Weekend memory flashbacks

[Gaining Strength]

This weekend I got a last minute invitation for my son and me to the beach with my son's godfather.  It was a nice break and a great relief as we had NO plans and I was working on avoiding shame and humiliation of not having a place to go or anything to do.

While there, I had flash insights into the depths and levels of shame that have shackled me.  The effects have been powerful on miniscule little things like loading or unloading the dishwasher, sweeping the floor, going to sleep at night, getting up in the morning and on and on.  It was painful and helpful to see how bound I have been and how much progress I have made and how much more I have to make.

I am finding several postings here helpful.  Lupita's frustration with GFM and Gabben's post on Victim anger (getting back in touch with mine) and PR's thread.  This healing process is very cyclical.  I make great progress and then must dive deep into the muck again.  Each time lessening the load, each time processing more and more.  But I also go through a level of shame and denial.  The pain has lessened and is bearable but just barely. 

Some weeks ago I stopped taking anti-anxiety medicine but I am going to go back on.  I think it will help me.  After having a very productive weekend, today has been a complete waste.  I'm disappointed.

I have more to say but have found it more and more difficult to post for some strange reason.  Not sure what that is about. 

As always thankful for this place and all the people here.  I have a true need to write about my projects and my goals and my psychological struggle with money - the greatest shame there is.

Love to you all - Shame Slayer (Gaining Strength)

[Hopalong]

Bingo, (((SS)))...I'm with you all the way. Sorry today was "1 step back" but remember to do the math!

If you want to start a money thread, I'd be very interested.

xxxooo,
your cousin in fear-fighting,

Hops

[Gabben]

  Each time lessening the load, each time processing more and more.  But I also go through a level of shame and denial.  The pain has lessened and is bearable but just barely. 

Dear SS,

I hear you! Being in the wound is rough but it is also the place of healing. Do you find yourself seeing healthier behaviours the more you release the old memories and the old pains?

This weekend I noticed that my thoughts change automatically the more I reach down into my inner child and allow her voice to rise up telling me what it was like all of those years ago, sharing with me her secrets and untold story of pain. The light at the end of the tunnel is most definitely there in a big way. When I see myself respecting myself with more joy, taking in life in average ways doing peaceful average things then I know that I am getting better.

Hugs to you. I get a lot out of reading your posts because you are courageous in your openness -- it really helps, thank you.

Lise

[Ami]

Dear SS
 I am with you, on your journey. It sounds like you have made progress,  you are holding on to that. I hear your discouragement,too. I am there, right now, also.
 It just hurts and feels overwhelming at times.
 I admire your courage, SS, and your spunk.
 I ,so , wish this was easier. I wish I could make it easier for both of us, as well as all our struggling friends ,on here.
 My thoughts and prayers are with you,SS.   Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Something there is that sends fear in my bones when I come on-line and see posts to my thread.  I feel a fear and as I type I think I can identify what it is.  I suspect this is right because I feel shame in putting it down in words here - it is the fear that something in a post will require more than I can give.  That someone, anyone, everyone will post something that requires  something more than I will be able to give.  That is some deep, deep stuff that is buried way down - not good enough - gonna turn and leave me hanging sort of stuff.

With that said, I want to reply to the posts.  Strangely what I wrote above has nothing to do with the posts at all bt with the old gross stuff in my core.

Hops - but remember to do the math!  Thanks Hops.  I definitely see that I am moving forward and am very thankful for that.
If you want to start a money thread, I'd be very interested. I absolutely want to do this, need to do this and terrified of doing this.  So glad to have a partner in crime.

Gabben - the more I reach down into my inner child and allow her voice to rise up telling me what it was like all of those years ago, sharing with me her secrets and untold story of pain. This makes sense to me.  It sounds unpleasant like working on a painful injury - painful but necessary for complete healing.  Do I have the courage?

Hugs to you. I get a lot out of reading your posts because you are courageous in your openness -- it really helps, thank you. I figuratively look around to see who you could be talking to.  It surely can't be me.  But of course it is.  I am so glad that something that I have to say helps someone in addition to me.  I am so glad that some part of me has value.  It seems so odd but I am glad. Thanks for sharing that.

