I can’t do that type of job for even in the short term. Too bad, because it paid well. Though, what good is money when you are literally out of your mind.
Before this, I had been working in a completely different field for several years, which was really my heart’s work, and able to do it about 25-30 hrs./week. The organization folded, and it is difficult for me to work in the same field in English, as I did.
I live in a primarily French speaking area, and although I can get by with my daily things just fine, I would need to brush up in order to do the type of work I was doing (counseling), solely in French. So in the interim while studying French & looking for other scarce counseling work in Eng., I took on a completely dif. career, in the computer field.
Anyway, I had the same peaceful moments as you describe Phoenix, when we went for a break. I went for a walk several days and just wanted to keep walking so bad. Finally, on Friday, I did. I literally could not go back after lunch. I was really going to go berserk, I felt. I knew heart & soul, that I couldn’t stay another second.
I called the trainer that evening and said that I needed to withdraw because I would miss too much training, due to a personal emergency. My sanity! (little did he know). He said he understood, and wished me well.
There are certainly other kinds of things I can do that aren’t related to counseling in the meantime, it is just that this particular thing I tried is not one of them. I think I kind of sensed this intuitively before going in (and hence the anxious message posted here prior) but thought I should give it a try and find out factually.
So—that is my short-lived job adventure. I kind of feel a bit silly in telling about it and then it being so short-lived, but on the other hand, I’m just so relieved about letting it go to feel that way for long! It was just the right choice for me.
I’m glad the leaving worked out well with your employer too, Phoenix, but much more so, I am really excited for the learning and growth the experience it has brought you.
It is almost like the U-haul in the alley was a literal personal message to you!
It sounds like you mean that you will not wait until Spring, and instead make plans to go very soon.
It looks like you are about to embark on something very special, and I hope so much that the discussion goes well with your mother. I know you will be able to word things in the best way possible to help things go as smoothly as they can. As you mentioned, she already knows you’ve wanted to be somewhere else, so at least that part will not come as any surprise to her. I’m glad you feel so sure and positive about it- that will give you strength, too.
I am very excited for you, and it would be great to know how things are going along with the process, whenever/if you feel like posting about it.
It is a big step, and I really think you will grow so much from it.
BT
