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StaceyLynn:
Hey everybody...
Recently I joined the message board due to a recent discovery.  The breakdown goes as follows....

Mom's a N, dad's an enabler, younger brother is evolving into a robotic clone of my mother.  Noone in the immediate family views my mother as anything else that a "superstar".  My entire life I was stamped, "drama queen, ultra-sensitive, needy" and the like.  I've spent a good portion of my life in a therapist's office.  Age 13 to now...age 31.  That's alot of years.  Finally....I found a good therapist that brought clarity and some answers to what makes me tick, and how I evolved into the adult I am today.  Ironically, I turned out pretty normal.  Even my lifelong friends shake their heads in wonder, as to how I ended up so normal.  I guess kudos to me.  Here's the thing...

After discovering this I started to do alot of reseach on the disorder.  Like how it affects adult children of N parent's, how to move forward from this point.  It's been 4 months now...and I have total control of the situation.  I went through the grief/loss part of letting go of my dream of what I wanted from my mother, etc.  I have really found peace in accepting that she has a problem..a disease....and she or any other N is only capable of behaving the way their disease allows them to.  I put a smile on and engage my mother when she's in a mood to talk about nothing but herself.  I even throw her a bone every now and then by making her feel like she is the "perfect" person.  I do this now with a chuckle inside.  She has been easier to be around and I control how much and how often I allow her in my life.  I think she actually is aware of this without me even speaking the words.  She senses a difference in me.  I don't let her get the best of me, and I don't react to her anymore.  In doing this, I actually may be able to maintain somewhat of a relationship with her.  It is all about setting boundaries and limitations.  I think this happens when you've finally had enough of feeling sad and shitty, and you allow yourself to do what needs to be done to be happy again.

The purpose of this entry, which I'm hoping won't piss too many people off, is simple...
 I have read many of the entries and responses on this board.  I have related to many and not so much to others.  I've found that there are many intelligent people out there with much good advise to give.  I just can't figure out why it seems there are so many of you spending more time bitching about the N in you life, instead of "getting on" with your own!  There are many newcomers that truely are in the beginning stages of figuring it all out.  But there are many that have known the "deal" for a while and send vibes that they're stuck in a place they don't seem to be able to get out of.  It's just an opinion.  

I just want to remind everyone that I came to this site looking for help in healing and direction in MOVING FORWARD to a happier place.

I hope I haven't come off rude or anything along those lines.  That is not my intent.  In fact, I would love to be able to share with anyone willing to listen,  things that have worked for me in healing and moving on.  We've all been hurt/scared, whatever, by some N at some time.  Now's the time we need to be good to OURSELVES!   Good luck!

Discounted Girl:
4 months?? wow -- that's a record I think. What do you propose to do about the lies she has told about you and the smear campaigns, which Nmothers seem to make a career of? I just have to say that Narcissism is not a disease, it is a personality disorder, a continuation of a bad habit that is totally self-serving, self-centered, based on a sense of grandiosity and inappropriate entitlement. The are selfish and feel no remorse over the agony they have created. Are they aware of it? Who knows ... before you can be aware of something you have to care enough to want to know.

Somebody:
I would be very interested in hearing about the things that have helped you heal and move on.

Personally, I think healing is an ongoing process that can sometimes become stagnated, especially if the influences--those supposedly trying to aid in that process--are encouraging stagnation.  All and any new ideas about how to improve, continue, or enhance the process of healing are always a bonus, in my view.

I feel I have healed from so much and yet have much to heal.

Not all therapists help everyone, that's for sure.  Some even cause more damage.  I'm glad to hear that you finally found one that brought clarity for you.

I think I am definately stuck at the point you describe, in that I am having big trouble letting go of the dream of what I want from my n-family member.  I'm not sure I even want to let go of that dream.   I prefer to hold onto the hope....maybe some day?

Hopefully, this won't stagnate my healing too much.

JiggleswithaG:

--- Quote ---The purpose of this entry, which I'm hoping won't piss too many people off, is simple...
I have read many of the entries and responses on this board. I have related to many and not so much to others. I've found that there are many intelligent people out there with much good advise to give. I just can't figure out why it seems there are so many of you spending more time bitching about the N in you life, instead of "getting on" with your own! There are many newcomers that truely are in the beginning stages of figuring it all out. But there are many that have known the "deal" for a while and send vibes that they're stuck in a place they don't seem to be able to get out of. It's just an opinion.