Ami - I ,so , wish this was easier. I wish I could make it easier for both of us, as well as all our struggling friends ,on here.
Me too Ami.  that is what I wish for all of us.  What greater wish could there be.

[Gaining Strength]

One night this weekend I had a dream.  I was riding in the car with my grandfather and my son.  My grandfather was quite a person.  He was well known in the legal community in our state and actually in the nation.  I could find people in every state who knew my grandfather.  He was always helpful but only in recent years have I come to understand the part of him that was somewhat lacking.  He was compassionate but he left life's understanding and instruction to fate.  He watched his daughters grow up and was present in their lives and in our lives but was not instructional - morally, financially, careerwise, socially, educationally -in any way.  The expectation was there that we were supposed to excel but the instruction as to how to do so was completely left out. 

anyway in this dream my grandfather asked me a question about the man I was seeing and I sat there pondering whether to lanswer his question honestly or not - knowing that an honest answer would illicit disapproval but a dishonest answer would likely be discovered and be met with disappointment, disapproval and distrust.  I opted for the former.  His eyes said it all but his lips uttered not a word.

In the haze of my sleep I reprocessed the dream and confronted him about his disapproval and rejection.  I told him that I needed his love and support in my life but that his clear but unspoken disapproval and rejection would have far reaching consequence for me.  It was such a strange feeling watching myself say the things that I should have had the strength to say so many years ago.  I watched as people I loved dismissed me over and over again.  That is a pain too deep to describe.

[Gaining Strength]

Here goes more.  I hate this process for so many reasons.  I hate it because I NEED someone to listen, to care and yet I fear the rejection that may come.  Suppose no one cares enough to comment, suppose no one understands what I am saying, suppose someone lashes out at me.  Suppose all of this stuff gets me nowhere.  Just suppose.

Last night I began "being" with all this shame, feeling it rather than trying to find a way to move it on.  Every now and then I actually had a flash of comfort and power.  It was like a brief vision into the room of the life I have been longing for.  This morning it happened again.  I think this is what is going to happen over and over again until the vision, the flash grows and grows and becomes stronger.

As I write I am becoming angrier and angrier, filled with rage.  I need my therapist,  I need my imaginary friends who support me and guide me no matter what.  I need a group to whom I belong - a 3-D group that I feel as comfortable as I do with this group.  I need a place I feel loved.  A group I can turn to for help and security.

[Ami]

Dear SS
 My intuition, as I read this, was that it is a big step for you to admit "need". It is a big step for you to admit "need" and see that you are still "standing" , still cared for and still intact. Maybe, I am wrong, but I could hear your trepidation.
 You are STILL worthwhile if you need s/thing, if you are "weak". Was that a big issue in your family, you were worthless if you were "weak"?
  The board really helps when you admit "shameful" things(in our own minds) and we find that we are still valued and cared for. Compost if this doesn't fit, friend. I am here, for you, always.   Love   Ami

(((((((((SS)))))))

[Certain Hope]

Something there is that sends fear in my bones when I come on-line and see posts to my thread.  I feel a fear and as I type I think I can identify what it is.  I suspect this is right because I feel shame in putting it down in words here - it is the fear that something in a post will require more than I can give.  That someone, anyone, everyone will post something that requires  something more than I will be able to give.  That is some deep, deep stuff that is buried way down - not good enough - gonna turn and leave me hanging sort of stuff.

SS,

This is very familiar to me... and I recognize that it's related to the sense of fearful paralysis I can experience around holidays/special events.
It's all about expectations and not wanting to disappoint anyone... and it's built on a faulty premise - a lie - which states that I must be able to be all things to all people.

Shoot down that lie and there's freedom to be the singularly unique individual you were created to be - one member of a body - whole and yet not the whole.... liberty to give and to receive, at your discretion.

I think you're doing wonderfully and just want you to know that everything you're sharing is of great benefit to me personally. Thank you!

With love,
Carolyn

[sKePTiKal]

Just a theory... it just occurred to me, in conjunction with what you're saying about needs - and my own work on this topic...

