Author Topic: A letter to my mom  (Read 2728 times)

tayana

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A letter to my mom
« on: June 16, 2008, 10:07:01 AM »
Last week, I received a letter from my mom after three months of no contact.  I haven't spoken with her since my son was on Spring Break.  The last time I talked to her she hung up on me.  Since then, with my T's support, I have continued the no contact rule, even going so far as to not contact my brother.  My T recommended letting my family contact me.  So, my girlfriend and I have moved an entire house in my small SUV.  We had no help moving, just the two of us and some ingenuity.  I didn't ask my family for help.  The one time I asked my brother for help, he hedged around and made an excuse not to.  Money is very tight right now, and we decided to save ourselves money by not renting a moving truck or hiring movers since we had two months to move.

My mother was very angry that I had bought a house without her help or permission.  I'm sure she will accuse me of several wrongdoings.  In fact her letter started out:  I don't know what your problem is, but I do know that you need to think of M also.  You may not want to see or talk to your family, but he needs his after all.  You grew up with a family and M just got started.  He has enough problems and needs all the love and support of his family.

She continues:

I'm glad you got a house and hope you will be happy.  Our only wish is for you to be happy, but I bring one thing up.  Remember when J went with B.  You hated her and resented your brother.  Well your son is in the same position.  I hope you stop and think what you're doing to him.  As you take him from his family and as he grows up I'm afraid he will grow to resent you and your troubles will just begin, not to mention the hard time he will have at school

The rest of the letter tells me how much she loves and that she was sending some things she'd bought for Mother's Day.  On my partner's advice, I wrote a letter in response.  Here is what it says, sorry if it's long.  I'd like to know what everyone else thinks.  My original letter was three pages long and very angry.  My partner helped me rewrite it.

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   I appreciate the Mother's Day gift.  The towels will work great in my new kitchen.  M also appreciated the shorts.  I am glad you took the time to write me a letter, and I think it is important that you listen to my response.  I want you to be aware of my feelings, and I would like for you to attempt to understand how I feel.

   I have not been contacting you all for a couple of reasons.  The first, and most important, is the conversation you had with M the last time you saw him.  I don't know what you said to M, but I do know that it hurt him.  He cried over it, and he felt bad.  He told me you told him not to let H move in with us.  A decision like that is not something an 11 year old needs to make.  He felt like you were telling him to choose sides.  He was torn between his loyalty for me and also for you.  It made him worry and feel anxious and regress in the progress he had made.  M feels like the problems between us are his fault.  He feels like he can't talk to me about his fears and worries because doing so betrays you.  He also feels like he can't talk to you about his life because it betrays me.  He should not have to be put in this position.  It's not healthy for him.

   I know you think I am keeping him from you, but I have asked him many times if he wants to see you.  He says he doesn't want to choose between us.  He says he misses you but doesn't want to see you right now.  I have not said anything bad about you to him.  I have never kept him from calling, writing, or asking to see you.  I have never told him you are an awful person or that you hate me or that I hate you.  M is a lot smarter than you give him credit for, and he's also far more perceptive than you think.

   I miss my family.  I have spent three months thinking that you didn't want me because I'm gay, and I think that's the issue here.  M told me that he told you about H, and you told him you knew what was going on.  So I am assuming that you know I am a lesbian, and H is my partner. I love her.  I believe I know your opinion about queers.  You have made it very clear to me on many occasions.  That is what has made it so hard for me to tell you I am gay.  've wanted to tell you for a long time, but when you go on and on about how bad those queers are, and how they shouldn't be around kids, etc, I didn't feel as if I could tell you.  Being gay was one of the reasons I wanted to move out.  I didn't feel like I could be me, and I wanted to be able to live like the person I am and not have to hide behind lies.  If you think I've made this "decision" because of D, you're very wrong.  It's not a decision.  It's how I am.  It's how I've always been, and how I will always be.  I was gay when I was 15 and asked you how you'd feel if I were gay.  I was gay in college when my roommate was a lesbian, and I was around her and her gay friends.  I just wasn't quite able to admit it to myself.  It was there all along, and when I finally was able to admit it, a great weight lifted off my shoulders.  I'd spent years thinking there was something wrong with me because I just didn't feel about guys the way I was supposed to.  I experimented with D because he was interested, and no one had ever been interested in me.  I didn't love him, and yes, he hurt me, but the truth is, I just wanted someone to love me.  I wasn't ready to admit the truth to myself.

