Just a theory... it just occurred to me, in conjunction with what you're saying about needs - and my own work on this topic...
I think that there is some magical thinking in our beliefs about these needs... that if we can fulfill other's expectations of us WELL enough... we'll be showing them the way to fulfill our needs. If we can anticipate, pre-empt... fill the need before the question is asked... that the "other person" will see how to do this and will WANT to do this for us...in return. (never worked that way with my parents...)
... but that asking for fulfillment of the need is taboo; it's speaking the unspeakable; unthinkable: that we ourselves are deserving, worthy of having our needs for connection, sharing, companionship, and love fulfilled. For those primary caregivers, this wasn't reality... only THEY were worthy, for whatever warped reason.
... and it's taboo because it points out - shines a bright light on - the fact that these people CAN'T return what we so obligingly, even desperately give them... in hopes that the favor will be returned. It's the prime malfunction, dysfunction of abusive families.
It's the prime malfunction because it's conditional love - it's commerce - you only get what you want/need when you fill my needs first... and sometimes, not even then... for whatever excuse.
And it's backed up with lots of fear; if you shine a bright light on them when it's "their turn" - it only makes them face the horror of their own lack (if they can even be self-aware enough to see it). And the result is punishment for shining that light. Repetition creates the deadly habits, patterns, cycles....
those cycles CAN be broken, recycled, thrown away...
and it's odd-funny: I can remember creating new ones (cycles) as a kid, even a very young kid... creating new ways to be a family, parents, a person... just an odd half-memory... but I think I've always known that I couldn't really fit into my FOO-role... trapped though I was. Guess that's why I've always been so miserable.