I think that there is some magical thinking in our beliefs about these needs... that if we can fulfill other's expectations of us WELL enough... we'll be showing them the way to fulfill our needs. If we can anticipate, pre-empt... fill the need before the question is asked... that the "other person" will see how to do this and will WANT to do this for us...in return. (never worked that way with my parents...)

... but that asking for fulfillment of the need is taboo; it's speaking the unspeakable; unthinkable: that we ourselves are deserving, worthy of having our needs for connection, sharing, companionship, and love fulfilled. For those primary caregivers, this wasn't reality... only THEY were worthy, for whatever warped reason.

... and it's taboo because it points out - shines a bright light on - the fact that these people CAN'T return what we so obligingly, even desperately give them... in hopes that the favor will be returned. It's the prime malfunction, dysfunction of abusive families.

It's the prime malfunction because it's conditional love - it's commerce - you only get what you want/need when you fill my needs first... and sometimes, not even then... for whatever excuse.

And it's backed up with lots of fear; if you shine a bright light on them when it's "their turn" - it only makes them face the horror of their own lack (if they can even be self-aware enough to see it). And the result is punishment for shining that light. Repetition creates the deadly habits, patterns, cycles....

those cycles CAN be broken, recycled, thrown away...

and it's odd-funny: I can remember creating new ones (cycles) as a kid, even a very young kid... creating new ways to be a family, parents, a person... just an odd half-memory... but I think I've always known that I couldn't really fit into my FOO-role... trapped though I was. Guess that's why I've always been so miserable.

[Gaining Strength]

Ami - You've got it.  That is exactly right.  And the whole reason that I wrote and then left the first part of this morning's post was that I recognize the need to "expose" my vulnerability and experience the safety of it.    I know that this house thing, this living in shambles is all about shame.  i can go to the beach and access my will and do and enjoy doing all the things that I can't, won't do at home.  I cooked, cleaned, did laundry - all without shame.  I was surprised and disappointed when I came home and fell immediately into that same old shaming paralysis.

When I was growing up the "needing" and/or "wanting" was just an opportunity to be shamed, to be denied, to be belittled.  I can trace it completely to an experience my father had as a child but tracing it and understanding the source and all that has not relieved me.  So now I am opening myself up, becoming vulnerable, experiencing and welcoming the shame.

Carolyn - thank you for your support and encouragement.  I have found that such words really move into my being and push me forward. Your words this morning are soothing and healing.  They reach in and touch that place that my parents words and thoughts should have touched but never did.

It's all about expectations and not wanting to disappoint anyone... and it's built on a faulty premise - a lie - which states that I must be able to be all things to all people. When i read these words I had a quick flash back to an experience this weekend.  There were two little girls staying with their families at their grandparents' house next door.  They loved playing with my son and one day they wanted to come in and play with him.  I offered them lunch and they were excited and said yes.  Then they decided that they wanted to go next door and change clothes before eating.  As i was fixing lunch I noticed that I had this fear - real fear - that they (these two little girls) would not find my lunch good enough.  When they left to go change I found myself afraid that they (two little girls) would not come back.  IOW I was so wrapped up in fear of rejection, fear of abandonment with two little girls.  I had a flash of understanding how those fears have permeated my life.  There is so much I could write about this but what was important to me was noticing this and realizing that the key was to be happy with who I am.  In an instant I saw how the fear had effected every relationship in my life, how it had controlled my thinking and my actions.  That evening as I was cooking I had a flash thought about how while cooking I felt left out of what else was being done.  I consciously shifted my thoughts into the Food Network and how much fun cooking looks on TV and in a flash I knew that the cooking felt for me like servitude.  THAT is what I am facing in my shame house - servitude.  The servitude immediately touches on money - with money I could purchase the help I need - without money I am stuck in servitude.  Servitude in my family was the shame place, the "not good enough" place, the "doesn't deserve the good stuff" place.  This is the stuff that I have to get into and feel and move through.  I hope to rout into this further today.

PR - boy - that stuff just hits me in the gut.  It will take me more than once to process your post because it transported me back immediately to my early 20s and my first marriage.  That whole magical thinking stuff and the turmoil of it all.  I can hardly even think or feel.  I literally feel like I am caught in the ocean in a whirlpool.  Boy do that hurt.  I'll come back to it.  I love that you share where you are.  I always find it helpful to hear about what you are going through.  It is always something that I need to process as well.  Thank you.

