I am ashamed

[LilyCat]

Hi Seasons,

We recreate the familiar, not the healthy. You're trying to break away from a lifetime of habits/behavours/interactions that have been reinforced thousands and thousands of times. That's extremely difficult. Changing is extremely difficult even when we want to with all our heart and soul.

And, she's your sister!! There's an inherent bond there that is really hard to break, to give up on, and to let go of. You sound like a really good person, so of course it's going to be hard for you to do that.

I've always thought that sibling bonds are much deeper than anyone, the professional community included, gives them credit for. They run very, very deep ... after all, you share the same DNA, which is something even your parents don't share. Your blood is very much their blood, literally (even if it's a different type). Of course you're disappointed that she doesn't call -- good or bad, she's your sister; it's hard to accept the idea of not having a sister, and hard to give up on the picture of the sister you would like to have. Very hard.

I know this a little, because my sister is a good person, but she's not very emotionally available. I know she loves me, but she's not the kind of person you get close to. Sadly, she is my only living relative (other than cousins et al), the only member of my immediate family left. Although we talk more since my dad died last fall, it's still not very much, or at all familiar -- as in, not anything like with my girlfriends. I'm already lonely for other reasons, but this makes me feel especially lonely, since she's my sister and we're "supposed" to be close, and she feels so distant. She doesn't live all that far away, a little over an hour; and while she easily comes to my town once a week for her dog training classes, she never comes to see me. Oh geez -- there go some tears. That's how it was/is with her and my mother (when she was alive) -- they paid more attention and were kinder to their dogs than they were to me. I mean that quite literally. Didn't know that was going to come up!!

I also know about sibling bonds because the opposite was true of my brother. He and I were very close, and I essentially lost him when we were in our 20s (he was in a mountain hiking accident and was severely damaged for 20 years, so he was not the same person at all; couldn't talk or communicate.) I learned what I know about the depth of siblings bonds when I lost him.

Anyway, I know these things are difficult. Try just to pick up on things as you have, but don't judge yourself for what you want or feel. Your feelings are just your feelings, and you'll feel better (!!!) if you just let yourself have them. See # 4 below.

In fact, in the spirit of my brother, here are his "commandments." I've saved them all these years because I think they're just great:

(1) don’t believe anything that doesn't make sense at gut level.
(2) Mind your own business.
(3) Want what you want, not what you think you want or ought to want or try to want.
(4) Relax.
(5) Hop, skip, and go naked.
...I guess we could keep a few of the old ones.


See what I mean? He just made life fun and interesting.

[debkor]

Hey Season,

Wow your sister sounds alot like my friend/like sister, so I hear you, on your feelngs.  It is bitter sweet in letting go.  I had a no contact for 6months and then decided to speak again due to her children involved.  That was difficult.  Anyway from doing all the research and listening to everyone on here about parents and siblings even though I detached with no contact I'm stll detached with contact.  You go through a phase, I was mad, and confrontational, and bored, and mad again then ACCEPTANCE my friend is an N.  I think this was the hardest part to accept that someone I thought of as family was N.  I was more mad at the disorder then my friend.  So I detached from the illness which  means really detaching from everything of my friend emotionally.  She is lost to Nville.  I don't live in the same world I don't think there is room in there to share her world only to serve her with Supply.
Rather sad, they are really so emotinally Ill. Very sick people.  I was able to detach with love and compassion and even forgive her
It's really sad Seasons so many people are on to them.  They might not know what we know but they either think she isNuts, Mean, or the best things that happened. 

The people who my friend now surrond herself with (trust me) are not people you would want as friends and YES they are there being used and manipulated by her just like the normal people were.  For Supply and these now are drug dealers.  Even they get manipulated.  I do see her going over the edge soon. She sounds Angry Now and Sentimental missing old friends, like myself, and what we are about but we are not the same as her and keep her at arms length. 

So I think, they might, get worse as they get older.  I know your sister is not like my friend but there patterns are always changing.  I know everyone of my friends that are friends with her has said, since, she has not called they are at Peace and because she has not, they were able to detach, with compassion and hold no hard feelings but do not want to accept her back into thier lives as a Friend. They have no anger.

And seasons, I have never seen someone wear so many different faces with all different people, it's mind boggling.  I'm talking from te lowest low life to the Country Club People.  It's bizzare.  She takes on so many different personalities and is so FAKE!  I don't have that kind of talent.  I am just ME!  She is everyone who she is with at the moment. 

So I was able to detach from my friends illness with compassion.  I have to remind myself she is Ill.  Not normal and I think that makes it easier for me because I keep wanting to see her as a person with emotions for others.  She is not capable.  There is no hope.  There is no cure.  So you let it go.

She also still gets supply from me.  Even if it is negative supply.  I am aware of this but when I do no contact that means her children to.  At least they have some familar grounds with me and the other friends.  I don't have the heart to do that to them.
Just cause she's nuts does not mean her children should be abandoned. God knows, they already feel that.

Once you feel detachment you will feel better.  They are sick people.  You just have to really feel the Sick part of it and it's hard to get to that moving through all the abuse, neglect, and even the good times you had with them.  They are Disordered with no medicine's to fix it and no cure.  Release her like hops said and detach.  She will always be your sister and you can love her remembering she is a very troubled Ill person and her toxins were doing you harm. She may never get better and you can't stay in an unhealthy relationship.  She is lost to a disorder.  I am sorry.

Love
Deb