Last week, I received a letter from my mom after three months of no contact. I haven't spoken with her since my son was on Spring Break. The last time I talked to her she hung up on me. Since then, with my T's support, I have continued the no contact rule, even going so far as to not contact my brother. My T recommended letting my family contact me. So, my girlfriend and I have moved an entire house in my small SUV. We had no help moving, just the two of us and some ingenuity. I didn't ask my family for help. The one time I asked my brother for help, he hedged around and made an excuse not to. Money is very tight right now, and we decided to save ourselves money by not renting a moving truck or hiring movers since we had two months to move.
My mother was very angry that I had bought a house without her help or permission. I'm sure she will accuse me of several wrongdoings. In fact her letter started out: I don't know what your problem is, but I do know that you need to think of M also. You may not want to see or talk to your family, but he needs his after all. You grew up with a family and M just got started. He has enough problems and needs all the love and support of his family.
She continues:
I'm glad you got a house and hope you will be happy. Our only wish is for you to be happy, but I bring one thing up. Remember when J went with B. You hated her and resented your brother. Well your son is in the same position. I hope you stop and think what you're doing to him. As you take him from his family and as he grows up I'm afraid he will grow to resent you and your troubles will just begin, not to mention the hard time he will have at school
The rest of the letter tells me how much she loves and that she was sending some things she'd bought for Mother's Day. On my partner's advice, I wrote a letter in response. Here is what it says, sorry if it's long. I'd like to know what everyone else thinks. My original letter was three pages long and very angry. My partner helped me rewrite it.
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I appreciate the Mother's Day gift. The towels will work great in my new kitchen. M also appreciated the shorts. I am glad you took the time to write me a letter, and I think it is important that you listen to my response. I want you to be aware of my feelings, and I would like for you to attempt to understand how I feel.
I have not been contacting you all for a couple of reasons. The first, and most important, is the conversation you had with M the last time you saw him. I don't know what you said to M, but I do know that it hurt him. He cried over it, and he felt bad. He told me you told him not to let H move in with us. A decision like that is not something an 11 year old needs to make. He felt like you were telling him to choose sides. He was torn between his loyalty for me and also for you. It made him worry and feel anxious and regress in the progress he had made. M feels like the problems between us are his fault. He feels like he can't talk to me about his fears and worries because doing so betrays you. He also feels like he can't talk to you about his life because it betrays me. He should not have to be put in this position. It's not healthy for him.
I know you think I am keeping him from you, but I have asked him many times if he wants to see you. He says he doesn't want to choose between us. He says he misses you but doesn't want to see you right now. I have not said anything bad about you to him. I have never kept him from calling, writing, or asking to see you. I have never told him you are an awful person or that you hate me or that I hate you. M is a lot smarter than you give him credit for, and he's also far more perceptive than you think.
I miss my family. I have spent three months thinking that you didn't want me because I'm gay, and I think that's the issue here. M told me that he told you about H, and you told him you knew what was going on. So I am assuming that you know I am a lesbian, and H is my partner. I love her. I believe I know your opinion about queers. You have made it very clear to me on many occasions. That is what has made it so hard for me to tell you I am gay. 've wanted to tell you for a long time, but when you go on and on about how bad those queers are, and how they shouldn't be around kids, etc, I didn't feel as if I could tell you. Being gay was one of the reasons I wanted to move out. I didn't feel like I could be me, and I wanted to be able to live like the person I am and not have to hide behind lies. If you think I've made this "decision" because of D, you're very wrong. It's not a decision. It's how I am. It's how I've always been, and how I will always be. I was gay when I was 15 and asked you how you'd feel if I were gay. I was gay in college when my roommate was a lesbian, and I was around her and her gay friends. I just wasn't quite able to admit it to myself. It was there all along, and when I finally was able to admit it, a great weight lifted off my shoulders. I'd spent years thinking there was something wrong with me because I just didn't feel about guys the way I was supposed to. I experimented with D because he was interested, and no one had ever been interested in me. I didn't love him, and yes, he hurt me, but the truth is, I just wanted someone to love me. I wasn't ready to admit the truth to myself.
