I am ashamed

[seasons]

to post this, or even admit it to myself. The truth?

I feel dumped by my abusive sister. I'm coming here to ask for help, asking for the strength not to go crawling back to her.

Why, do I feel sad that she hasn't called me in over a week? When that has been my goal for over a month if not more to seriously cut ties with her.

I have been her supply.
Did it make me feel important to be her supply?
Gosh, it makes me so sick to think I need her.

 Someone who has been so underhandedly taking my soul away.

Last time I talked to her was the morning of my daughters graduation. Before we hung up she was crying, make believe on how proud of her niece she was.
That was it, no phone call the next day or over the weekend to ask how the graduation was? I know silly me, like she cares.

Did I think by being her supply, I in some way was loved by her?
In my mind I know this isn't true but my heart feels different.

I almost called her this a.m. to get it over with. She would of said something like she had a terrible week, busy, almost got killed driving her car, lost her power etc.......... some poor me story.

O.K. now where do I go from here? She will call eventually and probably put it on me for not calling her.
Where have I been?
She has been worried?
Can we now make plans to get together now that d has graduated type stuff.

I need to let go of this false relationship. Because she hasn't called me her usual schedule I feel squashed.
Why on earth would I feel this way?
Why aren't I delighted with peace?
Why do I still let her define me when I thought I was at a stronger place in myself.

thank you for giving me a safe place to share these embarrassing emotions.  love seasons

[sKePTiKal]

awww Seasons, I know... it's why I still pick up the phone when my mom calls, even though I "know" totally, completely, that it's just more of the same crap... could even be verbatim the LAST phone call...

I think we do it simply because we're programmed to. Conditioned. To play our role.
I think we CAN stop it; change our role; even change the feelings of need we have for those pathetic excuses for relationships.

It's not easy, though... and each situation calls for experimental methods... trial & error...

Maybe just start a mental mantra, that you're just fine without talking to her... maybe it'll help this time; next time you might want/need something different... maybe do something special for yourself in place of that connection; maybe call a close friend instead, for that "closeness" fix... a real one, not the sham one.

[Gaining Strength]

Why, do I feel sad that she hasn't called me in over a week? When that has been my goal for over a month if not more to seriously cut ties with her.

If we didn't love our family, even though they are N's, we would not have been so damaged by our relationships with them.  Because of the love we cannot so easily let go of what we need from a truly loving relationship.  It is painful and the pain has deep roots that go back to the beginning of our relationship. 

Going NC is a therapy and a very difficult one.  Going, or trying to go NC is not easy and it brings up that original longing in a more powerful way than suppressing the pain.  It is that failing of that original longing that tears us apart in our souls and going NC opens that wound up.

My heart is with you.  I know that shame feeling all to well and i am sorry that it is engulfing you at this time.

[Leah]

Dear (((((( Seasons ))))))

I remember well, that sinking feeling that was present, seemingly for such a long time, after being used and dumped by my nsister.

Now, that feeling has long gone -- however, it was a time and process.

I feel quite strongly that being dumped by a friend really does hurt, however, being dumped by ones own flesh and blood is so very deeply painful.

The realization of being a mere source of supply truly does make one feel like an object -- this reality cuts deep into ones heart.

I need to let go of this false relationship. Because she hasn't called me her usual schedule I feel squashed.
Why on earth would I feel this way?
Why aren't I delighted with peace?
Why do I still let her define me when I thought I was at a stronger place in myself.

I feel you have hit the nail on the head in so much as it is the sheer volume of FALSEHOOD that takes away our peace in the situation.

We know that the NFOO member is FALSE (double faceted) -- when we are not, clearly, simply because we don't behave as they do, therefore, their behavior is counter productive to our ownself and values, especially, in the way in which we conduct ourselves with other people.

During the holiday weekend I read a book which was quite startling with a personal reality that I simply have an issue with FALSEHOOD.

My mother and my sister were totally 100% FALSE -- with everyone they encountered.

Just knowing that any perceived 'good' days spent with my sister, from family memories -- were never really true, with the reality that 'good' days were only when I totally gave of myself.

Sadly, as I see it, now, they really are empty vessels ...

