Dear Lise,
Lately it seems there has just been so much to wake up to!
About respecting ourselves... the only way I ever knew to do that was via achievement - - and that, often by trying to do things in the most difficult way possible and by trying to fix everyone else's dilemmas by giving too much, too often, and too freely.
As this learned perfectionism gave way to practicality and I could no longer deny the impossibility of maintaining such stringent standards, what was left behind was a deep sense of relief - - and shame. Those two battled it out within me for ages and nearly tore me to shreds. I wasn't even so ashamed at not being able to do it all and do it well. I was ashamed at feeling relieved!
Also lately, each time I'd read you post about the work you have been doing in "healing, crying, hurting, reflecting and gaining insights" - I felt like someone had taken my hand and reassured me, "It's okay. You can step away from the fury and just sort through this stuff at your own pace. You're not negligent, or lazy, or hateful, or avoidant... you're just learning how to be."
I couldn't express all of that then, but the relief was palpable.
Only now can I verbalize it and that's because your motives have always touched my heart and my spirit in such a way as to dislodge both from old ruts.
Can you just feel yourself stretching emotionally and spiritually? I can. It's a new sort of limberness and flexibility. It's not a forceful thing at all, but just a lessening of that old sense of fragility.
You said that we can only receive the grace of God when our hearts are ready and open... and I agree. But it can sure be exhausting getting to that point, which is why I now so deeply appreciate the need for fellowship along the way. When two walk together and one falls, the other can help him up... amen. Isolation stops up that flow of grace, I see that now. As does refusing to extend grace to others, whether I feel like it or not. So many lessons and so far to go, but never alone again
Love and hugs,
Carolyn