[sKePTiKal]

You're welcome! (I think - it sounds like what I wrote was overwhelming - for that I'm sorry!)

And if you don't get around to working with this, my feelings won't be hurt. That was just what came to me, reading where you are and it mixed around with what I'm working on... sounds like you've got more than enough to work with at present, as it is!

I think I'm starting to tackle the way these cycles function; to dismantle the inevitable procession; to throw a monkey wrench into the works of the dysfunctional process that I myself set up, cause to happen...so I can try something new, different -  at least I hope so! 

It's a wonderful bit of progress that you're making these days, you know? Seeing those cycles, processes in the present is the first step to being able to try something different and freedom from the patterns, conditioning... the connection of cooking to servitude - and the associated feelings - is an excellent bit of "detective" work!

I wonder: if it's possible when seeing something like that, if one could simply love that "bad" feeling away - like we would with one of our own children? It's something I want to try...

[Gaining Strength]

(I think - it sounds like what I wrote was overwhelming - for that I'm sorry!)
Don't apologize!! It was powerful and emotionally triggering.  That is exactly what I need.  I am at a place that the more I get triggered the deeper I can dig.  It is exactly what I need.  I need to know where the emotional power is.  It helps me find the memory place I need to work.  Thank you so much.  And thanks beyond words for sharing this journey with me.  I do not feel so all alone here.  When I am processing some of this stuff during the day or late I night I think of you and other here and know that I am not alone.  That is such a different feeling from what I have experienced for so long.

t, if one could simply love that "bad" feeling away
I think there is great merit in this concept.  I think that is the way to allow this dark stuff to come to the surface so that it can then be "loved" and never again repressed.

[Hopalong]

I know that this house thing, this living in shambles is all about shame.  i can go to the beach and access my will and do and enjoy doing all the things that I can't, won't do at home.  I cooked, cleaned, did laundry - all without shame.  I was surprised and disappointed when I came home and fell immediately into that same old shaming paralysis.

I understand this absolutely, at a gut level, SS. I have always loved doing the dishes and tidying up at other people's houses. It's as though I think they deserve the help, but I don't. That's a thought to battle back.

I think you're doing amazing work and healing. I am so consistently awed by your deep, deep honesty and determination, SS. You really do inspire me. It's no small heap you're digging out of but your determined shovel-bites really ARE dismantling the mountain. Under it is simplicity, and permission to be. Permission to live. Permission to be present. Permission to enjoy being alive. Permission to receive spring rain, sweet sunshine, scents of flowers, the hugs from your sweet son. Permission to know that one tidy square foot is as beautiful as a whole Clean Sweep.

Permission to receive. Permission to be. However you are. Permission to be afraid, vulnerable, weak. All that granted, you can then let surface your courage, strength, perseverance.

(Which are all very obvious to me.)

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I am drinking in the generous gift of your words hops, a gift that in the past I could not receive because it did not come from the source I longed for.  But now I receive them and they have the  power of the surrogate and the gift is real.

Things are swirling in my brain.  Shame, paralysis, powerlessness.   POWERLESSNESS.  The powerlessness comes from the shame and leads to the  powerlessness.  This is the connection I need.   

Money = power.  Waiting, hoping for mother to give money.  Mother gets power out of denying me.  Long ago let go of hope of receiving power from father.  but took on powerlessness.  took on shame.  took on worthlessness.  took on undeservng.  Close to shattering shackles.  can almost taste it.  thankful for weekend free of the cruppling problems.  If I can spend a weekend free then I am oh so close.  Can't wait.  Finally free of shame of paralysis.  That is huge in the healing process.  So close to snapping the curse.

So much insentive based on avoiding shame.  Must move into positive incentive - chasing what I desire.  That has never been a motivator for all the reasons expressed before.  I absolutely must shift from shame-avoidance as a motivator to goal setting as a motivator.  That shift will free me or is it the other way around - being free will make t possible to set and reach goals?