>  Empty Vessel  alongside a Filled Vessel .......... the Empty Vessel TAKES ALL from the Filled Vessel ......... resulting in the Filled Vessel losing inner sense of peace - being replaced with angst.

Truly, I finally get it!   The real deep harm that they do.

My sister never phoned me either, looking back, it was I that would phone her -- unless my sister wanted me to do something for her.  Something else I realized at the weekend -- she never said 'thank you' and never ever could say 'sorry' with genuine remorse.   Yes, she did once say the word 'sorry' but her appalling (final act) behavior soonafter tells me that she lacked genuine remorse.  The final outcome was, is, no contact, and that was a painful process, but now today, I know it is the right choice for me personally.   No more empty draining games, and my inner peace is now restored.


((((((((( Seasons )))))))))

You have to search inside yourself for the answer as to how you choose what is best for you with regard to your relationship with your sister.  

I do know it is painful and certainly, not an easy process.

Love to you,

Leah

[Overcomer]

I know this feeling of trying to make my brother love and respect me.  But I know he usually has bad things to say about most people.  I love him but have successfully drawn boundary lines with him.....

Try this, Seasons.  Do not call your sister.  Try to go on with your life without obsessing about why she didn't call, etc.  Do not second guess her motives.  Just live your life.  Then when she finally calls and starts questioning YOU about why YOU didn't call, YOU say "Oh, I have been so busy with d graduation...."  Or YOU were the one who almost got in a car accident.  Play her game right back to her.  Then cut the call short and say something like, "Oh, I am so sorry to do this but I have an important call coming in that I have been expecting, I will need to talk to you later........"  Then do not call her for a couple of weeks.  I know this will be hard but I would bet you will get some satisfaction over turning the tables on her.....

I did this a couple times with my mom.  I was communicating with the bookkeeper and NOT her.  If I called in sick I called the bookkeeper.  Then my mom complained about me doing this and I (acting like a dumb blonde) said, "Isn't that nice?"  There was silence.  I know she had no idea how to respond to such an obvious distraction from her guilt throwing.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I am able to get her.  But it takes a little preplanning like......I am not going to let her set the tone of the call.  I am going to be sickeningly sweet when usually I would be defensive or abrupt.  She does not know what to do with that...............try it....

[Leah]

Hungry for love and affection (acceptance) from my FOO

I was always chasing after them....

... like chasing after moonbeams.


At least now, I am real and whole.

That's got to be worth something?

Love, Leah

[Gabben]

Dear Seasons,

As I was reading your post I felt a pain in my heart similar to what you described; it is as if your heart was raped, or your emotions and mind were prostituted, by her, for HER enjoyment.

The feeling of being used, turned into an object for someone else's enjoyment is very painful to awaken to especially when we have loved...it is a painful betrayal.


http://nfree.bravehost.com/loss.html

When I started to wake up to the fact that Nfakesaint really did not care about me and did not have my best welfare in mind, being my counselor, it was raw, it had to happen slowly there was no way that I could stare that ugly truth of who she really was all in one look, or glance -- it took many little grasping of the reality before the truth would set in.

There have been times were I felt very ashamed for being so naive which is exactly what types like your sister and Nfakesaint do, the terrorize us and humiliate us in covert and subtle ways, only we know, unconsciously at first, what they are really doing.

I hear your sadness; it really is a loss and you are in grief...stay with the grief, the tears, or whatever pain comes up and know that I care and other people have been where you are.

Hugs,
Lise

[Hopalong]

Seasons,

I have friends who are sisters.
I have friends who are brothers.
I have friends who are mothers.

I had a real father.
I have a biobrother who is false.
I have a biomother who is false.

I think you deserve friends who are sisters.

The pain of going NC is tough, like quitting smoking.
Ultimately, it fills you with oxygen and interest in your own life.

That can turn into deep happiness in the present, and in the presence of the real sisters you have found and made room for.

Now, there's no room for them...as long as you hold space for her.

Release her. Release your hope, release your expectations.
Detach from her.

I have had times when I've needed a TON of tools and tricks and cues.

Maybe a good one for you would be to write in proud capital letters on a small slip of paper: DETACH.
And tape it to all your phones. Look at it whenever she calls you. See how it reminds you to stay conscious and be aware of your feelings, so you don't go into "phone trance" and get sabotaged by your emotions which are based in everything but reality.