   At this point you now know for sure that you  have a gay daughter, and I want you to know that is not going to change.  It is not a phase or a choice, and it is now your decision to accept me for who I am.  Accepting me also means accepting my partner.  She is now part of my family.  We have asked M if he would like to see you.  He responded that he wanted H and I to come as well.  I told him I didn't think H would be welcome, so I didn't want to go.  He said he didn't want to come without me.

   In the last few months I have been truly happy.  I now understand that my needs and feelings are important.  In the past I have let you  make me feel bad and second guess my decisions, but I'm not going to let you do that any longer.  I have decided to make decisions based on my feelings and what is best for M and me.  For example, M is encouraged to talk to us about his feelings, and we make sure he understands that his feelings are important.   He's not left out.  We make sure he feels loved.  We give him responsibilities, and he helps around the house.  M LIKES our arrangement.  He doesn't care that his mother is gay.  He loves me anyway.  He really likes Heather, and she's been a great influence on him.  M is happy that our family has grown, and we have a lot of fun together.

   In your letter, you stated that you thought M would have problems at school.  I am not sure what you mean.  Do you mean problems because he has a gay parent, or problems related to his Asperger's.  As far as problems associated with a gay parent, he's told several of his friends that H was my girlfriend.  They didn't care.  His teacher knew, and she didn't care.  As far as problems related to Asperger's, M is doing really well.  He had his best quarter at school fourth quarter.  He was happier.  He was getting all of his work done.  He had made some new friends.  We went to skate night, and he got out and skated with his friends.  They just rallied around him, and helped him out until he was able to skate.  H and I watched his "egg drop" project at school, and his class cheered for him.  He is going to a couple of camps and several vacation Bible schools to help with his social skills.  He is also taking Tae Kwon Do, and he really enjoys it.  Overall, he is doing very well.

   In your letter, I noticed you didn't ask how we are doing.  You simply made accusations and assumptions.  I know that it has to be difficult for you finding out you have a gay daughter, but accusations and assumptions aren't going to help the situation.  One of the other things I have decided is that communication travels in two directions.  I noticed that I was the one making the phone calls and coming to see you.  I decided to let you make the next move.  I have the same phone numbers, and I didn't receive any calls from you.  I figured you needed some time.  I was surprised to find your package.  I thought you wouldn't talk to me again.  You did say that you love M and I in your letter, and we love you too.  The hard part is that things have changed and will continue to change. 

   I want you in our lives, but if I have to be someone I'm not for my family to be in my life, then maybe the silence should continue.  I would be glad to visit or talk on the phone, but please remember, my life now includes H.  I won't visit if she is not also welcome.  Perhaps we could meet someplace for lunch or dinner and you could meet and talk to her.  You can accept me as a gay daughter, and accept that I'm not going to change or you can sacrifice our relationship.  I'm not going to be made to feel guilty for not calling or visiting.  I'm not going to be made to feel like I'm a horrible parent because I've allowed M to do things you disagree with.  I'm no longer going to be shamed into doing what you want.  I am no longer going to let you criticize my every decision and action, and I won't accept the blame for all of the wrongs that happen between us.  Our family has problems and issues just like all other families, and it's time we stop ignoring them and move on. 
   
