...almost all the computers in our office are down -- except for guess who's??? -- so there's no work to be done, ha, ha!
Anyway, thank you all.
TT, you are absolutely right. I'm all intuition and not much ... what's the other thing? Is it logic? Giggle. When I took the Myers-Briggs test I was all intuition and none of the other side.
Re: my date, yes, I thought he made a really good point. It is totally about my voicelessness. (Which I have never really explained much here; it doesn't come from an N parent, just neglectful ones who didn't allow me to speak.) I do talk more, I just have to be a little more comfortable. It's funny, he unknowingly gave me insight into two big areas. Before we met he emailed that it was "important that we meet", and just the word "important" was very significant to me. I realize he wasn't saying that I was important to him, just that we meet, but still, it got me in touch with the idea of being important to someone, and that's something I have never felt, or been told on a significant level. (I have great, great friends, and I know I'm important to them, but that's different.) It was such a huge point that I'm going to group with it!
Carolyn, thank you. I enjoyed learning more about the quote. Very interesting.
Oh, the pride thing is just about me. Most of the time I am like the second part of your scripture, but I have to admit, I often felt pride about my church, because it was so wonderful under the N's leadership. It all seemed so genuine. Who knew? He was really good -- you just never would have believed he was who he really is. And actually, he really was a great pastor. He did wonderful things, he lead us in wonderful ways, really broadened our understanding; and he helped more people than I could begin to tell you, he really did. it's just that he used his ministry to meet his own needs, and that's sick.
And, I have to admit to some pride about having him interested in me. I did. I used to think about one or two women who always seemed to have a "superior attitude" (well, one was a lawyer...ha, ha!), and I would feel a little superior myself when I thought about how when the N's feelings finally became public, I would feel so good. Ugh!!!!!!! I guess none of us is immune. The thing about pride with me is, I really have always had such low self-esteem, particularly with men. To feel pride is so unusual for me. It made sense that he'd be interested, because we'd always had a special relationship. He was like my brother.
I also want to clarify that it was just the pastor, not our congregation, who was the problem. No one in the congregation knows a thing except for the 5-6 people who were necessarily involved. They went to every length to protect my privacy ... and when they investigated his charges, they were just wonderful. (in a nutshell, after pursuing me, he initiated harassment charges twice. The first time, in 06, I covered for him because I thought it was just a misunderstanding; the second time I knew better; it's the being brought up on charges by a long-time friend and a PASTOR, for Pete's sakes, that has caused me so much hurt. The romantic part is nothing much)
I could not have asked for more wise or compassionate people. They conducted the investigation from no particular point of view, they listened to me very carefully (I was the last one they talked to and I talked to them for 3-1/2 hours!); my music director and friend was just unbelievable. He went in and stuck up for me with insight and wisdom and honesty far more than I ever could have imagined. (He'd also seen the N do a few things, which helped.) It brings tears to my eyes to know I have such a friend(s). They were so encouraging about my returning to church (I didn't think I'd be able to, and they really encouraged me) ... really, I just could not have asked for more wonderful people. More often than not women get the shaft in this kind of situation, and I experienced just the opposite.
That said, it has been really, really hard to return, and still is. It's deeply painful. I just feel like I've got to suck it in and fake it till I make it. If people only knew! I'm really just going through the motions; I feel pretty disconnected from it all ... but I know it will come back in time. I just wish we could have a new full-time pastor now (it will take us about two years) instead of an interim. Would go a lot further towards feeling like we're moving ahead, instead of in transition.
My only complaint is that I wish they'd taken the matter further; this man needs to be censured. However, that was beyond the scope of their purpose; I think, however, that it will be dealt with in some fashion, along with his other bad behaviors. This same music director/friend is actually our interim head of staff now, until we find an interim pastor, and I am pretty sure he will find a way to address the N's behavior -- in his personnel file or something.
Long diversion, there, but I really felt I had to stand up for those who stood up for me. What I meant is that our congregation was victimized by him too. Some know, some don't ...and those who think they know don't know the full extent (since they don't he's an N, and they didn't see the real disordered behavior the way I did. The weird stuff -- stuff no one would believe if I told them.)
...thanks for letting me get it all out. I really don't have a place to go with these feelings ... I think it's wisest not to talk about them with people at church, even those who know (although I do tell my friend/music director here and there). Must be writing this because it's a Monday and I was just there yesterday!
Hi Leah, just wanted to say, thanks for the blessing! Right back at you. And to everyone.
Whew! Didn't expect to get into all that! Thanks for "listening," everyone. You're all awesome.