Seriously. Sometimes a visual cue really helps when one gets "hooked" by certain callers. Esp. ones who are toxic to us, no matter whether they're bio- or not.

Hope you'll try it.

with love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
 I think we need and want love, as humans. We will stay with our abusive relatives "forever" to try to get a drop of love. I think we all can relate to that yearning and the resulting pain.
 You have nothing to be ashamed of ,other than wanting love and connection.
 I think so many people would want to be your friend, Seasons. I know that I do and I am not alone in that.
 You have nothing to be ashamed of Seasons, as I see it,you are  just being human.   Love    Ami

(((((((Seasons))))))))

[James]

Seasons.....I was the scapegoat in my family. I loved my family members and like a puppy went from person to person trying to be loved. The sad truth was they didn't love me. I felt shamed but this was a cover to shield, from others and myself, how hurt and rejected I felt. I never could admit these feelings to anyone because they were so painful. It was easier for me to feel shame thinking I was the problem rather than face the fact that I was not loved and all alone. What would I do, where would I go and would anybody ever love me. These were some of the thoughts that were probably running thru my head back then. I kept going back until I started to face these issues.I still go back sometimes but it's not the same.....Love, James

[seasons]

Thank you all so much. Each word has given me guidance and strength. I will respond soon, but right now I need to scrape of the web I was entangled in. Since Sunday I have been very sad. Yesterday I needed so badly to share my inner thoughts, as twisted as they seemed. And today I need to shed all the demons she inflicts,  off of me once and for all.

My n sister triggered other patterns she has displayed with me over the years, robbing me of celebrations, joys etc.
I understand this is what she is, an empty vessel..............
So after my d graduation and her typical phone calls came to a freeze I again realized she was putting a dark cloud over a beautiful day for me and our family. I was left feeling used, dirty.
How could she do this to me after all I have given her? She has not an ounce of love for me? I know the answer, none.

Yet  when I looked back to that nice day i was marred by her ignoring what had happened. Putting her black mark, leaving me with a memory of her wickedness.

After posting yesterday I couldn't do anything, I was exhausted and very vulnerable. I did not do anything, I was numb, sad, almost felt like I was grieving. Odd I know.

Then when DH came home, he held his head as we chatted, him knowing I wasn't myself. He said, I don't know why but I can't believe you sister has not called you. Then continued to say she is a selfish rude blank. He said all you listen and do for her.
He begged me not to call her.
My husband at least validated that this was not her usual pattern. Many phone calls were now gone.

Later in the evening still having no energy I needed to call her. The mystery of her silence was killing me. I told my husband I was making the call, he wasn't happy. But I told him I'm getting eaten up by this, I am feel spooked not knowing what is going through her ill mind. I said you can't understand but I need to get this over with, it is so heavy and pushing me down.So I called her. I decided to be very upbeat and not bring anything up.

Her son answered and she came to the phone. "Is this my sister?" I said, "Yes, is this mine?"
She says in a flat with a bit of coldness, "I have been waiting patiently for your call. It has been a week you know?"
I responded that I have been busy, with my d going away and that I don't call when things are hectic. I was giving her an excuse like a child would to her mother.
I can't explain the ice coldness that encompassed my body. She is not human. She is like a spider waiting, patiently to kill her victim.
ME!She then said, "Mike (her adult son) wondered why we haven't talked. He asked if we got in a fight. She told him know I'm waiting for her to call me. Again in a flat, cold voice.


She then continued to talk for a half hour, the whole time I was revisiting the last few days, my feeling, my sadness etc.
For what I thought as she continued to talk about nothing but herself.
I felt release
Like a balloon deflating.
I felt peace because I could see how sick she really was. Realizing deep, deep down that she in incapable of a speck of love or kindness for me.
I believed deep down in her heart, she loved me. That was a falsehood I kept, a reason to keep taking her sick treatment.