I have been learning to be more confident, and that I actually matter.  I am instilling those values in M as well.  We are both becoming optimists and are happier than we've ever been.  I would like for you to share that happiness, but the choice is yours.  I am going to be very clear and frank.  If you would like to have M and I in your life, Heather comes as well.  You will not be allowed to contradict my parenting, to baby or belittle, or control anyone's thoughts and feelings but your own.  You will not make homosexual slurs or remarks, especially if you are alone with M.  You will not tell M your feelings about H and I or put him in any type of position to choose sides.  He should be able to love us all equally.  If you can do all of these things, feel free to give me a call to set up a time when we can all meet someplace neutral.   Remember, if at any time during contact these things happen, I will feel forced to reestablish the silence.  I love you, and the ball is now in your court.  You need to decide what happens next.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

jordanspeeps

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2008, 11:26:45 AM »
Hi Tayana,

This must be a difficult time for you and I hope you find peace and happiness for yourself and for your son.  I normally remain in lurk-land and assume that someone, at some point, will give you the advice and thoughtful insight you need but I just couldn't help making a comment on this letter.  While exhaustive and freeing for you, I honestly believe it will not do much to affect any change in your mother's perception or treatment of you. Especially if she's an N.  She will take the most intimate and heartfelt details of the letter and later abuse you with them.  I, have written many a letter to my Nmom, similar to yours, where I felt I've given a good explanation and gotten a lot off my shoulders, so to speak.  They almost always blow up in my face like a granade.  I've since learned to write the letter for catharsis, and file it away with my journals for my own information, to help serve as my memory per se, the next time I get caught up in one of her psuedo-apologies or moments of psuedo-atonement.  It's a trick that she even called you in the first place.  I would say to you in advice, (and by all means do what is on your heart, my friend), keep the letter for you.  She does not deserve to know your inner sensibilites any more, she will use them to wage psychological warfare on you and you may grow to regret ever bothering to send it.  Enjoy your son and your partner and your new life and just give your mother a short, and indifferent thanks for the mother's day gift and move on.  She is very well aware of what she did/did not do to/for you and your son.  Don't validate your misery to her, it will only feed the Nmom's flames and make her do it to you even more.  Experience has taught me that.  Take care and it's a great letter whether you chose to send it or not. 

Take care,T
Tiffany

tayana

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2008, 11:45:56 AM »
Hey Tiffany,

My partner wants me to send this letter, and so I will.  I tried to explain to her that it will do nothing, but she doesn't understand.  Her parents aren't N's.

I know that her letter was a trick just to make me feel guilty.  My partner said that at least she told me she loved me, but I can just hear my mother's voice writing those words.  There's nothing loving or caring about it.

So, we'll just have to see what happens.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Gaining Strength

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2008, 12:33:52 PM »
Tayana - An excellent letter!!!!!  Beautifully written - without anger, very straightforward and deliberate.  I am so proud of you.

I want to make a couple of comments about your mother's letter to you.

You wrote:
My mother was very angry that I had bought a house without her help or permission.  
That is so sad.  Of course she needs to understand that you don't need her permission but the great thing is that YOU have broken that chain that she attached.  Though I know you would love to have her support and unfettered help, it is clear that you have learned to get what you need even though she doesn't freely give you support and encouragement.  You have broken that chain and it was not easy.  Way to go.  Oh I know it doesn't come without cost. I know it is still very, very painful that she cannot be the mother you need.  But still you are taking care of yourself and doing it very well.

I'm glad you got a house and hope you will be happy.  Our only wish is for you to be happy, but I bring one thing up.  Remember when J went with B.  You hated her and resented your brother.  Well your son is in the same position.  I hope you stop and think what you're doing to him.  As you take him from his family and as he grows up I'm afraid he will grow to resent you and your troubles will just begin, not to mention the hard time he will have at school

This paragraph in particular shows her hand.  "My only wish is for you to be happy BUT ...."  Really, that says it all.  The rest of it is an acknowledgement (without owning it) that she has great regrets about her parenting and her mistakes.  But rather than own them she is projecting them on to YOUR parenting of M.  But the way you parent M has NOTHING to do with her mistakes.  She can't/won't see that and is looking at you and M through her own lenses of her life, her mistakes.  This is such Nish behavior and it is straight forward projection.  I so admire you for not taking it on.  Your letter is straightforward and clear.  The choice to be in your life is hers. 

