The authentic self

[darren]

I seem to spend a lot of time looking for ways to stop avoiding my feelings and get in touch with them, but when I finally find myself getting a glimpse of the things I haven't been facing I see how big and serious it all really is.  The things I've been hiding, and out of touch with, are just absolutely terrifying.  I'm at a time where I recognize the things ahead of me that I have to face are very horrible.  Its going to be painful.  Half the time I feel like I'm trying to find that fire to jump in it, and the other half its just coming for me and I'm running out of ways to hide from it. 

It really sucks.

I've been told and I believe that I will be better off for it by not running away and facing it.  Despite the pain there are things to gain, and somebody told me that a feeling never killed anybody... and its true.  But it feels like death. 

[Hopalong]

Darren, there's a kind of radical FEE-FREE counseling organization I sometimes suggest to people who are in great pain.
I do not believe in all the things the organization teaches. Some of it is, to me, pure hooey. BUT -- what they offer is a safe confidential space in which to be heard and held while you express deep deep pain and grief. And the release of that is wonderful. I have found nothing but very nice people involved. I quit only because I was offended by some of the theory, but I have very positive memories of how therapeutic many of the sessions were.

Anyway, check out Co-Counseling or Re-evaluation Counseling, if you're interested. (And read both the official web site and the critical ones. Then you'll be confident in your own judgement and can take what you need and leave the rest.)

hugs
Hops

[darren]

Darren, there's a kind of radical FEE-FREE counseling organization I sometimes suggest to people who are in great pain.
I do not believe in all the things the organization teaches. Some of it is, to me, pure hooey. BUT -- what they offer is a safe confidential space in which to be heard and held while you express deep deep pain and grief. And the release of that is wonderful. I have found nothing but very nice people involved. I quit only because I was offended by some of the theory, but I have very positive memories of how therapeutic many of the sessions were.

Anyway, check out Co-Counseling or Re-evaluation Counseling, if you're interested. (And read both the official web site and the critical ones. Then you'll be confident in your own judgement and can take what you need and leave the rest.)

hugs
Hops

Thanks for sharing that =)  Finding ways to face it all and make it easier is a great idea.  I've seen lots of hokey stuff out there but they all seem to have something valuable and important to gain.  Maybe eventually I"ll piece them all together into my crazy theory.  Its a great suggestion though.

It would be tough though, as crying and getting emotional or sharing any emotions with other people would be very difficult for me.  The thought of that is even quote scary.  Maybe thats all the more reason to look into it.  I've noticed lately that its probably something I'm missing in my life.

[Ami]

Dear Darren
  I am reading the Primal Scream which tells how we stuffed our feelings,in the first place and how to heal them. I am not stuffing my feelings anymore(try not to). It is very important to have a friend or therapist who will help you as you feel these repressed and suppressed feelings. It IS really, really scary.
 I would read Alice Miller and the Primal Scream by Janov and find another person who can walk with you through these very real  emotions,which will heal you if they are felt(IME)  Love   Ami

[Iphi]

I understand what you mean darren and feel the same.  It is only very recently that I am coming to recognize the intense negativity that is part of my consciousness.  I have only squinted at it out of the corner of my eyes and then metaphorically squinched eyes shut again.  But I am committed to growth and reality so - that's where the road goes - through there.

I read a concept that I found helpful to rely on.  It was in a yoga book written by a therapist who is into yoga.  I don't think the concept is actually from yoga, I think it was from zen buddhism or something - but just was part of the book's discussion of accepting yourself and reality.  Anyway here it is --

The author wrote about 'the reality project' which is his name for our growth in ability to see and accept reality.  He wrote that most people focus mainly on increasing awareness of reality, and that is one of the key parts of the 'reality project.'  But the other key, essential part, is to increase our ability of 'calm abiding' - to be able to have room and space of calmness within ourselves that is larger than the upsettingness of the reality we become aware of.  So we want to always develop our capacity to be a field of calmness that is larger than the upsettingness.

Or at least that is what I took away from the book!  It was called Yoga and the Quest for the True Self by Stephen Cope, if you want to look at it, but really I just wanted to share that concept of developing our safety and caring with ourselves which is part of the equanimity and calmness we seek.

Sometimes I think it is about learning how to grow our spirits. 

[darren]

Thanks Ami!  I certainly do need to allow more people into my life and learn to accept the help that people have to offer in better ways.

I understand what you mean darren and feel the same.  It is only very recently that I am coming to recognize the intense negativity that is part of my consciousness.  I have only squinted at it out of the corner of my eyes and then metaphorically squinched eyes shut again.  But I am committed to growth and reality so - that's where the road goes - through there.

I read a concept that I found helpful to rely on.  It was in a yoga book written by a therapist who is into yoga.  I don't think the concept is actually from yoga, I think it was from zen buddhism or something - but just was part of the book's discussion of accepting yourself and reality.  Anyway here it is --

The author wrote about 'the reality project' which is his name for our growth in ability to see and accept reality.  He wrote that most people focus mainly on increasing awareness of reality, and that is one of the key parts of the 'reality project.'  But the other key, essential part, is to increase our ability of 'calm abiding' - to be able to have room and space of calmness within ourselves that is larger than the upsettingness of the reality we become aware of.  So we want to always develop our capacity to be a field of calmness that is larger than the upsettingness.

Or at least that is what I took away from the book!  It was called Yoga and the Quest for the True Self by Stephen Cope, if you want to look at it, but really I just wanted to share that concept of developing our safety and caring with ourselves which is part of the equanimity and calmness we seek.

Sometimes I think it is about learning how to grow our spirits. 

Thats great!  The whole spirituality thing has already helped me in many ways and I'd love to explore it more.  I've been told this before, but I seem to have quite a problem with letting negative thoughts become my entire reality.  Thanks for sharing I really do find this useful. 

[Gaining Strength]

I look forward to reading about your process here Darren.  I suspect i have much to learn and reading how others go through this is very, very helpful.  Good luck to you.