I finally said, "It's getting late I will let you go." She said, "WHO CARES." meaning the time, and then said,
"YOUR NOT GETTING OFF THAT EASY."
In a tone, like I was a bad child because I didn't call her. Then she reminded me, as if I didn't know, "I NEVER CALLED YOU ALL WEEK YOU KNOW."
Just in-case I thought maybe I missed her call. She wanted me to know she did not call. Again in a cold flat voice. Very proud of herself for not caving and calling me, I didn't need you I almost sensed with a grin.

Even though my goal was not to call her. Calling her was very real for me. I was able to receive the cold, calculating person she is, so very clearly.
I felt sad no more.
She is empty and sick.
For her to practically admit she was playing a game with me, made her power over me fade even more.
I can't express how much I saw through her every word, cutting like a sword, reflecting off of me, more easily than I thought possible.

I felt euphoric to finally accept and know the truth, she does not have and ounce of love or respect for me as a human being.

The weights are off my shoulders. I can leave her now, her dark cloud has dissipated and the sun is shining through.
seasons

[Certain Hope]

((((((Seasons))))))  Through your description of her words, I can see so clearly that it's not about you at all.

She was simply furious that you had an event in your life (your daughter's graduation) which didn't involve her or glorify her or in any way reflect on her.

Every single thing you describe - - I can see the mannerisms and hear her tone... because she sounds just exactly like my mother.

I'm so sorry you've been through this and yet glad that you took the bull by the horns without accepting her manure.... and found peace!

With love,
Carolyn

P.S.  on edit.... "Is this MY sister?"  .... this really gets my goat, because it says so clearly, from the get-go: "How dare you even begin to think of yourself in any role other than that of MY sister/slave!"       
Okay, going to round up that goat now.
ooxox

[seasons]

My mother and my sister were totally 100% FALSE -- with everyone they encountered.

Just knowing that any perceived 'good' days spent with my sister, from family memories -- were never really true, with the reality that 'good' days were only when I totally gave of myself.

Sadly, as I see it, now, they really are empty vessels ...

>  Empty Vessel  alongside a Filled Vessel .......... the Empty Vessel TAKES ALL from the Filled Vessel ......... resulting in the Filled Vessel losing inner sense of peace - being replaced with angst.

Truly, I finally get it!   The real deep harm that they do.

My sister never phoned me either, looking back, it was I that would phone her -- unless my sister wanted me to do something for her.  Something else I realized at the weekend -- she never said 'thank you' and never ever could say 'sorry' with genuine remorse.   Yes, she did once say the word 'sorry' but her appalling (final act) behavior soonafter tells me that she lacked genuine remorse.  The final outcome was, is, no contact, and that was a painful process, but now today, I know it is the right choice for me personally.   No more empty draining games, and my inner peace is now restored.


((((((((( Seasons )))))))))

You have to search inside yourself for the answer as to how you choose what is best for you with regard to your relationship with your sister. 

I do know it is painful and certainly, not an easy process. It got much easier when I listened to the evilness last night.Love to you,

Leah

Wow, Leah.......

Your words of experience spoke volumes to me. Your validation of their falsehood has reassured what I really do know. I feel your old pain, pay I call it that? ((so sorry))
You have broken through the lies and you can see clearly the pain and destruction they have caused you. I know you are at a healthier place through all your in-depth work and knowledge of why?

No more empty draining games, and my inner peace is now restored.

Leah, ((restored)) is delightful and most hopeful for you to share.

At least now, I am real and whole.

That's got to be worth something?

      You are priceless in every sense of the word. love and thanks to you always. seasons

That can turn into deep happiness in the present, and in the presence of the real sisters you have found and made room for.

Now, there's no room for them...as long as you hold space for her.

Release her. Release your hope, release your expectations.
Detach from her.

I have had times when I've needed a TON of tools and tricks and cues.

Maybe a good one for you would be to write in proud capital letters on a small slip of paper: DETACH.
And tape it to all your phones. Look at it whenever she calls you. See how it reminds you to stay conscious and be aware of your feelings, so you don't go into "phone trance" and get sabotaged by your emotions which are based in everything but reality.

Seriously. Sometimes a visual cue really helps when one gets "hooked" by certain callers. Esp. ones who are toxic to us, no matter whether they're bio- or not.

Hope you'll try it.

Thank you so much ((Hops)) for sharing tools to use, to get through my goal of NC.  I am going to write "DETACH" right above my phone. I think that visual would be most helpful to stop and think before I react to quickly.