At this point you now know for sure that you have a gay daughter, and I want you to know that is not going to change. It is not a phase or a choice, and it is now your decision to accept me for who I am. Accepting me also means accepting my partner. She is now part of my family. We have asked M if he would like to see you. He responded that he wanted H and I to come as well. I told him I didn't think H would be welcome, so I didn't want to go. He said he didn't want to come without me.
In the last few months I have been truly happy. I now understand that my needs and feelings are important. In the past I have let you make me feel bad and second guess my decisions, but I'm not going to let you do that any longer. I have decided to make decisions based on my feelings and what is best for M and me. For example, M is encouraged to talk to us about his feelings, and we make sure he understands that his feelings are important. He's not left out. We make sure he feels loved. We give him responsibilities, and he helps around the house. M LIKES our arrangement. He doesn't care that his mother is gay. He loves me anyway. He really likes Heather, and she's been a great influence on him. M is happy that our family has grown, and we have a lot of fun together.
In your letter, you stated that you thought M would have problems at school. I am not sure what you mean. Do you mean problems because he has a gay parent, or problems related to his Asperger's. As far as problems associated with a gay parent, he's told several of his friends that H was my girlfriend. They didn't care. His teacher knew, and she didn't care. As far as problems related to Asperger's, M is doing really well. He had his best quarter at school fourth quarter. He was happier. He was getting all of his work done. He had made some new friends. We went to skate night, and he got out and skated with his friends. They just rallied around him, and helped him out until he was able to skate. H and I watched his "egg drop" project at school, and his class cheered for him. He is going to a couple of camps and several vacation Bible schools to help with his social skills. He is also taking Tae Kwon Do, and he really enjoys it. Overall, he is doing very well.
In your letter, I noticed you didn't ask how we are doing. You simply made accusations and assumptions. I know that it has to be difficult for you finding out you have a gay daughter, but accusations and assumptions aren't going to help the situation. One of the other things I have decided is that communication travels in two directions. I noticed that I was the one making the phone calls and coming to see you. I decided to let you make the next move. I have the same phone numbers, and I didn't receive any calls from you. I figured you needed some time. I was surprised to find your package. I thought you wouldn't talk to me again. You did say that you love M and I in your letter, and we love you too. The hard part is that things have changed and will continue to change.
I want you in our lives, but if I have to be someone I'm not for my family to be in my life, then maybe the silence should continue. I would be glad to visit or talk on the phone, but please remember, my life now includes H. I won't visit if she is not also welcome. Perhaps we could meet someplace for lunch or dinner and you could meet and talk to her. You can accept me as a gay daughter, and accept that I'm not going to change or you can sacrifice our relationship. I'm not going to be made to feel guilty for not calling or visiting. I'm not going to be made to feel like I'm a horrible parent because I've allowed M to do things you disagree with. I'm no longer going to be shamed into doing what you want. I am no longer going to let you criticize my every decision and action, and I won't accept the blame for all of the wrongs that happen between us. Our family has problems and issues just like all other families, and it's time we stop ignoring them and move on.
I have been learning to be more confident, and that I actually matter. I am instilling those values in M as well. We are both becoming optimists and are happier than we've ever been. I would like for you to share that happiness, but the choice is yours. I am going to be very clear and frank. If you would like to have M and I in your life, Heather comes as well. You will not be allowed to contradict my parenting, to baby or belittle, or control anyone's thoughts and feelings but your own. You will not make homosexual slurs or remarks, especially if you are alone with M. You will not tell M your feelings about H and I or put him in any type of position to choose sides. He should be able to love us all equally. If you can do all of these things, feel free to give me a call to set up a time when we can all meet someplace neutral. Remember, if at any time during contact these things happen, I will feel forced to reestablish the silence. I love you, and the ball is now in your court. You need to decide what happens next.
