Gabben---- Miss You

[Ami]

Dear Lise
 I have missed you. I have been thinking of you and hope you are doing OK.    Love   Ami

[Gabben]

Hi Ami,

Thank you. I'm OK I have just been in a lot of pain with not too much to say. It is not depression or sadness it is a real deep pain in my heart that I have been able to trace back to my first tender years as a baby when I was left alone in a crib for hours without love or food. There is an aching bitterness which protected me, but under the bitterness and hatred I felt as a child was pure pain...a real hurt.

There is not much I can do these days but sit quietly with the pain. My heart needs all of it's strength to heal it is as if I need to take all of my compassion and direct it to my baby Lise inside of me who was so emotionally violated at a time when we are supposed to be loved the most.

Therefore, I am not able to give much to others these days, but I do check in and read posts from time to time even offering quiet prayers for people, like towrite, who ask for them.

Peace and hugs,
Lise

[Ami]

I understand ,Lise.Thanks for your response. I was concerned about you. I am sending you thoughts of peace.               Love   Ami

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
 This is just a suggestion. Compost if it doesn't seem right. Alice Miller has really, really helped me . Her website is very supportive to people who have M's like ours.
 I feel understood and affirmed by her work.
 It is a whole different approach and for me, gives me a sense of trust in myself , that I lost.
 Just a thought.          Love   Ami

[Gabben]

Dear Lise,
 This is just a suggestion. Compost if it doesn't seem right. Alice Miller has really, really helped me . Her website is very supportive to people who have M's like ours.
 I feel understood and affirmed by her work.
 It is a whole different approach and for me, gives me a sense of trust in myself , that I lost.
 Just a thought.          Love   Ami

Hi Ami,

I've studied and read Alice Miller for many years. I could proably recite "The Drama of the Gifted Child" as I have referred to it time and time again. I am very happy that her work is helping you as she has helped me much over the years as well.

Really -- these pains and memories I am having are the homestretch as I have spent the last 10 years doing this work of uncovering and healing repressed memories.

For someone to get into infantile and toddler memories, as I am now, it requires a great deal of strenuous effort, as I have been going through this last year, as well as a great deal of pealing away of defenses.

Plumbing the depths as GS says...it is all good and I am really doing well despite the pain.....you cannot heal what you cannot feel.

For instance, I sleep through my nights, I nurture myself in healthy ways, I do not suffer from addictions like I used to, compulsivity is diminishing in many areas. My ways of living and being are actually becoming more peaceful, I am developing and I am OK with my pain.

This layer is just really deep and really stubborn, but like I said....by this time next year I'll be making a victory lap in peace and happiness.

As I said in my top post I am just quiet because I need to reserve my strength for this healing. If people have not been here or gone this far in their own healing it may be hard for them to understand.

Thank you for reaching out to me. I love you Ami and I have followed your progress as well as I wrote some posts to you on your Mother thread.

You have been a wonderful inspiration for me here on VMB, more than you know.


Lise

[Ami]

That is so sweet of you to say, Lise. You have been the very same to me.       Love   Ami

[seasons]

There is not much I can do these days but sit quietly with the pain. My heart needs all of it's strength to heal it is as if I need to take all of my compassion and direct it to my baby Lise inside of me who was so emotionally violated at a time when we are supposed to be loved the most.

Therefore, I am not able to give much to others these days, but I do check in and read posts from time to time even offering quiet prayers for people, like towrite, who ask for them.

((Lise))

Thinking of you with great compassion. love seasons

[Ami]

Just thinking of you,Lise. Sending you warm wishes and love.             Ami

[Hopalong]

Good for you for abiding with yourself, Lise.
Being present with Lise.

I'll cheer too when the time is right.
Sending consoling quiet meanwhile...

Hops

PS--My grandmother's favorite hymn was "Come, Ye Disconsolate". If you can find the Roberta Flack CD where she sings it in duet with Donny Hathaway, you'll go weak at the knees. (In a good way.) xo, H.

[Gaining Strength]

Therefore, I am not able to give much to others these days,

I so appreciate your writing this.  I have been feeling this way for a week or so but felt extraordinarily guilty about it.  Just reading you saying the very thing I was feeling helps so much.  Thanks.

I wish you great peace during this period of important healing.  So glad you posted to let us know where you are.

[Gabben]

Hi SS,

I do the very same thing to myself telling myself that I am selfish and self absorbed, but then I realize that sometimes we are just wounded, hurting and in need of rest. The periods were I am in my wound will be less and less as I move through the pain, right?

Thank you for the post. This past 3-day weekend it hit me that if I am not in deep pain then I am acting out or numbing out and the best way to avoid that is to get this stuff out....it was freeing to see that when I am in pain I am actually the most healthy. Does that make sense?

Hugs,
Lise

[Gabben]

PS--My grandmother's favorite hymn was "Come, Ye Disconsolate". If you can find the Roberta Flack CD where she sings it in duet with Donny Hathaway, you'll go weak at the knees. (In a good way.) xo, H.

Hi Hops,

This was a great tip...I have been looking on amazon this am for the cd. Thanks for reminding me about Roberta Flack I love her stuff! It just dawned on me that I do not have any music of hers, I could use a new cd.

Lise