Hello All:
It's been a little while since I have posted...although I have been reading some of the posts. It is an absolutely gorgeous June day here---sunny and warm and colorful----just the opposite of how I am feeling inside.
I have posted in the past that I struggled for a long time in finding a new job...I was offered one (even though it was not one I would feel good about) and started the new job about 3 months ago. It has turned out to be just nightmarish. I have had to work every night and every weekend since I started. More than 25 percen of the staff has left in the last 8 months; others are looking. Mostly, it is because of my boss who is "surprise"----a true narcissist. But she is the kind who is just plain mean. She treats others with total disrespect. She is dismissive of others and believes she (or those she newly hires) are the only people who are competent or hard working. She has made everyone's job there a living hell. I have once again had to job search which is deep disappointment for me.
My narcissistic mother and co-D dad just came back from a long vacation with my N sis (they spend every holiday, vacation and weekend with her) as I've said before. Of course, they insisted I take them and pick them up from the airport and handle other similar duties.
I suppose, overall, I am feeling deeply sad over all of this. It seems the scales of my life never balance....the "bad" or "negative" always far outweigh anything positive. Recently, I had a "reading" which I do from time to time...and was told that perhaps I should try to express my "anger"....I noted that I never (or very, very rarely) express anger.....but that mostly (with my narcissistic family), I feel just incredible loss and pain and hurt, which I internalize.....I suppose it's because except on rare occasions, my N family never really expressed anger. My N sister and Nmom would---but only when they weren't getting what they want-----which was rare in my family.
I guess I figured that yelling or screaming wouldn't solve anything....and it would just cause more tension and anxiety. It seems like everyone around me moves ahead with positive things or people.....and I am always left struggling with the negative circumstances of my life.
Mostly, I feel lonely and sad----not so much angry. Although, I must say I do feel resentful at my Nparents. I'm resentful that they never cared about me, took interest in me or care about what I am currently going through.
So, like many, I keep struggling with this N issue.....It seems like it follows me wherever I go...Nparents, N bosses...I'm wondering if it's just because I'm so aware of what narcissism is now or if, indeed, true narcissism is a much more pervasive illness than anyone ever talks about. It is so damaging though!
Anyway, just a little vent today I'm afraid......Hope all of you are doing better and moving forward.....Sounds like some of you indeed are.
Thanks for listening.....
Sunblue
