Signs of healing - thanks for all the support!

[Gaining Strength]

In the past couple of weeks I have seen subtle but dramatic changes in my interior begin to eke out into the exterior.  I have so longed for such tangible healing.

I have experienced a number of events that in the past would have sent me into a dark place.  This week I did not slip into depression, anxiety or any dark place.

My brother moved to FL in December but was in town closing up his house this week.  yesterday my father showed up there, agitated.  He wanted to get in touch with my brother but couldn't.  I got my brother on the phone and my father began raging over phone, yelling, screaming for all the neighbors to hear.  I sat there listening to him scream into my phone at my brother not knowing what was behind the conversation but hearing him rage that my brother owed him time and that my brother had not made himself available (that is a strange phrase my father uses to control people - he has this bizarre sense that my brothers and I are obligated to make ourselves available to him whenever he demands.)  The story about what was going on is complicated but for me the surprise is that as I stood there listening to him rage, I searched my emotional being and found myself new.  I had no emotional tie in to his raging.  I saw him as a bizarre being to be "handled" but not feared, not confronted, just handled, moved along.  This was completely new for me.  I have never in my entire life, not been triggered by  him - just by being in the same room or on the phone with or in earshot of.  but not yesterday and now I know I am free - free at long last from this monster.

Part of the long story is that he was trying to get money from a small foundation established by my family to give to a nepharious couple's non-profit.  He went to our Community Foundation offices where the president of the foundation is a very capable daughter of a late friend of his and a VP is the wife of one of my cousins.  Before he went yesterday, he called my cousin (this is the one who has been asking me for lunch - I have posted about that recently) and told him that he was headed to the Foundation and that "it would not be pleasant."  Unfortunately that was an understatement and the staff there were apparently in fear of his raging.  When I spoke with my cousin's wife today about the incident and the ramifications and about suggestions to handle "him" in the future she said to me - twice - in a heartfelt tone, "SS, I am so sorry, my heart breaks for you all."  Both times she said that I heard my voice crack and knew I could have broken down into deep wales.  What i had received - for the first time EVER - was an acknowledgement that my life as his daughter was a true living hell.  I knew immediately what my reaction was about.  It had everything to do with what you, my friends, here who have supported me, believed in me, encouraged me.  People I have never seen, whose names I may not even know, whose voices I may have never heard and yet friends in a deeper way than any 3D person in my life.

There are other events and changes but the outcome is the same.  Once again, I am fear free.  Several times in the past few days I have walked through shame evoking shambles of my house and begun cleaning and straightening.  The shame is cracking like the major crack in the iceberg.  Oh there is certainly more to do but I am finally gaining a tiny access to my will at long, long last. 

I want to gather you all together to celebrate with me.  Even if this is all the healing I will ever know I am thankful.  I know now and I have always believed, that my paralysis and resultant failings were never my fault.  It's not that there aren't consequences - there are many and they are painful but they were never my fault.  Oh in this 21st century society - especially the personal responsibility America - my philosophy would not fly very far but I don't care.  I know that if I had had parents who loved and nurtured rather than a family who hated me and loved setting me up to have fun ridiculing - as a little, little child!!!! if I had had parents and siblings who loved me I would never have lived in shambles, I would never had struggled careerwise, financially, socially or any of these despair evoking losses and struggles.  My struggles would have been different but they would not have been the ones of such horrendous desparation.

I have finally achieved enough healing to be able to get their voices of condemnation out of my mind.  I have finally achieved enough healing to be able to hear my, still quiet voice, quiet but growing louder and louder.  Finally today I can honestly say, "I believe.  I believe that I deserve to have a nice house, a nice job, a lot of friends, a rewarding social life, a rewarding career and on and on."  I believe that I WILL have that and that feels great to say.  It is coming and it is getting closer and closer.

Thanks to you my friends - thanks for your support and your encouragement.  The victory is yours.

