In the last few months I've felt a renewed sense of urgency regarding my parents, but I couldn't quite identify
why. I guess it was some weird kind of premonition, because in the last two weeks my N-mother has jumped into action, testing the boundaries I've set with a vengeance. If it weren't for the things I've learned from everyone here on this board, I may well have fallen into her trap.
Their 40th wedding anniversary is approaching: last week I got an email that resembled blackmail more than a request to attend. Quotes:
"We won't celebrate it without you. If we did, it wouldn't be a real celebration. You're an integral part of our lives."(even though I've lived overseas with limited contact for several years and they've made no attempt to attend any celebrations important to me...)
"We'll hold the party at your favorite park and invite your high school band!"(Brazen attempt to keep me a child!? I graduated high school over ten years ago!)
Notably missing: "we'd love to have you come." The rest of the email is several paragraphs attempting to diagnose me with severe depression and my endometriosis being "psychological". (She's studying to become a therapist.) I am happier than I've ever been (even including my recent preoccupation with parents) and have had no severe pain ever since I went on the pill. According to my doctor, the condition is as close to cured as you can get. Not only that, my mother has no information whatsoever on my important life events - I make sure of that - and I've told her more than once to keep away from me with her psychiatric diagnostics!
I didn't reply and won't. She's written a couple more emails and apparently has been nosing around with our two mutual acquaintances, trying to dig up dirt on me. Someone told her I'm looking for a new job, so she went off on a "loving" rant about how awful it is to be unemployed and I should watch out because of my problems with depression, but
"don't worry honey, I'm sure you'll find something! Have you thought of working as a cleaning lady in hotels? I bet they need foreign language speakers!" It's truly mind-boggling. I'm not unemployed, I work from home and it's going extremely well - I'm just tired of being at home alone all the time and would like something with better-defined hours, and paid vacation. The suggestion to become a cleaning lady is so like my mother... an attempted piercing insult packaged in helpful, caring words.
She's also been doing double duty another way, diagnosing herself with minor mental ills and
"working so hard to improve! Oh I'm so sorry for what I put you and your brother through! I just wish I had more support from the rest of the family, it's so difficult being the only one who admits to shortcomings." And then:
"Unfortunately these problems are genetic and tend to worsen with later generations - have you thought of going to a psychiatrist? You're probably shizophrenic, I always worried you were as a child." She'll do the humble act, but only to "lower" herself to the level of others - makes for better aim while backstabbing, I suppose. Such a typical tactic of hers.
The thing is, I can see it for what it is now, and although I know it's meant to hurt me, it doesn't - at least not the way she hopes it will. I am sad, because I had really hoped that limited contact and strong boundaries would work. This latest behavior just goes to prove that it's only temporary - she got bored playing by the boundary rules and is trying to go for control again. She figures her weapon is perfect: duty to the family, visit for their anniversary or look like the ungrateful, unloving child they've always made me out to be.
Except that thanks to you guys, reading your experiences, I don't care anymore. Well, don't care
enough, anyway. I'd love to have a normal family life, be happy to visit them, enjoy being around my grandparents - except that I never have. Not once. Only my brother matters, and he knows the games they play.
It's hard to get used to the idea of having to cut off all contact, isn't it? But I really don't want these people manipulating me, my husband or my future children. It's sucked enough energy out of my life. Now that I've seen how temporary boundaries are with an N, there's not much point in continuing this route...
*sigh*