I hope I haven't come off rude or anything along those lines. That is not my intent.

I just want to remind everyone that I came to this site looking for help in healing and direction in MOVING FORWARD to a happier place.
--- End quote ---



I know you said your intent was not rude—I appreciate that.   It was your opinion—here’s mine.

Though you may mean well, I found your entry presumptuous.You may have come to the site looking for a happier place, but this site is what it is.You can stay or move on to a site that you feel is happier or suits you better.I'm saying that just factually and not in an angry way.

People heal at different rates and it can take many, many years of healing for some. Healing does not go like-- you are healed or not- period. It goes in phases. Sometimes you feel strong and good and don’t need to vent, other times you do.

Did you ever think that people are not talking about this in their lives or always thinking about it, have healed to a certain degree, and then just sometimes need to come to a place like this to vent a little?  To heal a little more?   That would be a good use for the board.  

Everyone, in fact most, cannot wrap up a lifetime of abuse from an N-parent (especially if they still need to deal with them regularly) in a neat little package and move on so easily.

Don't get me wrong--your message of moving forward is a great one in general, but I disagree with the way you have presented it. I hope it does not make people who need an “ear” and to do a little raw venting, feel self-conscious in doing so.

Yes, some people become stuck and it is really essential that they move on.   But there could be many others that just need to vent and share what their pain was and what  their N experience was, as the long path of their healing. You might assume someone is “stuck” and they are not at all.  This intermittent venting is an important part of healing and moving forward for many.  It can be a good & healthy thing.  

It isn't possible to paint all venters with such a broad brush, and be accurate. Can’t assume people are stuck because they are doing a fair amount of venting.As I said, this by itself is a healing and moving forward tool for some.

Who wouldn't have things to vent in having grown up with an abusive N parent, the one person who has the most influence on a child's mental and emotional well being.

For those truly stuck at a certain place, I agree with you 100% that it is important for them to try to find ways to move forward on the healing path, but to me it is all in the way things are presented.  It can’t be said like the reformed smoker of 20 years now suddenly trying to convert all smoking friends to quit, with that annoying air of overconfidence, and spurning them when they can’t do it right away.

Patience is required, and for those that are truly stuck/lost and know it, the best thing you or anyone can do is let everyone know what has helped you move on, as you say.

I’m all for letting people be at their own pace, not assuming someone is stuck in the healing process because of what they say (again, venting could be  their greatest & most healthy healing tool) but offering all the support and non judgmental advice for moving on.

People will see it, and it will reach some.  

There are plenty here who don't seem to be constantly "stuck" as you say, so you can always relate to those here that you feel a connection with, and respectfully let others be where they are, while sending helpful information that you have regarding moving on.  

You can't have the whole board change though, because you have come along and are looking for a "happier" place.

Also, I think you will help more people if you share what you have learned in a supportive way only, rather than just blatantly telling them  what they shouldn't be doing in our opinion, without any helpful info.

Somebody:
Here I go again trying to see both peoples points and trying to understand.

On the one hand, I understand the idea that moving ahead, finding a happy place, getting past the past etc is what we are all probably trying to achieve in our own healing, and that the stuff that helps one person may very well help another, or it may not.  Wanting to share what we've learned is such a kind, loving way of trying to help someone else and I very much appreciate that effort, when I recognize it.

On the other hand, words are sometimes confusing, easy to misinterpret, too blunt for the liking of some, too general for others, too polite or not polite enough (in that--we interpret the politeness of them according to our own definition of what being polite really is and that those definitions can vary).  It is so easy to offend with words and yet, words can be so very comforting, much depending on our interpretation.  So the meanings people are trying to express with words and the meanings taken by those hearing or reading them, can be quite different.  It's hard to get it all right.

There are no time limits on healing and regression can happen sometimes, especially with improper interference such as a poor therapist etc.
I understand that expressing pain is vital to healing and that some things help some people heal quicker than others, and some not at all.
How often that pain needs to be expressed is truly an individual thing.  So we are incorrect to assume we have a right to nullify the validity of that excercise in any way.  At the same time, it seems also wrong for us to assume there is a nullification without asking if that is truly what is being communicated.  Each person is different and expresses themselves differently, and what they are trying to say may not necessarily be as we interpret.

Growing up in any n-type environment messes up communication, doesn't it?
No offense meant to anyone.

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