[teartracks]

Dear GS,

Thank you for inviting me to your CELEBRATION.  So much of your experience parallels my own, though my hardest times (I think) are in the past. 

I love it that you were able to detach your personhood from your father's rant.  Sounds like a foundational building block to me.  I'm betting it will become easier and easier from here out for you to 'manage' or 'handle' his unsavory traits. 

Kindest regards,

tt

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks TT.  I think my hardest days are past too.  it feels so strange to think that thought and to write it.  i don't even know what it will be like to leave those days behind - but i can't wait to find out.  It is a miracle to me.

[Leah]

Dear SS,

How wonderful!  Thank you for inviting me to your CELEBRATION time!

Tears of joy as I read through your post, twice.

Truly, I am so very glad for you.

Now that you have that major crack in the iceberg, there will be streams flowing in your desert.

Love to you,

Leah

[Ami]

Dear SS
 I can tell you ONE thing ,for sure, you do deserve all the beaty that life has to offer. YOU were never bad or deserving shame. You bought it and took it on b/c you would have died , as a little child, if you saw the truth, as you see it ,now.
 You, literally, would have died as a child if you had to see the truth.
  If "you" were bad, you had some control over the situation. If you  became"good", you could make them love you. I am seeeing how shame functions. It is a horrible burden to carry--excessive shame. Maybe, all people have some, but we have whoppers.
 I am with you, side by side, as we reclaim ourselves ,up from bondage.    Love   Ami

(((((SS)))))))

[Overcomer]

SS-I am so very happy for you.  It is so wonderful when a situation works itself out and you can feel victorious!   Once a man told me to imagine my mom in a Minnie Mouse outfit and Minnie's voice...............when she starts throwing her shame at me it becomes laughable in a Minnie garb.  I imagine your dad a raging Mickey Mouse with a squeaky voice..............that takes the sting out of his ranting!!

Capitalize on this victory.  Repeat to yourself........I am a good girl, I am a good girl, he holds no power over me, he holds no power over me.......

Happy about the straightening up, too.  One room at a time, one room at a time..............

[Certain Hope]

   ....as I stood there listening to him rage, I searched my emotional being and found myself new.
 I had no emotional tie in to his raging. 
I saw him as a bizarre being to be "handled" but not feared, not confronted, just handled, moved along.

YES!!  Hurrah, (((((((((((SS  )))))))))))) !!!   I just tossed a bucketful of confetti up in the air, but it's worth the mess!

This is awesomely big news and I'm so very thrilled for you.
And I thank you for those lines above, especially, because I will remember your words the next time I'm tempted to fear or confront one of the bizarre beings at the fringes of my own life. Just move them right along, indeed!

Love,
Carolyn

[Juno]

Oh, I don't think this is all the healing you will ever have!  You're just going to keep going and going.  (((((((((SS))))))))))))

[James]

Dear Shame Slayer........Congratulations for seeing your parents for who they are and discovering that their shame was never yours. I can imagine the difficult life you have led but I believe that this terrible experience, as you heal, will also allow you to become a person who has so much to offer other people. They will find comfort in your strength, courage and integrity as I do. It really does take a special person to survive the odds you were against and then triumph and personally I am very glad that I have met you here. You have always deserved the very best........Love, James

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you all for your support and your comments.  I am very tired this morning.  After I posted yesterday I had a day when those dark emotions crept in a couple of times.  When it happened I was surprised and disappointed and then I knew that it was in part a 'backlash" from my post, a "who do you think you are" voice from the past.

The loneliness and the needing help suddenly loomed large like a rogue wave in the sea.  I am going to try to spend some time today refocusing my mind on where I am going.

The lack of support system is the greatest impediinent to my growing.  I am tired, in need of a wide system of support but finding a very shallow one.  That is the results of the N FOO for me.  Now I must find a mental state in which to turn it around.  I can do it.  I have been doing it.  Just tired now.