You are doing a great job.  I am so proud of the way you are handling things.  I truly believe that things will get better and better for you and that your are making very good decisions for yourself and for M.  The way you describe M's life in your letter to your mother reflects what a good mother you are.  And think about this - how in the world did you learn to mother well - not from YOUR mother.  You have something more than she could ever have and she appears to resent that.

tayana

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2008, 02:00:42 PM »
Shame Slayer,

I was very bummed by the sudden appearance of a package of stuff and the enclosed letter.  My partner told me to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I wasn't so much feeling sorry for myself as I was hearing what was embedded between the lines of my mom's letter.  It was the scorn and disapproval and the realization that no matter what I do or accomplish, nothing is going to change.  If I re-establish contact, it will be the same song and dance.  I know without a doubt that while my mother might be nice as pie while I'm in her presence that she will bad mouth me to everyone who listens.  Having never met my family, my partner doesn't really understand.  She did meet my brother, but without my parents present.

I think in a way I did learn to mother from her.  I learned what not to do.  I know my mother is very resentful and jealous of me, and I don't think that will ever change.  Quite honestly, I don't think I will hear from her once she gets the letter, but I might be surprised.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

jordanspeeps

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2008, 04:58:08 PM »
Tayana,

I respect and understand your decision to send the letter.  I know what drives your partner and you to know what her response would be to such a level-headed line of discussion.  For the sake of exploring all the angles consider this: Your mother may consider any form of response to her letter, in it's very existence, a huge sign of disrespect.  She may consider your explanations and questions towards her, offensive in the highest order and quickly assume the role of the victim and twist your words (yes, even your written word) in such a way that it looks like you are attacking her, for merely being "concerned" about your son.  It is trickery of the highest order, especially if the words you've written can in any way be misconstrued and turned against you to discredit you.  She may view the letter as revenge on your part and have you appear to be cruel in the face of her vulnerability and kindness.  You know from history that even the slightest signs of independent thought send her into a tizzy. 

For her great act of goodness, (the towels that match the decor: you really have to give it to her, though, she went out of her way NOT to give the typical Ngift: one that is pointless, matches nothing, and oft offends some sensibility :x), the last thing she'll expect is a "retaliation letter".  It will cause her to have to then mount a response, and trust me, it will not be another "I love you".  And if revenge or retaliation is deep down, what you want in sending the letter, (and, oh, yeah, I've been there before as well,), then there are better ways to do that, ms. t !! :wink: Just succeed in your new life and help your son flourish and maintain a healthy relationship. That will be the single best way to prove to her who and what you really are, a darn good mother, independent, valuable, and worthy. best to you in all your decisions and please keep us posted.  Tiffany

lighter

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2008, 05:00:50 PM »
Tay.... I believe the act of writing that letter will help you.

Whether you send it or not......

I don't think it matters one way or the other.

Your mother will never hear you, dear.

She can't.

Lighter

tayana

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2008, 05:36:48 PM »
Jordan, the fact that the towels matched was a fluke. 

Yes, she will play the victim.  The letter is mostly for me, not for her.  I know exactly how she's going to respond.  At least this way, I get to have my say.

I'm not interested in revenge or retaliation.  I just want to be free, if that makes sense.  I don't want her looming over me like some big monster about to devour me.  That's rather how I perceive her.  I'm more interested in making the best of what I have now, even though it's not perfect.  My mother went on and on about how M would resent me for keeping him from her, but he doesn't.  He certainly doesn't resent me for introducing another person into his life.

Lighter, I know she won't hear me or understand.  That really bothers me, even though I know it shouldn't. 
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

lighter

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2008, 07:48:32 PM »
I think it would be impossible for it not to bother you..... or anyone, tay.

Of course you're going to be bothered by it.

