I believe that I was party to a relationship with a sufferer of NPD from 1994 - 98. From the outset, I could hardly describe our relationship as normal. It had all the hallmarks of a typical couple in love. Overtime, 12 - 24 months, difficulties started to surface. Mostly to do with my divorce, my ex wife and children. Not that my ex was causing them, more my new and dearly beloved taking pot shots whenever she could.
Now don't intend to waffle on a length over a subject that is now well document. I do however wish be make a cautionary warning which I believe to be correct.
In 1998 there wasn't an awful amount of information available on the subject of Narcissism and in particular, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This said, I read as much as I could and learned a lot. I was able to draw a direct line between my partner and issues directly set out in the DSMV IV definition of NPD. Do I think she suffers with NPD.......hell yes! Is it of any consequence to her that I know this.......hell no!! Have you ever tried hanging onto a suspended rope over a ravin covered in fresh grease.............exactly, impossible with bare hands! And that's is when I slowly started to get the point I'm now going to introduce!
Why was I spending soooo much time trying to explain the unexplainable? I knew the agony of what she had done to me! I'd felt the full force of her tongue and actions on sooooo many occassions! I'd observed first hand the shear lunacy of it all! I'd seen and felt the rage of it all.......and then the make ups afterwards and rewards that followed from me! I knew the patterns, I new the cycle of it all! But here's the point that I focused upon: If I new all this, If I'd been a party to all this, why did I put up with it for soooo long?
After a fairly short period of time, I knew this wasn't a normal relationship in a normal sense of the word! My marriage had been 'normal'....yes it had its ups and downs, but it had been nothing like this!! This was a relationship that was operating way,way out of the box! It was sooo intense, I'd class it as being on the other side of the universe from normal! But here was I putting up with it for..........the meaning of the word love?? Nope, there had to be more to it than that!
Here's the controversial part.
I was an active and full member of this relationship. I was going along with the absurd for reasons that had nothing to do with my relationship with this person. I'd failed once in my marriage, I wasn't going to fail again! Also my mother had been very ill throughout my childhood and had died when I was 13. I had be pre programmed to fix things. I would stick by things for fear of failure. Above all, my father had blamed me for the death of my mother. She was a good catholic girl and had carried me through to term, against the wishes of her doctors, who then removed a brian tumor shortly afterwards.
So I was carrying some pretty major stuff around inside me. Stuff that I hadn't really thought much about, stuff that was neatly buried! But all along, it was stalking me, waiting to break out and show itself! So, why is this even relevent to what I'm going to say? Well for this reason! In my opinion, a Narcissist with NPD will naturally seek out a relationship with a person who not only provides them with the 'fix(s)' they so need, they deliberately have a sixth sense for vunerable partners!
A vunerable partner will not be someone necessesarilly who has codependentcy stamp on there forehead of something like that. More a person who is emotionally vunerable but doesn't no it........yet! So I think I've figured out why the NPDer picks people, why did I pick this person for a relationship? Why was I so eager to place sooo much on the line for her? Simple.......she knew exactly what I wanted (cos I told her) and she damned well gave it to me........at first!
She showered me with affection and our sex lives were unbelievable! Exactly what I wanted, exactly what I'd told her, exactly what she was mirroring back to me! One problem, it wasn't her, as time was to prove! Sex and affection played a huge amount in how I was maniputated and rewarded by her for being a good boy. Sex for the pure pleasure and mutual satisfaction, was however, something that she could well do without as I was later constantly reminded of!
Now I haven't come on here to trot my story out. Within the contents of most of the material you will find of sites like this, you will find the answers that you seek. You will also find ooddles of support from well intentioned people. There is however a big problem that exists on certain sites.
You see my relationship with this person happened because I had be pre-programmed as a child to put with with stressfull situations! They were normal for me! So living with the NPDer was bad, but I'd get through it all and we'd be happy! I had a high tolerance level for crap because I was carry issues that had nothing to do with this relationship. If I had of known this before meeting this girl, our relationship would never have happened because I would have been cured. My issues would have been dealt with by professionally qualified people and I wouldn't have put up with the s**t she pulled on my all the time!
So I stayed in a relationship that any normal person would have been insane to do so, long after I should have bailed out!
Post relationship, ie when it was all over and I refused tp engauge with her in any shape form or fashion, is when I started to address me! So now I have some advice for those in the early throws of seperating from an NPDer. Firstly:be very careful in accepting that they are an NPDer in the first place. A number of support sites that claim to *be here for you* are actually run by a bunch of selfserving feminists who are only interested it screwing your life up further.
There is between 1 or 2% of the population that suffer with NPD. Partners of thes people are going to be in extreme mental distress as a result of being exposed to them in a relationship. However, some 40% of marriages will fail badly and with a degree of acrimony! Yes it could range from unpleasant to bloody awful, but no it doesn't mean that the other half had NPD! Far to many people who claim to support you are actually potentially distorting your perception of the facts!
Some have financial reason, most are playing the amateur Counsellor game! It makes them feel important but potentially screws you up! Yes it's is good to have a shoulder to cry upon in times of pain, but it's not going to do much for you in the long run! If anything, it will give you a false sense of power that will make you see Narcissists everywhere! It can actually become corrosive and prevent you from seeking the support you need from the right people!
I had a relationship with a Narcissist who had NPD. I'm convinced of that! But the reason why it happened was because of me, I allowed it! I continued with it because of my childhood. It actually had nothing to do with her. She is a Narcissist and she couldn't help herself! I could and did! But above all, I concentrated on fix what could be fixed, me! I am the most important person to me........and as we should all do with any NPDer, not waste a second of our time on someone who can't be fixed!!! Don't allow yourself to play the blame game. Do not become one of the pack who constantly blames someone else for thier predicament!
It's your life. It's up to you to fix it! You most probably had issues going on inside you before entering into the relationship. They new it, they exploited it!
To those of you who had a short be frieghtening experience with an NPDer and then got out quick, well done! You had the ability to immediately spot what wasn't right and bailed out quick. To those of us who didn't, you can and will enjoy a great life by looking after yourself first and foremost! I did and I have a rich life now!