[Gaining Strength]

The last frontier in my healing has to do with money.  Money is the medium that my NPD father chose/choses at the foremost means of manipulation and control.  This is a very, very difficult subject to post about because it evokes such strong emotional responses, such strong moralizations.  I was imagining , fearing what type of responses I might receive. 

I still shudder from the responses that I got when posting over a year ago about the river house that had been in my family for 4 generations. 

Money issues are always difficult to discuss.  they carry such extraordinary baggage. And yet i need to.  I must get this monkey off my back.  I must get into the place at which my father created such control over me by holding out the unspoken carrot, "If you do what I say then you will receive as I did, your mother did, my brother, sister and cousins all did."  I followed that and ended up with nothing including the ability to provide for myself.  That was part of the edict - that women are provided for not providers.  He sabotaged several jobs in order to leave me destitute.  I couldn't see that for so long because it violates the iron-clad societal belief that a parent would never leave a defenseless child exposed to the vultures.  But that is not so. 

Leah's thread about victimization has given me the insight to let go of this "I am strong" scenario.  The survival need to be strong has kept me from accessing the powerless victim state in which my wounding was received.  As long as I must be strong and growing and slaying I have locked my victimhood in a prison.  But i actually must access her in order to get to the healing.

THIS  is scary.  It is scary beyond words to open myself up to being a victim again.  But I see that I must.  i am not looking forward to this journey but I am looking forward to what is on the other side.  I am afraid and i am going to lay as much bare as i am able to.

[Ami]

Dear SS,
 The victim thread showed me the SAME thing. I must face what Izzy said. I became a victim. I did. It is ugly,it hurts to ,but I  did. I am ready to face it  and ALL that it encompasses, which is a lot.
 I am a victim ,inside. My H could die and I would still be a victim b/c it is an internal state.
 Thanks for your courage ,in this post, SS. Thanks for being my friend, most of all.  Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Love to you Ami,

Leah's Victim thread is resonating within me more and more today.  I had not read any of it until early this morning and I have a very busy day with just a few more minutes to get on line but with each and every activity of the day I am so shocked to find myself feeling stronger and stronger by acknowledging myself as a victim. 

I understand what the dynamic is.  I have worked very, very hard on using positive thinking and expecting favor and they have been tremendously helpful.  But at the same time I must also plunge down into the depths of my wounding and pull up out of the unconscious and the subconscious the deepest pain which was at one time literally life threatening.  I cannot "positive think" my way out of it until I have processed it and understood how traumatically I was victimized.  Once I go into the inexorable pain of that, then and only then can I begin to use positive thinking about healing from that by believing and calling into being the healing from that indescribable hestruction at the hands of those who gave me life.

It is a two prong process, much like a stair master.  Left, Right, Left, Right.  But I'm not going anywhere.  So it seems. True I am still in the same place but I am stronger and something other than "getting somewhere" is going on.  Left, Right, Left, Right, Open the memories of pain, process and believe the healing, Open the memories of pain, Process and believe the healing.  Still the same place but stronger and stronger and better and better, and more functional, and more functional, and more healing and on and on.

Thanks to you, James, Leah, Cat's Paw, Hops, Phoenix Rising, Lupita, Overcomer, Teartracks, Tatyana, Bean, Bones, Gabben, Juno, Mudpuppy, spyralle, iphi, Axa, Debkor, Ann3 Seasons, Gratitude, Certain Hope, Moonlight, BElla, Darren, Dream Singer (there are more and but my brain is fogged.)

[Juno]

This is so good to hear!

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((SS)))))))))))))  It really does sound like your vision is becoming whole and complete.

I get the picture of being in the midst of a migraine (a shame migraine, of sorts) and losing the peripheral vision plus seeing all the blinky, spotty lights....
and then the relief which comes when the optical disturbance stops.
Might still have a headache (or not!) ... but at least we can see straight again.

Love to you,
Carolyn