I still cannot believe she's gone.
More than anything else I've ever read, Kathy Krajco's writing helped me to break out of the suffocating stranglehold of the after-effects of dealing with malignant narcissists. She'd clearly had such intimate experience with these predators... and now I'm wondering whether that maybe didn't work toward shortening her precious life. Surely makes me aware that the thing to do is to move through this and get on with it, not get stuck in the mire or tangled up with any
more such webs.
The following is one of the first things I read by Kathy, way back when trying to make sense of the slander campaign initiated by NPD, when the mask began to slip. I was not allowed to take issue, because to do so was to risk stalking and all other manner of emotional torture... and I couldn't understand why.
Well, there is no why... other than the N's constant, continuous obsession with trying to make self seem bigger, better, purer, and more powerful.
Then there is the other side of the coin, which is an even more menacing sign of bad faith — what narcissists do to the images of others. Consumed with pathological envy, they make themselves look good the bogus way, by making others look bad.
Overall, individuals high in narcissism displayed amplified responses to social comparison information, experiencing greater positive affect from downward comparisons and greater hostile affect from upward comparisons.
— Bogart, L.M., Benotsh, E.G. and Pavlovic, J.D. (2004), Feeling Superior but Threatened: The Relation of Narcissism to Social Comparison, Basic and Applied Social Psychology, Vol. 26, Iss. 1, pp. 35-44.
In other words, malignant narcissists feel that praiseworthy information about you diminishes them,
and they feel that denigrating information about you elevates them.
Hence, like the rapist, narcissists must tear their betters "down off that pedestal" by maligning them.
Therefore "malignant" is a good name for malignant narcissists, because every malignant narcissist's middle name is Malign.
Narcissistic rage, character assassination and projection are some of the overt ways in which the narcissist expresses himself.
For example, she may envy a work colleague's beauty, and project her feelings into her colleague by accusing her of being envious.
Whom do narcissists malign? Almost everyone.
If you suspect someone of being a narcissist, praise a person who obviously deserves it to him or her and observe their reaction. It shows.
Malignant narcissists speak well of very few others. Only their narcissistic parent (when no longer vulnerable to that parent) and anyone they can aggrandize themselves by association with at others' expense.
However subtle the vandalism may be, you never hear a narcissist say anything about anyone that you would like to hear said about you.
Worse, narcissists are gossips. They eagerly listen to and spread slander. They are self-righteous finger-pointers, pulling the same stunt Lucifer did in the old Gnostic myth about Lucifer coming before God everyday and accusing other angels of being bad. The result was "war in high places" until the good angels, lead by St. Michael the Archangel, cast down Lucifer (now called "Satan," that is, "the slanderer") to the status they deserve.
Narcissists can make it sound like a virtue, but giving others a bad name isn't a good deed. Even if the report is true, it cannot possibly be done in the spirit of goodwill unless it is done in true witness — that is, responsible witness, on the record, not behind the back. Just because the badmouth perfumes his speech with words like love and Christian and concern and for the sake of our children (always the justification when there is no justification) and sports a halo does not change the spirit in which slander is done.
Shakespeare gives us a marvelous example of sugaring o'er slander with false concern or pity in a speech the usurper King Claudius makes to Hamlet before the whole court:
'Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet,
To give these mourning duties to your father;
But you must know, your father lost a father;
That father lost, lost his, and the survivor bound
In filial obligation for some term
To do obsequious sorrow. But to persever
In obstinate condolement is a course
Of impious stubbornness. 'Tis unmanly grief;
It shows a will most incorrect to heaven,
A heart unfortified, a mind impatient,
An understanding simple and unschool'd;
For what we know must be, and is as common
As any the most vulgar thing to sense,
Why should we in our peevish opposition
Take it to heart? Fie! 'tis a fault to heaven,
A fault against the dead, a fault to nature,
To reason most absurd, whose common theme
Is death of fathers, and who still hath cried,
From the first corse till he that died to-day,
'This must be so.' We pray you throw to earth
This unprevailing woe, and think of us
As of a father; for let the world take note
You are the most immediate to our throne,
And with no less nobility of love
Than that which dearest father bears his son
Do I impart toward you. For your intent
In going back to school in Wittenberg,
It is most retrograde to our desire;
And we beseech you, bend you to remain
Here in the cheer and comfort of our eye,
Our chiefest courtier, cousin, and our son.
Such kind and pious words, eh? Yet, how would you like that said to you in front of a hundred people?
Notice how sweetly and left-handedly Claudius calls Hamlet obsequious, obstinate, impious, stubborn, unmanly, willful, weak, impatient, a simpleton, ignorant, senseless, peevish, a sinner against God and the dead and nature, irrational, impotent, and intent on doing things retrograde to the king's desire.
Talk about "betrayal with a kiss."
The whole court immediately starts treating Hamlet as though he's radioactive. His girlfriend's father and brother immediately order her to dump him. He's a marked man.
And for doing what? For not forgetting the dead king, his father, and cutting short the customary mourning period to celebrate the remarriage of the queen to the usurper. Typical narcissist — can make even a virtuous act sound heinous.
If you know that narcissists are inveterate character assassins, it's easy to spot them.
A narcissist has a trail of trashed good names and careers in his wake.
He will even have told you strange and terrible lies about the people in his own immediate family.
If you know the person he is telling you something strange about, compare the accusation with your own observations. A narcissist will have ignored that person's real faults and smeared one of his or her virtues as a vice!
And, if you know the narcissist, you'll find the narcissist himself is guilty of the very thing he's accusing this other person of.
