Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

When we are voiceless, who are we really?

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bunny:

--- Quote from: DenmarkGuy ---I have a "life infrastructure" based on voicelessness-- and how do I (can I?) take a voice into that environment? I suddenly become very jarring with my surroundings. So then the question becomes one of whether I just "throw everything out" and start over from scratch. Tell my work, my friends, my life, my relationship "goodbye," move to a new city and start over in a place where I have no "history" and nobody knows me. There's a certain joy in entertaining such a thought, while at the same time it also feels like "running away."
--- End quote ---


Can you try being your authentic self even with people who are used to the voiceless Peter? Maybe they'll like this authentic person. If they don't like it, it's kind of their problem.

bunny

Discounted Girl:
Only Me ... I totally hear you on the dragging your husband through this -- you don't want to cause him distress, bother him, etc., but, wow, we got to talk, got to talk and work through a whole lifetime. Talking, talking, talking, is absolutely vital I think -- main problem is that unless you have been in our shoes it is very difficult to even imagine. Mostly I hear the "put a period to it and get on with it," which is fine and I do that sometimes, but the pain and abuse has etched deep into my soul and I can't "forget about it." It didn't happen in a movie or book, it happened to me and I can't detach from it. If I do detach, then I would be living in a shell and hardly worth it.

Yes, it's hard to know who you really are. I know that I was the same person when I was a kid as I am now except for the times (and when you are a child that is 100%) when the wicked NQueen was in total control. I know that I twisted and squirmed, agonized and shortened my life with stress over how to please the unpleaseable. There is no way to satisfy an N, they always want more and their source of pleasure and actually their whole existence is to feed on those who are closest to them. I picture it as a vile monster with large fangs, foaming at the mouth eating a little girl alive -- nothing left of me but my 2 little pigtails dangling from her foul smelling mouth. And my father in the background turning his head, pretending not to hear or see and if caught peeking, he would pretend to misinterpret the circumstances.

To cherish, love and desire a child is the normal, natural way of life, particularly for the female gender. Most people take that for granted, and I suppose there is no other way for them to feel. I can see how descriptions of the suffering we endure(d) might be construed as a misunderstanding, personality clashes, ignorance, defiance, yada yada, and how a listener would get sick of hearing the same old story. Truth is, Nparents are monsters, devoid of redemption, and those who don't experience the trauma they inflict can never understand.

OnlyMe:
Hi Discounted Girl,

You are exactly right in all your comments about the nmother.  I read your message, and it was like I wrote it myself.

My husband has saved my life, because I am an 'only' child, and he is the first person to actual witness the verbal abuse - which only happened because they didn't know I had him listen on the phone.  That was the beginning of seeing the evil.  He said he didn't want to tell me that my mother was nuts, but over time, she revealed herself for the cruel woman she really is.   She would put on her nice-nice show for him, fuss over him, etc.  The only difference is that her phony charms don't work on him.  He has stood by me while I have been unpeeling the layers and layers of pain, coming to terms with the things she has done.  Now, when she does or says something that is not quite right, I can see the abuse through new eyes.  
But, I don't want to go on and on and on about it with my husband, you know?  I hate that her evil has so much power in this house.  So, being able to safely vent with you all is going to be wonderful.  It will give my sweetie a breather!  We need to be strong, to stand up to her manipulations.

Yes, the stress definitely has shortened my life as welll, and that makes me very angry.  I have lived in the 'fight or flight' mode until the past few years, and that is not healthy at all.  

And now, I almost resent the energy I have to expend just to cope with the situation, just to keep myself grounded, just to try to live my one life, with my own dreams - what a foreign concept!

I am so thankful I found this chat room.  It is my first, and it is perfect.

Discounted Girl:
To the Peeling Onion, The Only Me  8)

Well, you already know how fortunate you are to have such a jewel for a husband -- he sounds totally terrific !! I would imagine she is jealous of his love for you, how could anyone love such a dumb useless thing as you, right ? I have an IQ of about 136 and that old bag has called me "stupid" so many times. Yikes, when my onion peels, after I wipe off the blood, I see how foolish I was to take her crap. I have a really long extension of "one more chances," but when I am done, I am done and I felt the extension cord snap that day 3 years ago, and it is gone for good. I do not wish her ill will, only that I never have to be in her presence ever again. To feel your own mother's hatred is something noone should ever have to experience.

Here's to us -- and the onion peeling continues. Maybe there is a big sweet, wet, luscious rose under all that -- mine is yellow, what is your's?  :wink:

BlueTopaz:

--- Quote ---I have a "life infrastructure" based on voicelessness-- and how do I (can I?) take a voice into that environment? I suddenly become very jarring with my surroundings. So then the question becomes one of whether I just "throw everything out" and start over from scratch. Tell my work, my friends, my life, my relationship "goodbye," move to a new city and start over in a place where I have no "history" and nobody knows me. There's a certain joy in entertaining such a thought, while at the same time it also feels like "running away."
--- End quote ---


I said goodbye to all once, and started anew.    When I was 25, 11 years ago, I moved 5 hours away, into another province where I remain now, because the inner turmoil I was experiencing was too much.

It helped me a lot, but  only because my goal was to figure out what was “wrong” with me, and I needed quiet space and distance from the people and surroundings of my childhood to do so.  

In other words, it wasn’t that I thought starting over would have things be different for me, it was really about  survival, and gaining enough emotional stability to begin to heal.    

But I’ve certainly had that relieving vision of starting over where nobody knows me, simply in order to have the chance to be different, to be the “real me”,  as well.  

Though what I learned first hand via the actual experience (it is a cliché in phraseology) of having done that for a dif. reason, is that the infrastructure that the voicelessness was born out of was/is in me.   I take it wherever I go.    

Though whatever the things are that need to be healed are always there with us, I do at least think some environments, both worldly conditions and situational (i.e. relationships) conditions we place ourselves in, can make it easier to feel more peaceful, authentic, and to heal, than others.

In that sense, I think sometimes a big-ish change can not be "the cure" in and of itself, but can be helpful.

BT

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