Now, there's no room for them...as long as you hold space for her.

Yes, you are so right!! How could there be if I let myself be a victim of the vampire. I would not be able to give or recieve any healthy friendships. Thank you for that gift of truth.   love and appreciation to you my valued friend....... seasons

You have nothing to be ashamed of ,other than wanting love and connection.
 I think so many people would want to be your friend, Seasons. I know that I do and I am not alone in that.
 You have nothing to be ashamed of Seasons, as I see it,you are  just being human.   Love    Ami

Ami, your kindness is never taken for granted. You always have your hand out, reaching with calmness, acceptance to hold on to.
Your gift of such a generous heart is so healing to the broken spirit. I feel your friendship, I hope you feel mine.
    wishing us all

(((love and connection))

Thank you for reminding me of that. love seasons

[seasons]

Dear Seasons,

As I was reading your post I felt a pain in my heart similar to what you described; it is as if your heart was raped, or your emotions and mind were prostituted, by her, for HER enjoyment.
That is exactlly how I felt Lise. I haven't let myself feel that much pain in a long time. It was overwhelming.
The feeling of being used, turned into an object for someone else's enjoyment is very painful to awaken to especially when we have loved...it is a painful betrayal.


http://nfree.bravehost.com/loss.html

When I started to wake up to the fact that Nfakesaint really did not care about me and did not have my best welfare in mind, being my counselor, it was raw, it had to happen slowly there was no way that I could stare that ugly truth of who she really was all in one look, or glance -- it took many little grasping of the reality before the truth would set in.

There have been times were I felt very ashamed for being so naive which is exactly what types like your sister and Nfakesaint do, the terrorize us and humiliate us in covert and subtle ways, only we know, unconsciously at first, what they are really doing.
((yes, I understand))
I hear your sadness; it really is a loss and you are in grief...stay with the grief, the tears, or whatever pain comes up and know that I care and other people have been where you are.
Lise thank you for your words of comfort and understanding through your own pain you have endured.
The truth, was a wave of total grief. That pain that cuts right to the gut. It hurt, but I know today I need to go there and feel it, feel the real pain and loss of what never excisted.
Hugs,
Lise With heartfelt thanks to you. love seasons

Seasons.....I was the scapegoat in my family. I loved my family members and like a puppy went from person to person trying to be loved. The sad truth was they didn't love me. I felt shamed but this was a cover to shield, from others and myself, how hurt and rejected I felt. I never could admit these feelings to anyone because they were so painful. It was easier for me to feel shame thinking I was the problem rather than face the fact that I was not loved and all alone. What would I do, where would I go and would anybody ever love me. These were some of the thoughts that were probably running thru my head back then. I kept going back until I started to face these issues.I still go back sometimes but it's not the same.....Love, James

((James)),
Scapegoat of the family. How painful of a place to be put in. I remember always trying to be good, never understanding why they wouldn't love me, and i also felt scared of being alone and not cared for. I think that is one reason I kept holding on, being afraid of being alone. When in reality I was alone. No one was going to come for me, if I needed help, love, concern, a friend.
James, I need to face the issues, the ones hidden very deep. I appreciate how you clarrified my inner thoughts.

but it's not the same

  Hopeful.....thank you. love seasons




T

Try this, Seasons.  Do not call your sister.  Try to go on with your life without obsessing about why she didn't call, etc.  Do not second guess her motives.  Just live your life.  Then when she finally calls and starts questioning YOU about why YOU didn't call, YOU say "Oh, I have been so busy with d graduation...."  Or YOU were the one who almost got in a car accident.  Play her game right back to her.  Then cut the call short and say something like, "Oh, I am so sorry to do this but I have an important call coming in that I have been expecting, I will need to talk to you later........"  Then do not call her for a couple of weeks.  I know this will be hard but I would bet you will get some satisfaction over turning the tables on her.....

