Author Topic: fear  (Read 5183 times)

Anonymous

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fear
« Reply #15 on: August 20, 2004, 08:04:54 PM »
Somebody,
I am the guest who posted regarding and after Discounted.

To clarify, I am no longer living with that fear. That was 4 years ago. I have changed much since then about how I deal with Nparents. Nothing to fear from them anymore. I do not live in Alaska - I moved from the east coast to the west coast in the grand ole US of A. Hiring a lawyer at that time was financially impossible for my family as I was an at home mom and my Nparents knew that - exactly why they were threatening the way the were. Their intentions were to instill fear as much as they could to attempt to get their way. It did not work and I have servered ties with them from my angle. Nmom will still send cards, probably try to call, but she will not get a good reception from any of us. Our motto in regards to Nparents and grandparents: "Dead to us!".

The level of fear they can cause is not something one forgets in short time. It stays - not the fear but the memory of how it felt. It makes us stronger though, because we learn to cope yet again in a way that allows us to move on, but never forget, in case we need that fight or flight feeling again.

Discussing the thoughts that we may have flashbacks from our experiences is a good mode of therapy. Talking about our fears and concerns is good therapy. Being told harshly that we should not think the way we think is cruel, considering we are here to discuss things that bother us, make us feel better, milestones, setbacks, regression, etc. You said:
Quote
Why don't you try worrying about winning millions of dollars and what the heck you're going to do with all of that money when you get your paws on it??

I'm not being silly, worry about some good stuff. Why not??

Why waste good energy worrying about stuff that "may be buried" someplace?

Replace it with stuff that feels a whole lot better.

Who cares what's in there? There's probably stuff in there that was just as good-- as this bad idea is bad, right? Look for that stuff and quit focussing on all the crap.


In a perfect world that would all be do-able. But I think most of us are here because we are trying to work through it, not to be blasted because we are having a hard time working through it.

I live by the golden rule, even after everything that has happened in my past: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

Interpretation, speak kindly and gently, you have not walked in my shoes. If I want the words you used in your post, I would just call my Nparents - I can get as many doses of that as I want. I do not want criticism here. This is to be a haven.

Please stop the cruelty.

Somebody

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fear
« Reply #16 on: August 20, 2004, 09:23:50 PM »
Sorry Guest.  You must have misinterpreted my intention.

I posted what has helped me.
It was certainly not cruel and is just another way of looking at things.

I am glad that you are no longer living with that fear.
That's a great thing.

Neither am I and I have walked in fear before, so I feel like I understand what that felt like.  I no longer focus on those things and know others who have been helped to overcome it by using such methods.

I guess we just went about dealing with it in different ways, you and I.

Discussion occurs with the exchange of ideas.

I did ask- what for?  Why not?  Why don't you try...?

It's your choice to accept or reject those ideas.  I'm sorry you read that as "blasting" and that you think it seems only feasible in a perfect world.

Best of luck to you anyway.

Cj

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Re: fear
« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2004, 02:41:53 PM »
Hi,

Fear isn't unusual to me. Its funny, because this got me thinking. I have always been sensitive. What I mean by sensitive, is my 'anxiety arousal' is easily set off. I don't know if it's early experience/upbringing. No doubt it is. Sometimes I think my chemistry is really screwed. I mean, when I think about my social anxiety/O.C.D. tendencies over the years, its no surprise. I've always been quite jumpy. (When my heart 'leaps' it leaps!, like a jolt, almost sore. No, actually sore in fact.).
When I was a kid, fears used to keep me awake. Crazy fears. I'd hear on the news part of a rocket was floating around in space, lost, and might land somewhere on earth, and worry it was going to land on our house during the night. I've had some crazy, fearful thoughts, ....too embarrassing to even say.
I guess I never felt really safe...
I always remember fearing my mother. Never feeling she was a safe haven (like there was always a catch, or doubt). I recal when I was a kid at high school. We all got caught gambling in the toilets in our first year, which, wasn't permitted.
Some kid came up to me afterwards, and thought he'd try and scare me. He was in the year above, and had seen me 'escaping' when the headmaster walked into the toilets, and everybody scrambled, except the few unlucky ones who were caught.

'' You'll probably get expelled now, someone gave him your name so he'll be wanting to see you soon! ''.