I didn't say.... "Don't be bothered."

I said..... "It won't matter if you send the letter, your NM will never hear you."

She also is never going to validate your feelings.... she's going to keep snowing you and posing as the victim.

Take this if you want or not but.... It might help to sink deeply into the sadness of tay at at 2yo and 4 and 8yo tay......

let those little voices tell her mama how it felt to not to be loved the way she deserved.

Let those little voices keen and wail and rock and really experience that until they feel heard.

All of it.

Every rotten spot left by having a "not good enough" mama.

You'll never have a good enough mama.....

she'll never fill your needs or love you the way you deserve.

Let your 2yo tay know you'll always be there for he, on that she can count....

and you'll find worthy family members to share your and M's lives with.

You've already found a loving giving partner..... and her family.

The saying goes.....

(I know I say it a lot, but, once again...)

"It's hope that kills us."

I don't think you can be less bothered until you've walked into the pain, even though it feels it might kill you.....

and come out on the other side.

Most people can't subject themselves to that kind of pain.....

but you.....

I've already seen you walk through some darned hot fires, my dear.

Someone said a T told them, a while back on the board....

"Your mother is dead."

Yikes....

but....

ya.

It's almost like you have to go that far, IMO. 

And that.... is only my opinion, for what it's worth.

As always, consider the source and file appropriately.

(((tay)))

Lighter

Izzy_*now*

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #9 on: June 16, 2008, 07:53:50 PM »
hi tay,

I am thinking about the other women here, older than you, who have/had Nmothers on their deathbeds.

Can you look forward into the future when your mother becomes old and helpless? Will you keep the NC? Will you look after her? Can you leave her to die alone?

I expect, at this point that she is younger than I am and up to age 59 I felt as young as could be. 60 was a turning point, then this broken leg was another.

Can she look after herself or is she needy? Ought agreements be made when both are in your "right' minds?

All because you said this:
That really bothers me, even though I know it shouldn't. 

Respecfully
Izzy

"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

lighter

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #10 on: June 16, 2008, 07:57:47 PM »
Tay... you know M and you know what's best for him.

Don't let your mother keep twisting your guts with guilt she keeps making up for her own benefit.

YOU KNOW YOUR SON...

bc you're a good mama.

She's been using him against you and manipulating him for years.....

like a damn game.

Take care of M, do not heed her confusion.....

you KNOW he's OK without her.

In fact, he's much better off.

Lighter

ps  Izzy.

You aren't an N mother.

You're not going to be a burden on your daughter, either.

Lighter

Gaining Strength

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Re: A letter to my mom
« Reply #11 on: June 16, 2008, 10:43:54 PM »
My partner told me to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I wasn't so much feeling sorry for myself as I was hearing what was embedded between the lines of my mom's letter.

This breaks my heart because though I know you really care about H, there is a part of you that she does not seem capable or perhaps willing to try to understand. Just the line, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself." feels like a kick in the stomach.  It wasn't until last year that I finally understood why I STILL felt sorry for myself - because as a child when I needed sympathy and compassion there never was any and that continued at every stage of my life when I needed my mothers compassion and sympathy or to use a Dr. Phil ism, a safe harbor, I had no place to go - except to myself.  I wish for you that she can begin to give you the sympathy that you need and never received from your mother.

  It was the scorn and disapproval and the realization that no matter what I do or accomplish, nothing is going to change.  If I re-establish contact, it will be the same song and dance.  I know without a doubt that while my mother might be nice as pie while I'm in her presence that she will bad mouth me to everyone who listens.  Having never met my family, my partner doesn't really understand.

The things you wrote about your mother are words that I spoke about mine just today.  What I pray for you is that your partner can somehow develop the empathy and compassion to understand where you are coming for.  You may be different from me but I am sure that I need in a partner someone who is at least WILLING to try to understand about my FOO.  Without that, they simply won't ever really know me and support me.

You have my sympathy all the way around and hope you continue to grow and strengthen and find your peace.