I did this a couple times with my mom.  I was communicating with the bookkeeper and NOT her.  If I called in sick I called the bookkeeper.  Then my mom complained about me doing this and I (acting like a dumb blonde) said, "Isn't that nice?"  There was silence.  I know she had no idea how to respond to such an obvious distraction from her guilt throwing.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I am able to get her.  But it takes a little preplanning like......I am not going to let her set the tone of the call.  I am going to be sickeningly sweet when usually I would be defensive or abrupt.  She does not know what to do with that...............try it.... Then when she finally calls and starts questioning YOU about why YOU didn't call, YOU say "Oh, I have been so busy with d graduation...."  Or YOU were the one who almost got in a car accident.  Play her game right back to her.  Then cut the call short and say something like, "Oh, I am so sorry to do this but I have an important call coming in that I have been expecting, I will need to talk to you later........"  Then do not call her for a couple of weeks.  I know this will be hard but I would bet you will get some satisfaction over turning the tables on her.....

I did this a couple times with my mom.  I was communicating with the bookkeeper and NOT her.  If I called in sick I called the bookkeeper.  Then my mom complained about me doing this and I (acting like a dumb blonde) said, "Isn't that nice?"  There was silence.  I know she had no idea how to respond to such an obvious distraction from her guilt throwing.  Sometimes.  Sometimes I am able to get her.  But it takes a little preplanning like......I am not going to let her set the tone of the call.  I am going to be sickeningly sweet when usually I would be defensive or abrupt.  She does not know what to do with that...............try it....

Thank you Overcomer! I couldn't do this yesterday as I was in a pit of darkness. Now that I can see and breath better today I can take this advice and use it as a tool. A tool to freedom.

Try this, Seasons.  Do not call your sister.  Try to go on with your life without obsessing about why she didn't call, etc.  Do not second guess her motives.  Just live your life.

This is exactly where I want to be. Your words are balming to my heart and worth fighting for!  Thank you!! love seasons


((Shame Slayer))

Going NC is a therapy and a very difficult one.  Going, or trying to go NC is not easy and it brings up that original longing in a more powerful way than suppressing the pain.  It is that failing of that original longing that tears us apart in our souls and going NC opens that wound up.

My heart is with you.  I know that shame feeling all to well and i am sorry that it is engulfing you at this time.

I was not prepared for the pain. I thought I was further in my healing than wham. Thank you for letting me know going NC is a process in itself. I feel a bit better knowing this is supressed feelings I am letting or they are forcing themselves out.
If it brings me to health and can finally seperate who I am with her would be a victory and worth the pain to get there.
I really respect all you do. love and hope for you..........seasons



awww Seasons, I know... it's why I still pick up the phone when my mom calls, even though I "know" totally, completely, that it's just more of the same crap... could even be verbatim the LAST phone call...
   ((hugs))

I think we do it simply because we're programmed to. Conditioned. To play our role.
I think we CAN stop it; change our role; even change the feelings of need we have for those pathetic excuses for relationships.
I agree, and realize even more how programmeed I am/was. Your words are so hopeful at this moment when I need them most.It's not easy, though... and each situation calls for experimental methods... trial & error...

Maybe just start a mental mantra, that you're just fine without talking to her... maybe it'll help this time; next time you might want/need something different... maybe do something special for yourself in place of that connection; maybe call a close friend instead, for that "closeness" fix... a real one, not the sham one.
I LOVE that, a real one, not the shame one. thank you for reaching out. love and hugs seasons

[seasons]

((((((Seasons))))))  Through your description of her words, I can see so clearly that it's not about you at all.

She was simply furious that you had an event in your life (your daughter's graduation) which didn't involve her or glorify her or in any way reflect on her.
Sadly true, confirming the truth when every one in real life is blind to it. Being truly listened to is so healing to the soul. I am not making this up, and you heard me. thank you so much.Every single thing you describe - - I can see the mannerisms and hear her tone... because she sounds just exactly like my mother.
((sorry for your pain))
I'm so sorry you've been through this and yet glad that you took the bull by the horns without accepting her manure.... and found peace!

With love,
Carolyn

The wrath of shame has receded and I am more at peace now after speaking and seeing her in the truest light.
Thank you for sharing your most valued voice with me. love seasons

P.S.  on edit.... "Is this MY sister?"  .... this really gets my goat, because it says so clearly, from the get-go: "How dare you even begin to think of yourself in any role other than that of MY sister/slave!"       
Okay, going to round up that goat now.
ooxox