Dear Lise,
First off, just want to say that I really appreciate this opportunity to get to know you a bit better! Thank you for taking the time to visit with me here and especially to share some more about yourself... and
of yourself. This was a hard post for me to sort and write, and if it'd been to anyone else but you, I may have avoided it altogether... but it's definitely time for me to skip the part where I take two steps back after moving forward a bit. So... here goes.
Although I may be more introverted by nature, I do enjoy being with others, as well... at least for limited periods of time. Afterward, though, I do sense a strong pull to retreat and regroup... within the quiet of my own thoughts. Sometimes I'm not sure whether that's good or bad, but it does seem to be a fact of life for me.
Isolation is another story, though. There were years of that, for various reasons, mainly as I focused on my (non-)relationship with a husband who wouldn't tolerate any disruption to his kingdom. Besides that, 7 years into our marriage, we had to confront him into confessing that he was sexually inappropriate with my oldest daughter. That was just the beginning of another 8 year nightmare through which all the court proceedings and counseling didn't succeed in making him safe to be around children. More isolation... and stigma. And then there was N-ex and an ongoing downward spiral. When that ended in 2003, there was not much left of me. But that is in the past, thank God. Moving right along...
Your simple weekend outings seem lovely, to me. A massage and then dinner... wow, what a treat! Best part, I think, is having someone you trust with whom to share that time and your AA sponsor sounds like a very special individual. Makes me wish that I'd reached out for help in that way. Haven't had a drink in nearly 3 years, but it was a "cold turkey" decision with me... another of my "loner" steps, held together by paper clips, duct tape, and prayer. Still feels pretty fragile at times... and maybe it always will. But spending time outdoors, with our pets... like you said, watching all of the dogs play in the water - well, that restores and strengthens me (although, the more I think on it, just may have to explore outlets for massage therapy in this podunk town -
)
You wrote:
This rings so true for me lately has I have been reflecting on the ways I grew up, the messages, the tapes etc.. There was so much that I just absorbed as a child that I did not have to. Lately, I have been in a period of cleansing out these old tapes and garbage, really looking at the anger, fear and the hatred I absorbed and how it warped my thinking and created self-defeating patterns. It seems that the moment I can stare this stuff head on is the moment I start to out grow my old patterns as well as I start to grow emotionally.Yes, exactly. Same here... and I've been thinking lately that maybe by the time I'm 50, I'll have reached the age of majority. Seriously. Seem to be finally outgrowing the mid-teen years (emotionally) - at last! And I think - wow, at age12 1/2, my son is experiencing some periodic growing pains in his legs and back. It can get really uncomfortable for him... and I can relate, because the emotional growing pains are no picnic either. Along with that, there's the irony of physical twinges and aches which have nothing to do with youth, but just the opposite. lol... life surely does come around full circle!!
And you wrote:
Carolyn -- the grace of God can feel that gap. When we spend time in prayer thinking about others or offering up warm intentions for people in this world who are suffering as well as the grace that we get from God in simple living and seeking truth fills our holes from when we did not get the love we needed.I know you're right, Lise.
Thank you. God help me remember.
This is what's kept me going through so many rough times, but I just really needed to hear it again. Simple living - by grace, through faith. More than anything, I want to say, with all assurance, that the old anger and hate will never disturb that simplicity again. Just seems like each time I get to thinking it's licked and done for, there it is again.
Day by day, that's all we can face, I guess.
And finally, I hear you about the need to cultivate love in your heart, even toward N-saint. Reflecting on your abortions in the light of the absolute forgiveness which you've received... well, it's a beautiful view, dear Lise, and I thank you most for sharing that. I see it as another example of God taking what the devil meant for evil and working it out for good... changing hearts and lives, just as He has worked through you to change me. Without a doubt, I know that our heavenly Father holds our precious ones in His tender hands... yours and mine. With a humble heart, the grieving and mourning and receiving of forgiveness do complete the picture... as with everything else, only by His grace.
I love you, Lise. Thanks for always being there... and for causing me to want to be here, too.
Carolyn