I walked around the school, on my own, lost in dread. Holding back tears, literally. Feeling doomed. (All of course, because my mother would have to find this out. Her boy had been 'bad'). Expulsion? My, what were the implications here?
Anyway, it turned out I only got a detention. I got home, and waited on her getting back from work, with much ruminating, dreading, inpatience ( the wait was no doubt a long one.)
When I told her, it was like I hadn't told her anything that big a deal, and anyway, she was just in from work, and the main thing on her mind was getting a cup of tea, and sitting down. So where did this fear come from? Why did I expect such an extreme reaction, yet get nothing? Probably from confusion, I'm guessing. Her shifting moods, unpredictable. I had no doubt GOT the reaction I expected many times before.
Did she withdraw her love? If I didn't comply? Back and forth, as I grew up? If the love was every fully there. I'm not, to be honest, sure I even love her, or them. At least i don't feel anything at the moment. Haven't for a long time, My feelings died a long time ago. Locked away. I don't remember feeling warmth there. Its hurts to wonder if I ever did. Did I cut it off, or did they? Did I withdraw? Was it ever there to begin with? (I'm not looking for answers, just pondering).

A similar thing happened when I was a little younger. I called a chat-line, for fun. My friends and I had been doing it for a laugh, you know, like kids do. Almost prank call-ish. But fun none the less. So I decide to do it, at home, when my mothers out. I get my head round the fact, a week or so later, that we may in fact have an itemized bill, with all calls listed.
No guesses whats coming next. I'm so worried by this, I look out old bills in my mothers room, in a deserate attempt to ease my mind, then spend the next few weeks in dread. I literally felt the world had ended.
I 'confess' to her, about my 'misdeeds'. Because I can no longer stand the wait anymore.

'' What else have you done behind my back??????? ''

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, its all a bit random. But when I get anxious or even paranoid, I can't help but tie it in to my upbringing.

In answer to your question, I don't know :(. I think mines is maybe different anyway, in a way. But I do have big problems keeping my mind free of anxiety/panic, and from it 'going off the rails'.
I'm trying to think of calming 'the child' in me now,  I guess, in the hope it will help.

Discounted Girl

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fear
« Reply #18 on: August 22, 2004, 10:55:07 AM »
Thank you, thank you. Now I know why I am so jumpy and nervous. I'm not a scaredy-cat nor am I obsessed with the fear of disaster or impending doom -- I FREAKIN' NEVER GOT TO FEEL SAFE !!!!!!! There ya go  :!: I never connected that before. Thanks  :idea:

OnlyMe

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fear
« Reply #19 on: August 22, 2004, 12:01:55 PM »
That's It Exactly.  
I, too, am strong, no fear etc (we all must be that way inside, or we would never have survived this far!), but am unbelievably jumpy, always hypervigilant.  If someone comes up behind me suddenly and surprises me, I scream, and not just a little scream, but sometimes the big one that comes from my toes!  But, now I understand!  Thanks!  Yes, I remember there always was an 'eye' peeking through the crack in the bedroom door, the bathroom door, any door, any time.  Zero privacy, zero respect for boundaries.  And sometimes, I would be reading or involved in something, and it would startle me to see 'the eye' of my nmother watching me - and I never knew when, or for how long, or why.
And now, my husband always makes all sorts of racket when he is coming near me, so as not to startle me.  Now it all makes sense.  That fight or flight mode of survival is deeply engrained in us, I guess

Anonymous

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fear
« Reply #20 on: August 22, 2004, 01:19:10 PM »
Quote from: Somebody
No, it's not a bit silly.
But it is a bit of a waste of time.


In case you're wondering how you might have set the poster off, describing her flashbacks as "a bit of a waste of time" is dismissive and critical. Maybe you are unaware of how to effectively approach people with your ideas. I would advise not using the phrase "waste of time" to describe anyone's experience. It could be used to describe their actions in trying to control an N parent, but not their experience. The minute most people hear "waste of time" they feel dismissed and put down.


Quote from: Somebody
Why don't you try worrying about winning millions of dollars and what the heck you're going to do with all of that money when you get your paws on it??


If you want to suggest "cognitive-behavioral techniques" you have to validate the person's experience first. You failed to do that, hence this comes across as patronizing.



Quote from: Somebody
Who cares what's in there?  There's probably stuff in there that was just as good-- as this bad idea is bad, right?  Look for that stuff and quit focussing on all the crap.

Why do I say such a thing?  It works.

There's no need to drill deep down into our unconscious mind and retrieve each and every bit of rotten information that may be buried there.

Just as there is no need to go to the grave yard and dig up bones.

What the heck for?


This is dismissing her experience entirely, and telling her that it's not valuable and "who cares." I would not take this approach as it is a major turn-off to hearing your cognitive-behavioral suggestion.

bunny

Somebody

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fear
« Reply #21 on: August 23, 2004, 08:02:35 AM »
Thanks Bunny.  Points taken without resentment.   Now to squish that into the one little brain cell of mine that is still operating and keep it at the forefront for future recall!

Hope today is a great one for you!